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  • #377461
    Joane
    Participant

    Hi

    Please help me, work out what to do please.

    I meet a guy thought work about 10 years ago, we ended up being together for about 3 years. We didn’t end badly it was the right person just the wrong time.

     

    However we have kept in touch all this time. We were with different people, and finally we r both single at the same time. So we have been messaging more and more we can’t do anything else due to covid. He told me he has feelings for me and cares deeply, however he isn’t sure if he can do a relationship as he’s got his guard up.

    We are so close like we were before we flirt, and we laugh we share everything and ask question all the time. He tends to message me first, so we do message about sex as we used to have amazing sex, and we both want to do that again. However the issue I’m having is I don’t know where I stand. I know we want to have sex but the other side of it is I know its not all about sex as he keeps telling me this. Then we r like a couple in the way we r but then he’s said he has feelings but doesn’t want to risk our friendship with when he doesn’t know if he can do a relationship. He’s told me we fit so well together so I don’t understand what’s going on.

    #377484
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Joane:

    Recently, he told you the following: (1) he cares deeply for you, and “it’s not all about sex”, (2) he wants to have sex with you but does not want to risk your friendship, (3) the two of you fit so well together, (4) he is not sure if he can do a relationship with you because his guard is up.

    You wrote: “I don’t understand what’s going on”. Here is my best guess as to what is going on:

    He wants to have sex with you and he does not want to have a committed relationship with you. He wants to have a friends-with-benefits relationship with you, as in two good friends having sex once in a while, no expectations, no pressure, just friendly fun.

    What do you think about my understanding?

    anita

    #377491
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Joane,

    I meet a guy thought work about 10 years ago, we ended up being together for about 3 years. We didn’t end badly it was the right person just the wrong time.

    Were you with other people during those 3 years you were together, i.e. were you his mistress and he had a wife or partner then? Or you had a partner and were having an affair with him? I am asking because you said it was the right person but the wrong time.

    #377509
    Joane
    Participant

    I dont think he does at all, we never have been about sex, even the first time round. He a really sensitive and deep person. He has made it really clear he doesn’t want to hurt which is why he was clear about the relationship in the first place but if he just wanted to have sex he didn’t need to be. We r so close and kept in touch for ten years, which if it was just about sex he didn’t need to do.

    #377510
    Joane
    Participant

    it was the wrong time as I had other stuff going on in my life, nothing to do with partners or relationships

    #377511
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Joane,

    if you had a relationship before and you stayed friends all these years, it appears to me that even if the relationship doesn’t work out at this time, your friendship wouldn’t be in trouble – if that’s his biggest fear.

    However the issue I’m having is I don’t know where I stand.

    What exactly is it that you’re unsure about?

    #377519
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Joane:

    In your second post you wrote that the relationship has “never .. been about sex”, but in your first, original post, you wrote: “we do message about sex as we used to have amazing sex, and we both want to do that again”-

    – there is a contradiction here: on one hand you had amazing sex and he (as well as you) wants it again, and on the other hand the relationship has never been about sex.. I don’t understand. If you would like to explain what appears to me a contradiction, please do, best you can.

    anita

    #377536
    Joane
    Participant

    What I mean as out relationship over the 10 years we have kept in touch was sharing everything and we didn’t really ever talk about sex. We are super close and share everything. We were together for 3 years and had amazing sex. However this has never been whats kept us close all this time. We have both been in other relationships, and now we r both single we have talked about the sex we used to have as we connected do well. But this has never ever been what our relationship was about. If we both said no we didn’t want to have sex, this wouldn’t change our relationship

     

    #377547
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Joane:

    You explained the matter well and I think I understand better now.

    When he told you: “he has feelings but doesn’t want to risk our friendship”, I think that what he meant was that he is afraid that if he has a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with you, there might be anger and a breakup and after that, he will no longer have you as his friend, a friend that he cares for very much.

    He also told you “we fit so well together”- I think that he is not sure that you fit so well together in each and every way. At least on one way, he is not sure that you fit well together. In what way (or ways) does he doubt that you fit together so well- I don’t know.

    One more thing, you wrote that you and him are “so close”- reads like the two of you are close, but often, two  people that are close to each other are not close to the same extent. You feel so close to him and you may feel that he feels the same, but maybe you feel closer to him than he feels to you.

    anita

     

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