Lb,

The notion that others make us feel certain things is true to a point, and gaining detachment is not about removing what makes us human. It has more to do with having a stable understanding of who we are and how the world works.

For example, when we are parents, we do best when we detach from the emotional states of our children. If they ask us for a bowl of sugar for lunch, we know that is not nourishing, and we tell them no. Then they stomp and scream and tell us that they hate us. It has nothing to do with us, and we don’t have to take it in. A kid wants what they want, and if they don’t get it, they might throw a temper tantrum from their attachment. However, if they ask for a toy and we give it to them (with discernment feeling us its a good time for them to get a toy) then they might laugh and cry out that they love us and we are the best parent in the whole world. It has nothing to do with us, it is their happy tantrum. When we don’t make their vacillating about us, we are not affected.

Instead what we can do is have an authentic confidence that we are doing our best to make good decisions. We tell people what we think and feel is best, even if they might not like what we have to say. We do our best to act in accordance with our heart, our wisdom, and become rooted enough that whatever comes back from acting that way will help us become more skillful. So if someone tells us we’re an ass, we can naturally realize that has nothing to do with us, it has to do with them and their perception. We don’t want them to see us as an ass, because it is painful for them and we know we are not, so what can be done? How do we dance more skillfully with them? Is there anything we can do? If yes, we do it. If not, we move on, let go. Trust that as we pay it forward, keep sharing our heart where and when we can, that whatever tangle arose in them will work itself out.

This doesn’t make us inhuman robots, quite the contrary. It gives us an equanimity that allows us to be bright and open no matter what is happening. We still feel empathy, and even more so because we have the space to bring it in. It just looks and feels a lot different, because we never make it about us. “Wow, my child is very vibrantly angry right now, and still they will not eat sugar for lunch. They will get over it in time. Do they need a hug or a timeout? Let’s try something.” Etc.

With warmth,
Matt

Lb,

I like where you’re taking this, and can understand why you wonder about how to balance examining feedback with not taking it personally. This is about knowing yourself. If we’re called an ass, and are secure in knowing our intention was not being callous, the we can say “hmmm, that’s interesting.” People have so many views and differences, its very possible and almost certain that what we try to say will not always be heard. Said differently, if we know our intentions, and accept that translating those across minds through words and actions is a messy and imprecise process, then responses from others is appreciated feedback.

This is not the type of expression I would aim toward someone without empathy. However, that is not your issue. Your friend, for instance, might do well to learn gentle speech, considering the feelings of others, and how ignoring the feedback of those around us lead us to stagnation and isolation. If he asks a question, I’ll answer. See what I mean? The harmony of life is such that when we push and punch our views into others and don’t listen to their “ouches”, we begin to feel greater and greater emotional painfulness. We can trust that someday he’ll start asking questions which lead him home. Until then, we can look at our own footprints.

With warmth,
Matt

You are right that once the damage is done, pain is there. But there is a difference between someone causing you pain and someone abusing the power to cause you pain. And we all experience both. I have plenty of friends who have caused me pain but I keep them around because they haven’t abused it. I also have had my share of friends that I have had to walk away from. I’ve also had to walk away from relationships that were very painful because the other person abused that power. After all, MOST friendships or relationships don’t last a lifetime. Some fade away, some end in fireworks. And that’s okay.

But do I think it was a mistake to give that power over to each of those people who hurt me? Not really, even when it causes pain. Because, like I said, pain and vulnerability also create more beautiful emotions like empathy and compassion. Heartbreak is a near-guarantee for this life. But those painful experiences (which I may still be working through) also let me be there for my friend when her relationship is on the rocks. Or for my (future) kid when he gets dumped for the first time.

So, it’s okay if you give that power to the wrong person once in a while. You just need to maintain enough self-worth to know when to take it back.

I also liked your point about when someone calls you an ass, and well, you just might be. lol. It happens! I think this is where knowing yourself becomes important. When someone says something that I think is mean, but might be true, my first impulse is to get defensive (you might have a different reaction). I’m learning that when I start feeling defensive, I STOP. I breathe, and take a minute to think about it. If I think they might have a point, I tell them that. And this usually breaks the tension and opens up a much better conversation that just calling me an ass. 🙂 No one is perfect and you can learn to accept criticism as a way of improving yourself, without it damaging your self-worth.