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Love Suddenly Gone

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  • #345904
    Pedro
    Participant

    Hello everyone. Sorry, for my English.  I will try to explain what you have been with me for a while. I’ve been dating for 4 years and everything was fine. Sometimes disagreements but nothing very serious and that a conversation does not resolve itself. But one day, we were talking and out of nowhere I felt that I didn’t love her anymore. Nothing at all. I didn’t care much at the time, but in the days that followed I felt enormous anguish, anxiety like never before. I feel that I still love her, I know that yes, love cannot disappear so I think. She is the woman of my life, I felt so happy, like never before and out of nowhere this happens. I was forced to tell him, I couldn’t take it. The sms did not seem to mean the same anymore. We took a break, she cried so much that I felt so bad and the culprit of it all happening.  Please help, I’m desperate about this

    #345906
    Pedro
    Participant

    Has anyone gone through the same? How did things end? I wanted so badly to love her. It’s been over a week since this happened. I feel that I still love her but that there is something holding this feeling. I’m really desperate about all this. Please help me!

    #345910
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pedro:

    If your girlfriend is a  good partner to you and your relationship with her has been healthy, then your anxiety is not about whether you love her or not.

    “one day, we were talking and out of nowhere I felt that I didn’t love her anymore. Nothing at all. I didn’t care much at the time”- nothing unusual about this, a feeling of love is not a permanent condition. The feeing of love, like all feelings, come and go and keep changing, much like the weather: sunny, then cloudy, then rainy etc.

    This is why you weren’t alarmed at the time (“didn’t care much at the time”), because it happened before, nothing unusual.

    But “in the days that followed I felt enormous anguish, anxiety like never before”- this anxiety is not about the question of whether you love her or not.

    Your anxiety is about something else- maybe your work situation, maybe it’s about your family, maybe the pandemic.. maybe it’s because of something that happened when you were a child.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    #345912
    Pedro
    Participant

    Hello Anita, thank you very much for responding, and for your help! Anxiety only comes when I think of it, a huge fear of not feeling a love for her again. When we were together it seemed that I felt nothing. And the day before we were really happy. And out of nowhere, can it change everything from one second to the next? It’s very weird. It seems that I have the feeling of love stuck. The pandemic has changed my habit a lot, but I think I was handling it well. In the family, there were always some problems, since I was a kid, I saw my mother arguing with my father about alcohol, and at school I can say that I didn’t have the happiest times. Do you think this can still work?

    #345914
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pedro:

    I think that the fear in the core of your anxiety is not about whether you love your girlfriend or not. Fear has a way of attaching itself to where it doesn’t belong. For example, when you were a child, and saw your mother arguing with your father, you were probably afraid at the time. And if they argued often, you were often afraid. Finally, that fear stayed in you permanently, as anxiety. Sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don’t feel it, but it’s always there.

    Fast forward, your fear attached itself to the question of loving your girlfriend or not. But that’s not where your fear belongs, or said differently, that’s not what your fear is about. It is about your parents arguing.

    I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours. If you want, tell me more about your experience as a child, at home, with your parents. When I return, I will reply to you further.

    anita

    #345916
    Pedro
    Participant

    So, when I was a child there were always discussions between them. Sometimes smaller, sometimes even with violence. He never treated me badly, he never hit me. But there was never a true father-to-son relationship. And I often feel sorry, and I miss it. Do not talk to my brother, they got upset several times, but the last one has not spoken for a long time. And we all live under the same roof. Lately things are not as complicated as in the past but the disagreements sometimes come back. I never wanted to be like him, I even did everything not to be the same. My greatest strength in the middle of all this will have been my brother. And I am always very sorry for what my mother goes through. I try to have a good relationship with my father, but I can’t because I always have that image of them. But honestly, it didn’t bother me much lately, I was never really upset with this since I literally grew up with them arguing. I never talked about it so openly with anyone

    #345922
    Pedro
    Participant

    My girlfriend was a little complicated, I admit. Sometimes it was super cute, other times it seems like it was upset. It’s random and I didn’t understand it very well. But we are not all the same and I understood, she was like that, and I handled it well. She herself said she didn’t understand that. This hasn’t even happened for a long time. Of course, this sometimes led to arguments, but then we talked and everything was fine because we loved each other. We dated for 4 years and after 8 months she started getting weird and asked for a break. I didn’t understand it very well but I gave it time. Even thinking that she wanted to break up. I started going out with friends and probably jealous she sent me a message again. We were in uncertainty for about two months, more on her part than mine. One day I said enough, whether you want it or not and she said yes and since then everything has been going super well. I’m sure she loves me, she cares about me, she treats me well. It was reciprocal. And out of nowhere it happens to me to stop having a feeling of indifference for her when in the previous second I was completely in love with her. I swear I don’t understand this. I didn’t want to live a lie, but I also didn’t want to lose it. And I’m afraid of this. How can I get out of this nightmare, and love her again? More than a week passed and the feeling didn’t return

    #345938
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pedro:

    I will be back to your thread in a couple of hours.

    anita

    #345944
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pedro:

    “out of nowhere it happens to me to stop having a feeling.. I swear I don’t understand this”- it seems like out of nowhere, but it comes from somewhere, and even though you don’t understand it now, you can understand this, and I can help you understand. I will need to ask you questions so to help both of us understand your situation.

    What you shared is that you live with your parents, that you “literally grew up with them arguing”, “sometimes even with violence”, that you feel sorry for your mother and angry at your father, and distant from him. You are also distant from one brother.

    1. I didn’t understand this sentence: “My greatest strength in the middle of all this will have been my brother”- can you explain it to me?

    Regarding your girlfriend, you shared that sometimes she gets upset, but she doesn’t know why and you don’t know why either.

    2. Can you give me a couple of examples of her getting upset: what did she say and do when she got upset?

    At one point, “she started getting weird and asked for a break”.

    3. How long ago was it that she asked for a break?

    4. Did she ever explain to you why she wanted a break at that time, and why she was distant from you for about two months?

    I understand that English is not your first language, so please take your time (no need to rush)  and write to me as clearly as you can.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 8 months ago by anita.
    #345976
    Pedro
    Participant

    My brother is not far away. I live with him. Maybe he gave it to me when I was a kid what my dad didn’t give me. It made me feel that I didn’t go through all that alone. My girlfriend wouldn’t say that she was upset, she just hardly spoke to me, it seemed that she came without patience. If I asked what she had didn’t know how to answer. Then on another day everything was fine, it was random but it happened a few times. Regarding the time, she asked me 8 months after the relationship started, we are now 4 years old. She told me it was because of work, we were rarely able to be together at that time, but I knew she was confused about how she felt about me. Those 2 months she didn’t want to let me go but she also didn’t want to go back. So one day I said that I was tired of waiting and suffering and she wanted to come back and since then everything has been fine between us

    #345978
    Pedro
    Participant

    Will it be better if I leave this house? More than a week has passed and the feeling of love for her has not returned. I was undeniably happy with her. I’m really desperate. We haven’t talked in a few days and I think of her, I can’t get out of my head, but it seems that the good memories I had with her have disappeared, along with the desire to be with her. This is so bad. Do you think time will allow me to be happy with her again?

    Thank you very much for the help Anita, I really appreciate

    #346000
    Pedro
    Participant

    Someone in the same situation? Or that you’ve been through this? How were things? Pleaseee need help

    #346002
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pedro:

    You are very welcome, I appreciate your gratitude. Here are my thoughts this morning:

    1. Regarding your fear of “Love Suddenly Gone” (title of your thread), this “huge fear of not feeling a love for her again”- in nature, animals feel fear when they perceive danger. For example, when a deer notices a mountain lion approaching, the deer feels fear and runs away. The danger is: to be eaten by the mountain lion. It is the same with humans, naturally we feel fear when we perceive, or believe that we are in danger.

    Anxiety is fear about something that is not real-and-present danger. A mountain lion approaching a deer is real and present danger. So  is this pandemic- a physical and economical real and present danger.

    But not feeling love for your girlfriend- there is no real and present danger there. This is why your fear of not loving her is part of an anxiety condition.

    Try therefore to relax best you can. If you don’t feel love for her today, and tomorrow and .. ever, what terrible thing will happen? .. What is the danger???

    Your feelings themselves (and lack of feelings) are not dangerous, so try to make peace with your feelings. Try to make peace with not feeling love for her and try to make peace with your fear, as well as with all your feelings, whatever they are, at anytime, anyplace.

    2. There is no moral requirement that you feel love for her. It doesn’t make you a bad person for not feeling love for her. No one is taken to a court of law and charged with a crime of not feeling love for anyone. You don’t owe her to feel love for her. You see, you don’t choose your feelings, none of us choose our feelings- we feel what we do, we don’t feel what we don’t, it just happens. We choose our behaviors, not our feelings.

    3. Your girlfriend  (who may be your ex girlfriend), at times she felt upset at you (a feeling) and hardly spoke to you (a behavior). You asked her if she was upset and she lied to you and told you that she was not upset with you. But her behavior showed that she was upset: for a whole two months she kept a distance from you, not telling you anything about how she felt. Maybe she still is at times dishonest about how she feels, maybe you know inside that she may get upset with you at any time and stop  talking to you. Maybe this .. weak but ongoing fear of not-knowing the next time she gets upset is what killed that feeling of love in your heart.

    4. The pandemic is a situation that is adding to the fears we already had before the pandemic. Fear is an emotion that is more powerful than love: when there is too much fear in our hearts, the Fear sorts of kicks out the Love out of our hearts.

    5.  You asked: “Will it be better if I leave this house?”- as I understand it, she is living with you, your parents and brother. Why is she living with all of you and not in her parents’ house???

    Take your time, Pedro (no rushing), and let me know what you think of 1-5 above.

    anita

     

     

    #346452
    Pedro
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I apologize for the delay in responding. These days to think and I came to the conclusion below. She didn’t start out much with me and then she stopped being. Not that it was bad for me, but it wasn’t that intense. But now it started to be more. If all of that is discarded, when I send a message to say that I love and she says that too and that her life is no longer important. Did this spark something in me?It seems that I question everything we think for our future
    I was with her on Sunday and when I saw her I felt like it was the first date, but then the thoughts came back, I don’t understand.
    Regarding number 5, she doesn’t live with me, but with her parents

    #346454
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pedro:

    What I did understand from your recent post is that your girlfriend doesn’t live with you, but with her parents (good thing!), and that you were with her Sunday, it felt “like it was the first date”, but then your thoughts that you don’t love her returned.

    I didn’t understand your first paragraph because you didn’t write it clearly. If you want to take your time and re-write it, please do and I will reply to you further.

    anita

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