My Conversations With Love #2
Love: It’s strange; you were calmer when you were drunk! I know you have been hurt & you did good for me and those you held close to you with me. But, haven’t you ever hurt someone in my name? Do you remember October of 2006?

Me: (Furious) Oh so you mean I am being rewarded with such torture, for someone, to whom I had warned on the very first day, that, I do not love you & still she wanted to hang out as a ‘friend’ and then at every given opportunity, she brought you back, out of her bag & never stopped using her wily tricks to induce some mistake out of me?

Love: And you remember? What you did to her then?

Me: …(typing)

contd….

Me: Well I just made myself unavailable, so that she doesn’t harbor any false hopes. Is honesty a betrayal?

October 2006 & Before
Rihana joined my workplace as trainee. I was single then and she was already in a relationship for over 5 years. She was just like any other trainee who joined us and was supposed to report to me. Just like anyone meant, I had no special interest in her. I was my usual self. Back then I used to speak a lot, smiled perpetually, walked around with airs about myself, made people feel especial about them (and it included boys and men too but people notice your attention to women because that’s what they choose to see). I was basically a guy people looked forward to talk to, to be with, to hang out with, and some wanted more. I had that natural flair of being impressive, I had my way with people and especially women. Aged 28, if you have such attention from people around you, it gives you a high. I was no different. I was no less human.

She was coincidently a mid-year recruit and hence the only one training with me at that time. That on its own made me spend more time with her – it was training on the job. Consequently, we spoke more, went out on meetings together and she had my undivided time and attention at work. Ofcourse, we spoke other things too, but from where I saw it, I was my usual friendly self. I was used to attention, so her ways were not an alarm for me. She was good with her work, and you always like people who are good at work, when you are good at it yourself. So she was in my good books. We chatted, we laughed, and we went for lunches after meetings. It was work as usual. She wasn’t my first trainee. But after a few weeks things started changing. Her messages became more frequent; she called up after and before work. She started requesting me a ride back home or a pick up if there was an early meeting. The way she dressed changed. That was the time; I took my first step back. And I had always been bad at hiding my discomfort about something. And whenever I was uneasy; being irritated was my stress response. My feelings and expression had never been unaligned. I was being cautious. She was a good lady, attractive and being beautiful people went out of the way to get her attention – in office and around. Being single, it wasn’t always easy to resist temptations, so I maintained distance. I knew, I may slip and sleep but I wasn’t going to be in love with her. It went on for a while, this hide and seek.

It was getting difficult to work. I decided to confront her. One day, after a meeting around noon, I asked her for coffee, she agreed. After the usual meeting discussion and prospecting like if the client would buy our technology solution for his ERP management and place the order, I said to her, “Rihana we need to talk about this”.

“Like what?” She pretended as expected.

“See its awkward but I just want to tell you that all this time we spend together is for two reasons only, one we are working together and second we are friends – friends at work.” I saw her smile hide a cocktail of shock, disappointment and anger.

She recovered, “Well ofcourse, did I say or do anything to make you think otherwise?”

“Well you have been acting differently, so…” I tried to be blunt.

“It’s all the same as it was always, don’t worry.” She smiled and sipped her coffee. She didn’t talk to me all the way back to office.

I remained normal after that, and avoided paying any heed to her aberrations from routine. She ofcourse hadn’t enjoyed her last coffee with me. She started acting distant, only keeping our conversations limited to work. I was at ease with that. I bragged to myself for having handled it well, without any casualties. A week or so passed and she had started grouping against me, not authoritatively but casually, ‘just to settle scores’ kind. Like I cared, I could have snapped anytime but since I had in a way made her feel embarrassed, I let her play. A few weeks passed, one afternoon, after tea, I came to sit for checking some client report at the admin desk. I put the cup on the desk and moment I sat down, Rihana pulled chair under me and I fell on the floor. I looked up and behind, everyone was laughing, Anger blended in my blood and rose to my head in seconds. I didn’t get up, just sat on the floor. Everyone stopped laughing but I heard her fit of laughter had not subsided, till she realised something had gone wrong. I got up and walked as everyone made way without a word.

“Sorry, I was just..” She tried to be casual, with laughter still simmering on her lips.

“I am letting it pass as your last mistake Ms. Rihana,” My voice echoed in my own ears. “From this moment on, be very measured in your conduct with me,” I saw her face go red. “Everyone back to work.” I commanded.

Same evening, I was still burning in the ignominy of what happened in the afternoon. I could not get it out of my head. I sat on my desk playing Bricks on my phone, thumping my fingers into the keys. She knocked and walked in.

“Can I?” She requested.

“Not unless it’s something urgent and about work?” I said without looking up.

“See I am really sorry, I did not mean to offend you.” She said with some shame in her voice.

“I already told u, I let it pass as your last mistake. Anything else?” I fumed.

“Please just talk to me for 2 minutes,” She asked.

I got off my desk and started to walk out and she pulled my right hand and pushed me to the desk and almost leaned on me with such force that I barely could hold my weight or respond.

“You don’t have to avoid me, I am not a squalid bitch”, she followed that with locking her lips to mine.

After I gathered myself, I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her away with all the anger transferred to my arms that had been coagulating since that moment in the afternoon.

“Don’t try those tricks with me Rihana, just lay off”.

She was furious. She shut the door to my cabin and took a deep breath and what seemed like a superficial calm, she managed, “See am sorry about this. Listen I am and also for the afternoon, but I just want you to be normal with me”.

I didn’t utter a word.

“I know we are friends and that day during coffee you made it uneasy for us. I have been trying to get over my break-up, so have been dressing up and trying to divert my attention and get attention to distract myself. I was not trying to hit on you,” she fought her words out of her chest, getting choked with a basket of emotions, even she could not fathom. And then came what I dreaded most – tears, flooding down, smearing her eyeliner to her cheeks.

I took a deep breath, “nothing I would say now can make me get out of this”, I thought to myself. I gave her my handkerchief. “Sorry wasn’t aware of your break up. Time to go. Please take care Rihana, see you tomorrow.” I walked out with a sad smile.

Next day, I, not just acted but tried being normal, like ‘my normal’ with her. She was hesitant and embarrassed about last afternoon and evening, I thought, so just allowed it to settle down. But I was being nice to her, like I was earlier. I had slept over my bias the night before. It all settled in a few days. We were working well and gelling well. Her performance had been phenomenal, which got me inclined towards her more than ever before. It was end of second quarter and we had done better than ever anyone had in the company before. It was party time. Company planned an offsite to Goa for 3 nights. Everyone was expectedly excited. Things were cool and resort was beautiful in Baagha. It opened right onto the beach. It was an amazing view. First night went wandering along the beach and singing and chit chats and lot of drinking ofcourse. On the second night we had a karaoke event. I was super high on whiskey and beer. I just went out and sat on the sand to just cool off. As I gulped the last sip in an exaggerated style holding the pint right up, perpendicular to my face, when I noticed Rihana coming. She sat down.

“So having fun?” I asked.

“Yeah too good!” She smiled.

I kept the bottle aside and dug my hands behind my back in the sand and looked up at the stars and kept quiet. Neither of us spoke. After a while she broke the silence with words that stole my intoxication. She pressed her hand on mine as she almost sung it into my ears, “I am madly in love with you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me in my life”.

I pulled my hand out of hers and sat straight. After much thought, I took her hand, cleared my thoughts and throat, “Rihana you are an amazing girl, beautiful, smart intelligent and I really really like you. But that’s it. I don’t love you.”

She looked at me and said without blinking, “Not everyone realises it at the same time, may be you don’t know yet that you love me”.

I smiled, “Rihana I am one of those people, who know themselves with absolute certainty, so please don’t wait for it. And trust me unrequited love, howsoever selfless, is neither engaging nor gratifying. We are good; let’s be what we are.” I sighed.

I stood up gave her my hand, which she didn’t take, got up on her own and started to walk but then just stopped, turned around and said, “I will move on”, with tears in her voice. I knew the rest of my holiday was screwed, so was hers.

Next whole morning and afternoon, I didn’t see her anywhere. No activity, no sun bathing; may be she chose to stay in her room. I was half relieved. After lunch, I saw her with some colleagues, not our team though but office guys. In the evening we had a DJ party at the beach resort. I was too irritated to dance, so I was just having more drinks than usual. I wanted to unlearn the fact that she was in love with me. Just about few hours later, don’t remember the exact time, there were murmurs and then DJ was asked to stop the music and someone from the team announced, “Has anyone seen Rihana?” and then everyone was talking to everyone. I got up and went to the beach where I was sitting the night before to see if she was around. I kept walking. There were adjacent shacks just after the resort premises ended and after looking for around 30 minutes, I saw her. Sitting with 3 men, none of them looked like from our company. I went near and realised they were locals. I saw behind to see if anyone from our team was following me? I was alone.

I went up to them, pulled a chair and sat next to her. “Rihana, everyone’s waiting, we need to go.”

One of the guy said. “Who are you? She is with us.”

I tried to explain “We are here on a trip and she is drunk but we need to catch a flight so please excuse us.”

I pulled Rihana up and tried to drag her along. All of them got up and blocked our way.

I raised my voice “What is your problem guys, she is my girl and we need to leave.”

“She bought hash from us, she owes us Rs 6000 and she says she doesn’t have money now, so she said she will give us some company.” One of them said rubbing his chin with a smirk on his face.

There was no time to bargain, I pulled out cash and gave them; they took the money and then pulled her arm and one of them said, “We will drop her here in the morning she told us you guys leave tomorrow and you can come pick her up from here in the morning.”

“She isn’t complaining, so you leave,” The other one held my collar and shoved me off.

I gave him a hard slap and he fell. I went pulled her hand out of the other guy’s hold and stood between her and three of them. In an instant the huge guy, who was holding Rihana’s hand pulled out his pistol and put it right on my chest. I tried not to tremble and go down on my knees. I had no such fantasies of dying for someone, for love and here I was standing at the other end of the gun, for someone I didn’t really love. I just stood, trying to think and talk myself out of the situation.

Suddenly, someone just came and patted my back, “Paaji, wassup? What a pleasant surprise,” his voice faded as he came to shake hands with me and saw a gun pointed at me. In 2 mins I saw around 20 more men around us.

“Hi Kulwinder, not a great time, I guess as you can see bro,” I said, managing a formal smile.

He was 6.4 and huge sardar guy, from my MBA class. We used to tease him for his bucket hands. And there were 6 more like him.

“What happened Paaji, who are these guys?” He asked.

“She is my colleague and these guys aren’t letting her, I mean us, go. They say they’ll take her along”.

“Don’t worry Paaji, now they take a lot of bruises along.” He chuckled.

Kulwinder just twisted the guy’s wrist and his gun fell and I heard his wrist crack and he punched him in the face. No one moved. All of Kulwinder’s friends had surrounded the scene. He held the other two, while I took the gun up.

“Please let us go, you take the girl and your money too.” They pleaded.

Finally they left after the bruises Kulwinder promised. I took Kulwinder’s number and thanked him. He saw, I was shaken and had a stoned woman with me, he didn’t insist on holding us up for long. I took her back to resort and someone showed her to her room. Next morning, as the lift opened, it was her again.

I just held the lift’s door and said, “I know you will move on, but find something better than what you found last night”.

“Listen,” She tried saying something but I let the door slide and waited for lift to come again.

She didn’t turn up for work for next 3 days. I heard from my HR, that she had taken sick leave. I had made up my mind. I won’t let her fool around with me anymore. When she joined back, she tried her best to get a moment or two of personal conversation about that night in Goa, but I did not relent. I kept it to just work – simple and straightforward. Though she kept texting me her apologies and about how she had been acting immature and it was just effect of alcohol, which she wasn’t used to and her break up added to the insobriety. Basically the same old wine in the same old bottle. She kept calling at odd hours, hoping I would come blasting, which may open up some window for negotiating an apology; initiate some personal exchange of emotions. But I acted, like I never received those calls. I wasn’t curt; I wasn’t friendly. July passed but I saw her desperation grow with each passing week. She had floated a story about that night, citing me as some superhero. Initially. I was embarrassed, about being scared in that situation but then I realised; I was brave enough. I stood between her and her getting raped with a gun pointed – point blank – at me.

July passed. I had settled into work and I thought this might be it and life would get a little less eventful. But it’s never advisable to be complacent, especially when there is a woman out there; to get you.

Sometime during the first week of August of 2006, it was an unusually pleasant evening. I was in office with a few guys from my team and a friend at work. We ordered a few beers. It was dark, with grey clouds threatening to pour. I always loved rain. Around 7.30 pm, Rihana called on my cell phone. It was raining heavily and I was half way down my second can of beer. I answered the phone when she called second time.

“Yes Rihana?”

“I am stuck outside the client’s office in the rain, am unable to find an auto.” she replied. “Do you mind picking me up from here, I am at Lodhi Road?” She requested.

I was confused. “Rihana I can ask the driver to pick you up and drop you home.” I said, trying to avoid an encounter, with a few beers down and the rain adding to my intoxication.

“I am badly drenched, I won’t be comfortable with the driver please.” She insisted.

“See I am with friends” I added.

“Please, I am badly drenched and stuck. It’s a request.” She was persuasive.

The word ‘drenched’ – in her voice – dribbled an image of her, in my mind. I knew she was wearing a white fitted shirt, with fitted pants and her shirt was not very opaque. I saw her standing with her folder hugged in her arms trying to hide her rain soaked shirt from the people around. And as I reached there – in my mind’s eye – to pick her up, I saw her right arm stretch behind my seat to settle the folder on the back seat. She wasn’t hiding herself anymore.

“Can you come please?” She asked again interrupting my imagination.

After 15 seconds, as her image dissolved in the rain on my mind, I realised, I had agreed. I drove in autopilot, as I kept swapping between reason and temptation. I was speeding subconsciously. When I reached, I saw her standing on the other side of the road. But she wasn’t hugging her folder. It was in her bag and instead of standing under the roof of the bus station, she was letting the rain splatter her shirt colorless. I was regretting having forgotten my coat in the office. She hopped in. Her smile only confirmed, why she was not saving herself from getting drenched.

As I drove, she said, “please turn off the AC, am getting chills”.

I complied, but the moment I did, the windscreen was fogged, I switched the AC to windscreen mode but she was still uncomfortable, “Please don’t turn on the AC.” She shivered.

“I can’t drive without it, look at the screen,” I almost pleaded.

I was trying so hard not to look at her waist and her cleavage, which was inevitably prominent as her shirt clung to her like a second skin. It was becoming impossible to drive. I stopped the car in the by-lane.

Before she asked anything, I said, “we need to wait, I can’t see anything without defogging the windscreen.” We sat waiting.

But the wait wasn’t about letting time pass. Her shivering whimpers, the fogging windows, the unexpected heat of anticipation & seeing her despite not looking at her was making the car shrink, just like my ability to hold on to my resolve. “So how was your meeting?” I blurted without looking at her. I could hear my heart drumming my ears. I knew she was testing my resolve. She was relentless with her wordless seduction; her exaggerated breathing and her sudden and random fits of shivering. Usually an impossibly talkative girl, she was communicating with her body alone. “Fine.” she said. Silence, except for rain the rattling like bullets on the metal roof. I guess temptation does that to you. It exaggerates your senses. I pulled the small car cushion from under my back, put it on my thighs and rested my head back on the headrest and took a deep breath; closed my eyes. A few minutes passed, and felt like hours. I thought the storm – both inside and out – would pass. But then, raindrops fell on my face. I opened my eyes to sit up. But it was too late; she gave up waiting on me and took it upon herself. The moment she had her lips toying with mine, the lid on my resistance blew. I grabbed her and pulled her shirt out of her pants. She hastily opened her shirt, as if, wanting to make sure, I don’t change my mind. I pulled the button on the side of my seat and both of us reclined with the seat and she took the cushion from my thighs and tossed it away. Rain stopped, but we couldn’t. I started driving again after an hour. She had her way with me and I saw that look of victory in her eyes.

Shuddered out of my thoughts.

Present Time…
Love: So you think, you didn’t love her and still could not resist her. Wasn’t what happened that evening, on your mind for long?

Me: Well, temptations come and go but your actions speak for you. I avoided her, told her I wasn’t in love with her. She was gorgeous and she knew it and she did her best to use it. In the veil of a friend she innocuously, measured and dug my weaknesses out and then played on them. After that evening, I told her it was something that happened because she induced it out of me and that didn’t mean I loved her. First she agreed that it was fine with her. But at the same time she wanted me to act like her lover. How many times does it take for a no to be counted as a ‘NO’ to someone about anything? She screwed my life for next 3 months. She called up my friends, she bothered my colleagues, and she gatecrashed my parties. She played with my mind, alternating between ‘Ok lets be friends” and “I cannot live without you”. How many times tell me, did she try – despite my constant chiding – to seduce me and make me make out with her. How and why planned seduction can be any different from drugging someone to bed? Which man, would have let that opportunity go – being single or even if not? But I maintained my dignity and hers too. I respected the fact that she loved me. I gave that to her. But, before pointing your finger at me Mr. Love, remind yourself of how much I did for her and to what lengths I went to make sure, she can move on? It’s not like you love or not love. Sometimes it’s all grey and that smokescreen dupes you. I was duped, by her constant attempts to lure me into that ‘honey trap’. She blamed me for that evening, and you trust her? She had been with a man herself for 5 years and it wasn’t her first time with a man. Who stands in rain getting drenched, when there is a shed four steps away? She said she loved a man for 5 years and she walked past him like a stranger one fine day. And for one hour that evening, I became a womanizer? Making out with someone consensually doesn’t mean, you allow them to make you bow down to their whims. I told her, I never loved her and had her intentions being fair, she would since then, have taken steps to avoid me; but instead, she took to proactive persuasion and seduction to satiate her ego – and her unexplained sense of revenge for being denied what she put her hand on.

Love: But, you gave her all the importance that a lady craves for, how do you explain that? You gave her more time than you gave to anyone since she joined you. You sparked that fire in her. Didn’t you?

Me: Really, if my presence was sparking fires, then why didn’t 20 other ladies in my team ever got ignited. I went out with them for meetings, had my lunches, made them feel important, respected them and yes for some of them I had my dark secret desires & fantasies. But I never expressed them because desire alone isn’t love and I know it. And I never dwelled on momentary pleasures, except unless there was an express consent to it. It’s totally different, when two people know what they are getting into and why and for how long. She was totally messing up with my brain after I didn’t concede to her ‘love’ commands.

Forget her for a moment. Do you think you can define yourself with clarity? People feel you in different ways with different people. People think they have fallen in love, while they only like each other, at times and at other times they love someone deeply and never get it. Sometimes people have such body chemistry with each other and they think that, that physical love, is real love, while many others may never have met and still fall in love with each other over chats, calls, and texts, letters and even just for having found someone who understands them and shares common passion. It is not like you say, ‘I LOVE YOU’ and love happens or starts. What would you call two people’s relationship who love to have sex but have nothing else to share other than that? What is it that people are in, if they spend their whole day together, spend the best time of their lives with one another but it doesn’t matter if they end up in bed or not? Why is it romantic only when bodies or physical imagination gets involved? Love is in the mind not in the body and if that is a fallacy, then why aren’t prostitutes revered for spreading love across the world?

Why can’t friends be lovers, if love means to be your best with the one you love? Why can’t lovers become friends, if they so love each other? What if friends end up getting physically involved; is it love or is it friendship? What if lovers after having made love, feel, they love everything about each other except making love; is love still love or it then becomes friendship? And what, when two people are friends and make love and still not feel love for each other? What when love is an arrangement, is it really love? Is acting and pretending being in love, love or feeling it is love? And how do you know if the other person is feeling the same love as you are, if at all?

Why people say love happens only once? I have had friends who fell in love with every woman who spoke to them for more than 10 mins. I know women, who always had to have someone love them outside their committed relationship to keep them happy, even when they always agreed their committed love was rocking. If so, which one is love and which one is not? And who decides that for anyone? Who decides what’s love – the people involved or the people judging them? When everyone has a personalized experience of love, why people want to put boundaries around it and define it. If love is a mix of emotions, feelings, care, lust, sex, friendship, responsibility, possessiveness and many other subtle shades, why decide which part should be more important than other or absence of which part should make it void. Why not just let it be love alone – each to his own – except that one’s love should not become another’s stress, pain, hurt or harm.

Rihana loved me, I didn’t but she made me do something which I tried my best not to; was that love? Was it her love that attracted me for a while or did I fall in love with her for that instant? If she loved me then why she thought arousing lust would make way for love? And if it was her error of judgment, why am I to offer any explanations to anyone? She erred, when she thought that by arousing me a few times, she was inventing love. Love isn’t that simple. Love isn’t black or white. It’s the darkest shade of GREY.

Love: So you didn’t love her? You never had any feelings, which would fall, in any sort of compartment called love?

Me: Not that I know of. Unless you plan to enlighten me! On the contrary, with her relentless efforts, whatever respect she gained, went in vain. There may have been moments, when I looked at her and asked myself, she is perfect, so why can’t I love her? But then, you don’t fall for someone, just because someone is perfect. Or because everyone you know would go climb the Everest, just to get her to love them. People love, slim perfect figured women, and I don’t. Love isn’t perfect nor is love a switch. It is not about ‘love is on’ or love is off’. Love is dish and everyone has their own different taste. Love is a teamwork of emotions and feelings not calculations and statistics. Love is an abstract art, the one who makes it, only knows what he meant, and others only have their perceptions about it. So let people decide their own love, mix and match their own emotions and feelings about it and respect others’ blend with equal respect. It’s like religion, yours is always superior but give space to others to feel the same for theirs and when you don’t, it’s always destructive; so is with love.

Rihana knew her own blend but didn’t agree to respect mine and that’s where it all went wrong for her. And for me. She moved on, everyone eventually does. But she had a choice – she could have moved on with respect and dignity. May be her blend was too grey, to let her see anything through it, not even the fact that I never loved her and told her, with same conviction each time, her love for me came up. Love isn’t just blind, it can be deaf too, else she would have heard what I said consistently – I don’t love you Rihana.

Love: Well, I never attempt to define myself. You only told me last time that people define me to suit the trends. Just like god, that created me. I never came down and gave my introduction.

However I still, have a question of mine unanswered.

Me: Which is?

Love: What happened in October 2006? Why did you fire Rihana from her job? Just because she loved you and you were unable to handle it, so you took her job?

Me: You must be crazy! I never fired Rihana. On 10th October 2006, I remember the date, because it was my birthday, I wrote my resignation. I had had enough of her stalking and harassing. I was called into the CEO’s office. They were shocked at my resignation. CEO and the MD, they both were trying hard to understand why was I leaving. I had been with them for good 4 years. I told them about it. I told them, Rihana was a great asset to the company but I can’t work with her anymore. They said they will change her team but I was reluctant because I knew it was not going to change anything. She was unrelenting in what she thought was her pursuit but a torture for me. So I told them, I wont work with them anymore and the reason for it. They asked me for 2 days time. When after 7 days, I went to check with them about the status of acceptance of my resignation, they said Rihana had left the company. A month later, I came to know, she was asked to leave. They chose me over her for their company. SO, I DID NOTHING TO HER!

‘The idea oversimplification of love is a convenience. True love is when people, tread along the complications, which love carries and still can’t stop being together – with sex or without’

YR