Hi Heidi,

You say it’s customary to wait until you move into your house? If that’s the case, he is more strict than you.

But, if you can consummate your marriage any time, then you should talk with him about going someplace special like a honeymoon.

I will say that stress can absolutely kill a sex drive. It’s also a great reliever of stress.

The other thing that can happen – and this is a form of stress – is if you are initiating what to him seems like all the time. He may want to be the initiator.

Have you talked about having children, and are you both on the same page?

Having said all that, this is something you will hopefully resolve with him.

Big blue

Hi Heidi,
I actually made an account just to respond to your post as I resonate so strongly with your story.
First of all – when you say it is embarrassing to talk about this subject, I completely know how you feel. One’s sex life is the most intimate thing I can think of, and for many years I was in the same position I imagine you to be in, desperate to talk freely about it without fear of judgement. Just reacting to your story is a bit scary for me, but here we go!

I got married to a lovely man a couple of years ago. I felt so incredibly safe with him as he was the first person to accept me completely. What was more, I felt a strong sexual attraction to him. When we kissed, I’d see fireworks. This was very special for me because I’d never felt safe enough with anyone to let out that side of myself and with him it just came naturally. I’d had boyfriends and partners before but I never understood what the big deal with sex was or why my friends thought so much of it. I was very insecure about myself, especially since I couldn’t go ‘all the way’. The first time I tried to have sex with a boyfriend I clenched up so much that it was just impossible – and this remained so for a long time. I was so embarrased about this. Why couldn’t I be normal? I later found out that there is actually a name for this ‘condition’ and got some therapy – but that’s another story.
Back to the point: even though my husband and I couldn’t have intercourse, we had a very satisfactory sex life. Or at least – we did for a while. After maybe a year or so I found that he would pull back or daze out or get distracted before or during sex. He’d make up excuses – I’m tired, not tonight, that sort of thing. At first I wasn’t too worried about it -it happens to all of us- and we’d cuddle and I’d fall asleep happy. But when this started to happen more often than not, I got frustrated and started doubting myself. Didn’t he find me attractive anymore? What was I doing wrong, why didn’t he enjoy it as much as I did? I started to feel bad about myself – and I don’t doubt that he felt the same way about himself. I’d try to talk about it with him and approached the subject from different angles. Nothing worked. Every night when we’d get in bed together I was reminded of how long ago it had been since we last had been intimate and I felt incredibly sad. I was sure it was my fault, that it was because I couldn’t give him what he really wanted. I started to believe that I was ugly and incompetent. It got to the point where we hadn’t had sex in over a year…
Around that time we hit a road block and we decided to switch things up. I attended one of my dream colleges and he started a dream job – in a different country. This was incredibly hard but we decided we should each follow our dreams and we promised we would see each other every two weeks. Long story short: this time apart made me realise that I was holding back who I was because he didn’t seem to want to recognize that part of me: the strong woman. I felt that I couldn’t be a different person for him any longer. Even though I felt so safe with him, I saw that we were holding each other back. We talked and decided to separate. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
A year and a half later we are still very good friends and feel no resentment towards each other. We met up two months ago and all of a sudden I just shot the question at him: Why hadn’t he wanted me? Was it me? Or was he gay?
I has asked him this question many times before, but now for the first time he was able to answer me: He’d felt tremendous pressure to perform sexually and was terrified of hurting me. I had experienced pain before when we tried to have intercourse, and it had made him scared to try again. He had found this same stress with another girlfriend and was now actively addressing the problem – something he hadn’t been ready for with me. Although this answer made me very sad, I was happy to finally have an answer. To hear that he had wanted me – but simply couldn’t. But I am still struggling with issues because of this rejection that lasted for years.

So – unfortunately I don’t have a ready answer for you. My relationship suffered a long time from the same problem – we both felt so much pressure to perform for each other that it killed the pure enjoyment of loving each other and being intimate. I think if we’d been able to address the problem earlier, we might have still been together.
I’m sure that relations can make it through this issue and I don’t want my story to be in any way discouraging to you.
Going on my own experiences, here are some things that came to my mind when I read your story:
– Maybe your husband is stressed because he wants the first time to be perfect? The longer you wait, the higher the pressure to perform can become. Renting a room for the room especially can add to the pressure as the date looms over your heads. The same goes with waiting until the house is complete.
Overthinking can add a lot of stress to a subject that should be all about having fun! My tip would be to try not to overthink it but to go with the feeling. If it feels right, go for it, even if you are on the kitchen floor that is only half finished. Sex rarely happens as it does in the movies and it is all about the spontaneity of the feeling – no time to overthink.
-Have you guys sat down for a good talk about this? Does he really know how you feel? Being honest about this with each other might be a good way to break the tension and give you some room to breath. Free up an evening, go to a place where you can be alone (even the unfinished house can be good for this), open a bottle of wine and try to be honest without being accusatory. Tell him how it feels for you and that you want to understand how it is for him. Address the pink elephant – if you don’t, you’ll keep dancing around it in circles. Why not let him read this thread? Try to talk about it freely, listen to each other, laugh a bit about the uncomfortable situation if you can. Try to lighten up the subject, give it some air. Act like you are talking to a friend.

I hope you (and your husband) will find some encouragement in the fact that you are not alone in this situation. Remember, the first time is always a bit clumsy but practice makes perfect – and the practice is the fun part! 🙂