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July 18, 2018 at 2:40 am #217387
AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
I think I understand correctly. Thank you for your appreciation and kindness. You’ve always been kind to me (and to all members who replied to you). About visiting my mother after I moved out and thousands of miles away from her: that was unfortunate and it kept me sick. When I was away from her I started to get better, feeling hope and excitement about life. When I visited her, all of it was gone, I became distressed and disturbed again. Then I would leave again, thousands of miles away, feel better, hopeful, once again. And then I visited her again (feeling guilty about not visiting her), and the same happened again. After so many visits, I stopped recovering from the visits, and the hope was gone. I was getting older and there was no healing.
Until I stopped all contact with her. Problem is my youth was gone at this point. I was twenty years older than you when I stopped all contact with her. I hope you do so earlier than I have.
Regarding anxiety and calm: I feel the beginning of fear and I calm myself quickly, asking myself: is there a danger here and now, for me? If there is none, nothing I need to do, I let the fear go.
Problem is your danger is your mother and she is right there, with you. Not only has she abused you relentlessly over the years, she also inflicts you with guilt, intentionally (!) for wanting to free yourself from her abuse of you.
anita
July 18, 2018 at 4:55 am #217417AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
Thank you for letting me know this. It’s very important. I think a lot about how it’s going to be when I will be away. Will I visit her, how will she treat me if I will. Will she make me feel guilty that she is alone and I left. I guess she will, I’m almost sure she will. That why I thank you for telling me this. Well..I don’t want that, I also think you definitely know how hard it is when you feel guilty and to overcome this. Grandma does this to her all the time, she’s 82 and lives alone and manipulates her that she lives alone and no one cares about her (it’s not true). She thinks she lets me live and she’s not like grandma but it’s not true. I’m scared I will be just like her and grandma, being 60 years old under the influence of my mother. I don’t want such a life.
I’m going on Friday to talk about payments. I know it will be good for me, smaller town, away. I’m scared she will destroy it, after what you wrote, I know it will be another obstacle for me to fight, dealing with her. Thank you for writing this, I often feel I’m not capable of being as strong as you are because you deal with everything so perfectly, being so wise and strong, so why would I, being what I am.
July 18, 2018 at 5:49 am #217427AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
“so why would I, being what I am”- what do you mean, being who you are?
anita
July 18, 2018 at 5:52 am #217429AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
July 18, 2018 at 6:47 am #217459AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
Being weak
July 18, 2018 at 7:17 am #217467AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
Would you like to be strong?
anita
July 18, 2018 at 11:31 am #217501AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
I’m trying. I overcame one of the worst things in my life so far, something that destroyed me mentally and physically (when I look at pictures from February how skinny I was, I can’t believe it). I feel a bit stronger. And I’m doing this moving out, it’s happening so.. but I’m really scared. This last thing had such a big impact on me. what he said to me hurt me so much and made me feel so guilty. I know how next night will be, I’m so afraid. How am I going to live being so weak anyone can hurt me and put me down.
July 18, 2018 at 11:38 am #217505AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
I need to get away from the computer for about 15 hours. Will re-read your recent short post and any other you may add to it when I return and will reply then. Be kind to yourself today/ tonight, will you?
anita
July 19, 2018 at 1:03 am #217569AnonymousInactiveDear Anita, thank you for saying this (again). My friend called and I feel better. I understood he acted very childish blaming me and saying I’m responsible for that he did this and that. Also I understood what he did that got me so depressed: he blamed me. for not missing him, for not having feelings for him, for not caring, for not being able to fall in love, for using him (?!), for not staying for the night. and what I do when someone blames me: I start to apologize, cry, panic, feel guilty, become obsessive and aggressive and I’ll literally do anything for this person to forgive me and take me back, and I can’t go on with my life until he or she forgives me for what I am without doubt guilty of. So yeah, that is absolutely the worst person I could have in my life ever. Anita, that’s what I was telling earlier. How can I know living alone will be easier when there are a lot of people around who will play the role of my mother to me and manipulate me. And they will put me down everytime. I try to see more, and be more mindful and this still happens. Did this happen to you?
July 19, 2018 at 2:55 am #217577AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
To be able to answer your question “Did this happen to you?”, I need to know what this is. I want to look into what this short relationship has been so far.
You met him a couple of years ago, recently he texted you. You met June 23, first date. You were at a café. You ended that date telling him you have to go. He told you at that point and texted you later that he had a good time and maybe you can do it again. You texted him back: “me too”. He didn’t respond to that text for a while. Later he asked you what kind of food you like and many other questions. He told you that he likes it that you are organized and plan ahead and that you are “so joyful and smiling all the time”.
Later, following the first date still, he texted you how he is infatuated with you, that he wants to be yours, that you can be forever in his life, that he will treat you like no one ever did. You told him you felt a bit overwhelmed with his kind of talk. Once you went dancing with friends and he texted you that he can’t sleep until you were home safe. During the second date you were at his place and started kissing, “But something happened and he said he can’t. You said it is okay. He then apologized, saying he “felt pressure for it to be perfect and just couldn’t”. He just sat there and you said: I am going home.
On a third date, a Saturday, he proposed a massage so you took off your t-shirt and “one thing led to another”. You also talked and watched movies. He begged you to stay for the night. You said: maybe next time. He insisted. You didn’t stay the night.
Later on he told you that you are afraid of commitment, that you went to his place “just to have sex”, that you provoked him by taking off your t-shirt, which he said he didn’t ask you to do. He said you wanted sex and that you are “not capable of feeling anything or being in love”, that you didn’t want to hug or cuddle, and “it doesn’t feel right”.
Is my description correct?
I have a couple of questions for you:
1. How long did the first date with him last and how do you know how long it was (did you watch the time)?
2. You wrote, “Every time I went on a date with someone else I never wanted to do this, not before I trusted someone”. You were referring to sexual activity. But the other man in your life that you shared about in previous threads, about whom we communicated at length, you didn’t trust him but had sex with him nonetheless. Can you explain to me the sentence I quoted?
anita
July 19, 2018 at 4:53 am #217597AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
Yes, all this is correct.
The first date, when I said I have to go, it lasted about an hour and a half. Yes, I watched the time, he told me earlier he wants to watch a football game in the evening and he doesn’t have that much time (it was about 4 pm and the match was 8 pm). so I at one point I felt insecure and I thought it’s better to leave first, maybe he just said that about this match because he wanted to have a reason to leave.
Yes, I didn’t trust him. But also when it comes to sex I really have an issue with that. When I met Tom I didn’t want to do it because I knew he doesn’t want commitment. For first 6 months were just hanging out, I spent the night at his home and we didn’t do anything, because I didn’t want to. It was the best time. But then he started to manipulate me, telling me about being together, living together, holding hands, I was in love and I agreed but then it changed again and this toxic relationship started. During this time many times I didn’t want to stay in his house anymore because I started feeling bad with what was happening so he blamed me that I’m indecisive. I blamed myself it was my fault, that it all started badly because I didn’t want that, and too much time has passed and now it was all ruined. I was desperate to keep him so I tried, I spent more time with him, cooked for him etc gave it some time to fix it but he didn’t care already. until I decided I wanted to leave which took me some time. And now I met someone who said he wants to be serious, to treat me well and respect me so I believed him. It was overwhelming how he talked about his feelings and I thought he acted weird but I liked him and I wanted to give him a chance. I thought I don’t want to ruin it and didn’t think about my own feelings. I wanted this to not be a disaster. I knew it was happening too fast and it was way too fast for me but I thought he wants that and it’s how it should happen. I don’t know if it makes sense to you. So to your question about me trusting someone: No, I never did this because I trusted someone, I always did this because I thought I had to, and as a way to not lose someone.
July 19, 2018 at 5:08 am #217601AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
Regarding your answer to my first question, if you watched the time and that first date lasted an hour and a half, why did you write about it: “we met literally for an hour but it was nice”?
Regarding your answer to my second question, your answer is: “So to your question about me trusting someone: No, I never did this because I trusted someone, I always did this because I thought I had to, and as a way to not lose someone”.
Going back to your statement earlier in this thread: “Every time I went on a date with someone else I never wanted to do this, not before I trusted someone”, do you mean that you wanted to trust a man before having sex with the man but had sex with the man even though you didn’t trust him, for the purpose of not losing a man whether you trusted him or not?
anita
July 19, 2018 at 5:29 am #217607AnonymousInactiveIt was an hour and a half but we visited the gym first because he wanted to take some things and then we went for a coffee and it was about an hour.
Yes I guess that’s correct. The only man I fully trusted in my life and I knew he cared, and I cared too, and it was the only healthy relation I was in: I didn’t want a relationship with him or have sex with him because I thought relationships don’t last and friendships can. So I wanted this to survive, because I knew it was real. And it lasted as a friendship for many years and now he’s gone too. All the other times I never trusted anyone, I wanted to but I never did, and I agreed to have sex to not ruin something I deep down knew was not real. I don’t know if it makes sense. It doesn’t even makes sense to me. I really feel this is too much for me already.
July 19, 2018 at 6:58 am #217623AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
Regarding my first question today, you wrote (page 1 and on): “We met today for a drink… we were in the café for an hour and a half.. we met literally for an hour.. It was an hour and a half but we visited the gym first because he wanted to take some things and then we went for a coffee and it was about an hour”
Regarding my second question, you wrote about a man, “the only man I fully trusted in my life and I knew he cared… the only healthy relation I was in… it lasted as a friendship for many years”- are you referring to Tom about whom we communicated at great length on your previous thread?
anita
July 19, 2018 at 8:23 am #217635AnonymousInactiveI meant we met for a quite short time, I don’t understand why it matters whether it was an hour or an hour and a half exactly.
No I didn’t mean Tom. It was someone else I met when I was 24, he was in love with me and cared about me, I cared and trusted him but we were only friends.
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