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Loveless Marriage

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • January 14, 2019 at 7:56 am #274439
    Allison
    Participant

    Hello, I have written on this blog a few times over the years. My problems are still the same. I have been married over 20 years. I have two awesome kids, 15 girl & 12 boy. My husband is a good man. But I always felt like our marriage lacked in intimacy. We are great as friends and we co-parent great. But our marriage just never reached that total happiness level. Maybe my expectations are too high but a few years ago, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I got involved with another man who was fun, and like to go places. My husband very rarely wanted to leave the house, and when we did it was always whatever what he wanted to do. Anyway, when I got a taste of having a great time with other men. I just cant stop. I secretly go on dates and are on dating apps and my husband might suspect but doesn’t question me on it. I don’t want to go on too long, but I guess my problem is I am not being a true mom & wife by doing my duty and staying out of trouble. We did talk divorce once but he wont sell the house and he needs me to help with the kids. He makes it very complicated because I believe he still loves me. But I only love him as a good father and still a good friend. Thank you for listening.

    January 14, 2019 at 9:09 am #274465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Allison:

    I would like to understand better, therefore I ask:

    You wrote: “our marriage just never reached that total happiness level”. Can you define “that total happiness level” you referred to best you can?

    “when I got a taste of having a great time with other men. I just can’t stop”- do you have a great time with every man you secretly date and what does “a great time” mean to you?

    anita

    January 14, 2019 at 9:12 am #274469
    Allison
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Total happiness level for me is being fulfilled by my partners. Maybe its a fantasy to be totally happy with someone when everyone has there flaws. Also having fun with other men is going out to dinner, drinking wine, laughing. My husband has been sober for many years and that has been a huge resentment for me.

    Allison

     

    January 14, 2019 at 9:27 am #274477
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Allison:

    You enjoy the dating experience, going out to restaurants, having dinner, wine… I understand.

    In your previous thread you wrote that you plan to separate from him in three years, that would be 2.5 years from now, I figure, when your daughter is 18.

    I’d say first priority are these kids, whatever is  best for them. What is best for them is to live in a home without aggression, without arguments and so forth, so make sure the interactions between you and your husband are calm, friendly and respectful. It is best for the children to live with both their parents only if the two parents are calm, do  not argue or fight.

    It feels uncomfortable for you to go on dates not knowing if your husband knows, what he is thinking… what do you tell him and the kids when you go out at night and come back, I am guessing, late at night, maybe in early morning?

    anita

    January 14, 2019 at 9:38 am #274479
    Allison
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I feel things are great at home with the kids. We raise them together and do a great job. He works during the day, and likes to stay home at night. I think he has chosen not to socialize with me (unless its family stuff) outside of the house because of the problems we have had. I tell him I’m going out with girlfriends, when I am really on dates with other men. As long as Im home at a reasonable time and don’t stay out all night. He has not been suspicious. I think my daughter thinks its strange that Mom & Dad don’t do anything together, but she hasn’t mentioned it.

    Allison

    January 14, 2019 at 9:45 am #274481
    Allison
    Participant

    I guess my question is and what I’m feeling is, should I just stop all this sneaking around and just try harder at my marriage and just try to find love again with my husband. So I’m not such a sinner and horrible person.

    January 14, 2019 at 10:47 am #274497
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Allison:

    Having read your previous thread and this one, I don’t think you should try to try harder at your marriage. This marriage has been dead for a long, long time. I don’t think it is recoverable.

    Living separately from him would be the way to go except that when you did last he expressed his distress over you not living with him to your children- do I remember correctly?

    Is it that you are keeping him calmer by living there, as in keeping him from expressing distress to your children and harming them that way?

    anita

    January 14, 2019 at 11:30 am #274513
    Allison
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You hit the nail right on the head! Yes, I fear he really needs my help with taking care of the home and the kids. I will admit, my coming home has been better for me also. Its made me be a better mother. I don’t want to hurt him or my family by separating again. But if he finds out I’m cheating, it will be bad. I don’t see us separating amicably and nicely.

    Allison

     

    January 14, 2019 at 11:50 am #274517
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Allison:

    From what you shared I don’t see him “separating amicably and nicely” no matter what.

    The way I understand it: the marriage is over, the current living arrangement with him is just that, a living arrangement. I think that trying to work on a dead marriage will bring you misery and defeat your purpose of being a better mother to your children.

    I will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. I hope you post again.

    anita

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