Making similar mistakes expecting different outcomes

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This topic has 17 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 6, 2016 at 10:10 am #101032

Anonymous
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Dear emotionalyze:

I think you projected into this online male friend a lot of your deep anger. I don’t trust your evaluation of him as another bad man. I missed any such evidence. If he was half way decent, even mostly decent, he couldn’t win with you because you are so angry.

Understandably angry for having been neglected and mistreated all these years as a child, and still living with the same people who neglected and mistreated you.

You are holding on to your belief that you were at fault and are at fault in regard to your parents, your mother in particular. And so you hold inside you anger at her, and most often you direct this anger at yourself: I am faulty! I made a mistake! I should know better! I…I..!

And then, when in contact with this last man, you get a break from self directing this anger, and he gets some of it.

So, there is no escape but to give the responsibility of what happens to the right people. I hope you get to a place where you see your mother as the one responsible for your neglect and mistreatment- to this very day. I hope you get to a place where you no longer see yourself responsible for that neglect and mistreatment, and no longer responsible for the consequences you suffer from that neglect and mistreatment.

Only when you do that, can you have a healthy relationship with someone who is decent. Of course there are cruel people in the world (you lived with at least one your whole life), but you can not SEE the decent ones until you get Who-is-Responsible-for-What correctly.

Please take good care of yourself:

anita

April 6, 2016 at 11:01 am #101035
emotionalyze
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Dear Anita,

I can understand why you didn’t think he was a bad man. I’ve never said he was. I said he had flawed morals like a bunch of other people in the world (think of the people who go around on the internet telling others to kill themselves just to “troll” them), but that was talking from the experience I had with him. He could have been a lot worse, but he wasn’t a class act gentleman either. He’d often test my patience and make me uncomfortable. He admitted to lying to me so he could be in control. He never apologized for anything he had done. he said he loved me and that was a lie, as he would later confess. He wanted me to quit school and move in with him, again, to be in control. He admitted he lied about being interested in a serious relationship. He said all he wanted to do was to use me, plain and simple. I know that’s the intention of a lot of guys, but why did he have to parade all of that if it wasn’t to make me feel awful about myself? Why did he have to stoop so low and mock my feelings, just as though he took pride in misleading me and making a fool of me? He was being utterly obnoxious about it. At least he admitted he was lying, which was the only good thing to do at that point, and I’ll give him that. but he still has questionable morals for lying to me to get my attention and wasting my time in the first place.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by emotionalyze.
April 6, 2016 at 11:20 am #101039

emotionalyze
Participant

Also, I really really may have projected some of my anger onto him in a couple of our discussions. I’m really not sure, I feel like I’m not yet qualified to differentiate. I’m speaking from the way I remember I felt in a couple of our fights. I’m not sure if I reacted correctly, but on the other hand I under-reacted many times as well. It all depended on my mental state, I guess.
One of the good things I remember very well feeling as a consequence of this relationship (?) was feeling accepted, feeling enough and not falty, not hopeless. It was a very soothing feeling, like a breath of fresh air. Of course, that would only happen rarely.

April 7, 2016 at 6:41 am #101168

Anonymous
Guest

Dear emotionalyze:

The reason I don’t know anything about him being abusive to you, this guy online is the following: you wrote that he said that he wanted to use you. Maybe you were pushing him, and hard, accusing him of wanting to use you until he said to you in anger: “Yes! yes! I wanted to use you all along. Here, satisfied? You get your way!”

Maybe you accused him again and again of lying to you, and maybe he didn’t lie to you, but he got so sick and tired of being accused that he said: “Yes, I lied to you. I said this and I didn’t mean it. Here , you got your way again. I am a user and a liar!”

I don’t know the conversations, the exchange between you and him, the context in which he said that he wanted to use you and that he lied to you. So I don’t know.

It is my guess that at first, with this online guy, you were sweet and passive and enjoying his every good word. Then the suspicion and anger raised its head and you started throwing accusations at him, testing his statements, looking for lies.

You have lots of hurt in you for having been neglected and mistreated and for still, to this very day, not being seen and acknowledged by your parents, mother particularly. This hurt, unacknowledged by your own self, denied, clouds your thinking, is what I believe.

anita
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