November 26, 2018 at 6:50 pm #248705
Short Version: I’ve been in a horrible spot for the last year or so and been finally making attempts to chance everything, yet, I’m still feeling nervous about the change and feel that I’ll fall back into my bad habits.
Long Version: I’ve been living with at home since 2015, when I moved back from a job my Dad got me to a part-time gig I got at a bookstore while working out life, songs and put out my record, get a band and music career going. Unfortunately, the job took over and the live band fizzled out. I started only recording and working, but found it increasingly difficult to maintain a balance between money and music. To make this worse, my Dad was never fond of me working at the bookstore AND making me horribly uncomfortable about my music. There are many moments where he would come into he garage and say don’t sing that song, you’re not hitting the notes, or forget about that you can’t do that or maybe you should just be an audio engineer. He’s in the music business and pushed me to be an engineer, which I hate. I was so stressed out, I couldn’t enjoy playing and canned the band to just focus on writing and working. He also works with kids my age who want to be songwriters/musicians and I feel he supports them more than me. He’s played in their bands and advocated for them to labels, while I’m busting my ass on my own writing, recording, mixing, booking gigs, promoting, editing videos, artwork, and booking mastering… trying to get anyone to work with me with out ripping me off (has happened a billion times) I’m also paying this out of my own pocket while his people are getting investors.
Our the last year, I got my latest batch of tunes mastered before losing steam. They haven’t been released for fear of not being noticed as my own person. The last record people assumed my dad had his fingerprints on it, when in actuality he only helped with some of the vocals and a few parts here and there. This new one, I recorded and engineered everything myself in my house. I’ve been working full-time since March of this year with little to no music in my life.
He doesn’t listen to what I want and always has been trying to dictate my life. Drunkenly, he’s said that he never wants me to worry about anything including a job and who I date, he’s projecting his unresolved issues on me and now that I’m 28, I’ve had enough. He’s disregard to my feelings are intolerable, I’ve recently turned down a project, and the next weekend he asks me again if i want to do it. This was after I told him I never wanted to be an engineer and that he wanted me to be an engineer.
I have some musician/artist friends in NJ (I’m from mid-hudson valley) and they’ve been telling me to move down where the live local music scene is thriving. A few days later I found a job online and landed an interview. They offered me the job, but I can’t move until Christmas is over and we don’t need a full crew at the store.
The issue: I’m kind of nervous that with my past experiences that I’ll burn out and get nothing done. I haven’t written in two years and only played one show all of 2018. I don’t feel like myself, and I need to be happy and look forward to the future. My days off have been spent reading and I can’t bring myself to write or create.November 27, 2018 at 9:24 am #260361
It is a shame that your father supports strangers in their music endeavors but not his son. It doesn’t surprise me though because I have witnessed parents being kind to strangers but not to their own children.
Writing music, singing, creating music and making a living doing that, it is a tough endeavor, tough business.
If I was you, I would separate the two: father and music. He is not helping you. You are on your own. I would move out when it becomes possible and have nothing to do with him for a while, a few years at least. Something about separating from your father will allow you to move on by yourself as an independent person and a self determined musician.
anitaNovember 27, 2018 at 5:37 pm #261515
Hi Antia, Thank you for your kind words and suggestions.
I wished so much he’d just be a Dad. My parents don’t even see that I’m depressed. I thought going to a gastroenterologist and having an endoscopy would get them to see, but they’re clearly not getting it and i guess that’s the way it its.
I’m hoping to move to NJ, but I had to decline the new job and stuck for the month of December because of being short staffed. I should have been more proactive and looking sooner in September or October where I would have more leniency, but I wasn’t. I’m hoping the position remains open once January hits so I can fully relocate. Once this happens, I am paying off my car in full to my parents and cutting financial ties.November 28, 2018 at 6:28 am #262289
Good idea to cut ties.
“My parents don’t even see that I’m depressed. I thought going to a gastroenterologist and having an endoscopy would get them to see, but they’re not getting it“.
No wonder your parents/ your father doesn’t get your music. He doesn’t see (and hear) you, your depression or your music. When a child/ adult child is not seen or heard by parents, it kills the child’s motivation to create/ to be seen and heard, so no wonder you didn’t write music in two years, played only one show and you wrote, “I can’t bring myself to write or create”.
In the context of living with your parents, you are not likely at all to become motivated to create.
It takes motivation and talent and lots of practice, persistent ongoing practice. It will not be easy away from your parents, but quite impossible living with them.
I understand your financial considerations regarding moving. Post again anytime.