Dear Capricornus:

Before responding to your situation, I have my own story to share with you, a story about the mix of romance and anxiety. I was a very anxious teenager (and child before it as well as the adult afterwards). I had a heavy duty crush on that boy on 11th/ 12 grade in high school. I spent countless of hours per day, fantasizing, day dreaming of a love-story-materialized with him. His name was Robert, honey color straight hair and thick eye glasses, an intellectual. His father was a medical doctor- that impressed me at the time.

So day after day I dreamed. Didn’t talk to him- couldn’t imagine doing that in real life, just looked at him, and in my imagination I was saying and doing all that I …well, couldn’t imagine doing in real life.

I learned that he attends this youth movement (in real life) so I joined it and I was able to see him in the evenings, late in the evenings. The meetings took place half an hour away, walking, from where I lived. The walk from the meetings back were in the dark (not dangerous), under occasional street lights, in the silence.

One night, maybe 9 PM, after a meeting, Robert stood in front of me and asked: “Can I walk you home?”

I don’t remember my physical state when he asked, only my response:

“No.”

What? Come again? Did I say NO?

And I walked home alone, in the dark, under the street lights, wishing and dreaming he was walking with me, hand in hand.

To your situation: if I was you, I would approach him (in real life), as relaxed as you can manage to be and appear, and make it possible for him- if that was his intention- to ask you out or lead to that. I advise you this just as I would advise the teenage me, that night, to say: YES!

anita

Dear Capricornus:

You are welcome. About being overwhelmed- you asked: “what would you say to her?” You mean to the teenage me? What if I talk to you:

Capriconus, I know you are scared. I can help you. Here, take this (small stuffed animal) and hold it, feel it in your hands. It feels soft and nice, doesn’t it? Carry it with you in your purse and every time you get scared, overwhelmed, reach into your purse and touch it, pet it and take a few deep breaths, slowly take air in, slowly take it out. Five times. Do it often, as often as you get overwhelmed.

Never blame yourself for being anxious: you didn’t choose this. Be kind to yourself, like you would to a scared little girl. Always be kind to the little scared girl in you. She needs you to comfort her, be patient with her, give her the safe home she needs so desperately.

Do not attack her, do not criticize her- be understanding and empathetic. She became overwhelmed for a reason- must have been scared and alone for too long with no one to comfort her, no one to help her. Be that person for her now.

When you get anxious, and your thoughts are many, and fast, thinking way too much, take a few deep breaths and focus on the sounds around you, get focused and lost in the sounds. Give your thinking brain a break. Just the sounds. When you find yourself thinking again, go back to the sounds. Do not criticize yourself for having wondered back into thinking and bring yourself, gently, back to listenting to the sounds.

When you do what you do during the day, washing dishes, for example, focus on how the hot water and soap feel on your hands as you wash the dishes. Pay attention to how your feet feel on the floor. Listen to the sound of the water. This is called Mindfulness (moving meditation).

The skill of mindfulness takes time and persistence to develop and it will change your life.

There is hope- with Practice and Time and patience and persistence. No short cuts that work beyond, sometimes, the very short term. Long term, there is only the long way. But with practice, you will experience progress very soon.

anita

You are welcome, Capricornus. Post anytime and I will reply.
anita