Dear John:

For the purpose of a new beginning, a clean slate, you will have to deal with the past; with those “personal inhibitions”- not drown in them, but get to know them just enough so to identify them as they show up in your new beginning and then disengage from them.

There is a difference between endlessly ruminating over inhibitions and detecting when they show up and disengaging from them.

Whatever situations triggered those inhibitions in the past will trigger them in the future regardless of intent. If you’d like to post here about an inhibition, stating it as shortly as you want, circumstances when triggered, we can go from there.

anita

{{Looking back over the years, I now believe that being so focused on academics took its toll.}}

John, that is a clear insight. It rings true. Not that I can say what is for you, but you recognize it yourself and I have seen the same happen to others who lost much of their strength and confidence and connection with their spiritual nature by focusing on academics. Those qualities are not lost, of course. They are just hidden from view, layered over by intellectual academia. They can be re-gained by focusing on other values. I suggest that you reserve uninterrupted time for deeper reflection on what is important to you and such questions as, ‘Who and what are you, really?’

{{What do you feel has been missing from your friendships?: My roommates (3 other guys) from college were a great group with which I could hangout and just be goofy with. Most of my other friendships (people I met in class, extracurriculars, etc.) never really seemed to get past the surface. I’d like to have more people to hang out with. To be honest, I always felt a little different from other kids and never quite felt like “one of the guys”}}

There is nothing ‘wrong’ with being different. Again I cannot speak for you, and am coming from my own experience of being very different from my family and classmates all through school. People who have been labeled ‘too sensitive’, ‘overly focused’ or introverted can learn through a self-test if they actually are among ‘Highly Sensitive People’ – a term coined by Dr. Elaine Aron who wrote “The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You.” About 15 to 20 percent of the population, HSP are hardwired differently – with an inherited trait and sensitive nervous system. Carl Jung originally called the trait “innate sensitiveness”
http://hubpages.com/health/Highly-Sensitive-People-the-gifts-and-challenges-of-this-inherited-trait

{{How would you like your new friendships to look – what would be the characteristics or attributes of the friendships? As I said earlier, in a perfect world, I want to be one of the guys. I want to have friends with which to discuss serious issues, but also relax with, be a little crazy with, go out to lunch/dinner on the weekends, bar-hopping, etc.}}

We could have some discussions about how quality relationships are started and formed. I don’t have experience with bar-hopping. The most significant story from my life is the meeting of my life partner and me. It was through psychic predictions, following intuition, and lots of synchronicity. If you would like to read the story, it is http://hubpages.com/health/Is-Destiny-Real

{{How would you describe a friend? A friend is someone you can talk to about matters both serious and personal, someone you can rely on in a time of need. A friend is also someone you can just share a good laugh with and do fun things together.}}

I have accepted that so long as I am true to myself, I won’t have many casual friends for doing fun things together with. But it is enough to have a wonderful life partner and our Siberian Husky, Aura, for doing fun things. Your needs may be different at this time in your life. I am not the one to advise, as I separated myself from others socially from an early age. For years it was painful, but later in life I came to feel very well with the natural isolation. I have many friendly interactions with people in daily life. One occurred yesterday, when I brought Aura into the patio area of a coffee shop. Aura would not cross the tiled floor and I carried her through the shop. She is a rescue, and seems to have had some bad experience from that past or is confused by the tile patterns. A woman had a Husky with her, and she and my partner and I had a marvelous spontaneous conversation. When we got up to go, she offered her dog, Echo, as a helper to Aura to walk across the tiled floor. He encouraged her and she made it on her own to the cheers of workers and customers. That type of experience enriches life. We may meet the woman and Echo in the park sometime or that may not happen, but the moment is one I will always remember. If this has a point that applies to you, it may be to relax, enjoy the magic of what life offers, be ready to open up to opportunities that present themselves. You will attract people by the energy, the vibes you emanate.

{{How can you be a good friend to someone? I believe I can be a good friend just by reciprocating the things above.}}

Reciprocating is good. Consider to give out first, without expectation of return. Give of yourself, your gifts and qualities. Show interest, caring and compassion (with appropriate boundaries and awareness.) With no expectation, there will be no disappointment. Cultivate compassion. Strengthen your inner core and be true to yourself in all situations.

{{What are your passions and interests to share with friends? I WANT to be into sports. As of right now though, I really do enjoy exploring new places, being outdoors, trying new restaurants.}}

Do you really want to be into sports, or do you want to feel a belonging that you think will come by being into sports? I was never into sports and have never felt it lessened me or my life experience. I have had a rich and rewarding life with many outstanding adventures, without interest in sports. At first, again, there was a feeling of isolation. I pretended interest, but had to stop in order to be true to myself. I attended an Atlanta Braves game with my company, and was so bored I got up and walked out. That kind of thing happened over and over until I realized there was no sense in pretending. I am what I am and am happy with that. That is my experience, not yours. I am not suggesting you give up on sports, but to reflect deeply and honestly about your motives for wanting to be into sports. Above all, be true to yourself.

{{I apologize again for the long rant and the somewhat unorganized post. I just had a lot I needed to get off my chest. I know I am just a recent grad, and I still have many years ahead. But, I want to enjoy these next few years more than I did in the past. I really do look forward to closing this chapter, and opening a new, more satisfying why. As of right now, I just feel very unfulfilled.}}

No need to apologize. Glad you got it off your chest. There is more to share. Tell me, if you want, about your spiritual life or your interest in personal development/emotional mastery.

Best,

Gary

John,

Another story from my life came to mind to share with you.

In elementary school a neighbor boy and I became friends and started doing things together. Then his family moved overseas and we were pen-pals. When he returned, things changed. His interests went to sports and rodeo. I was radically different and spoke against the treatment of horses as objects and possessions. I was always the last to be picked for school sports teams, even though I put my heart into it for awhile (probably to belong.) I was just not naturally attracted to sports or competition.

I was into Buddhism, metaphysics and the occult throughout high school. My former friend was into football, dating, and things cowboy. He had zero interest in the spiritual, and I had zero interest in football, but we had some good talks while camping under the stars. I persuaded him to jump from a plane with me, and we had one parachuting experience together. In the week after h.s. graduation, I drove him to Rocky Mountain National Park. From there he hitch-hiked to California. I got a ride to Maine and traveled the east coast. He went into the Airborne Rangers and was in the presidential honor guard, while I worked with a wildlife photographer and naturalist and protested the Vietnam War. But we somehow kept in contact over the years.

45 years later, we still have contact. We are so unlike each other and seemingly have little in common, yet there is a bond of friendship between us that grows stronger while separated by thousands of miles. We have deep respect and caring for each other. He has turned his interests to meditation and the spiritual, and we both would like to camp again and talk together under the stars – before our 70th birthdays.

I am just saying, sometimes, oftentimes in my experience, life has different ideas than we about how things will emerge. I have learned to let go of my ideas of how anything ‘has to be’ and allow what wants to happen to emerge. That applies to everything in life, including making and having friends. I like the suggestions of the other participant to make small steps to be more extroverted, and add a suggestion to not have expectations or strong ideas of how the results have to look. Does that make sense to you?

Dear John:

Welcome back to your thread. It will be fine with me if you post here on your thread or start a new one, either way. Looking forward to reading from you.

anita