Marriage has ended, could use some help

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This topic has 20 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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March 4, 2018 at 9:03 am #195837

Stuart
Participant

Hello All,

This is my first post here, I’ve read a few threads and I’m hoping that speaking here well help me.

My marriage ended 4 months ago and I’ve taken it really hard, I loved and still love my wife but things went from bad to worst after the breakup (this wasn’t the first).

We have been together 5 years and married for 2, she wanted to end it as she was bored and there was no passion between us. I haven’t since learnt I may have co dependacy issues and what is known as nice guy syndrome.

Anyway she had thrown me out at least one a year and I came begging back, but I lost my confidence and myself, I couldn’t get close to her as I was afraid of being thrown out again, so I started to please her and waited for her validation.

When that didn’t happen I got passive aggressive which I didn’t see, it further damaged the relationship.

Now that is over I’m trying to get help, unfortunately I couldn’t break contact which made matters worst.

We have no kids together and I’m finding it hard to move on as I made many mistakes.

Was hoping for some advice.

Regards

Neogame79

March 4, 2018 at 9:17 am #195861

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Stuart:

I would like to understand your situation better, therefore I ask: in what ways were you passive aggressive with your wife and what are the “many mistakes” you mentioned (a few examples, perhaps)?

anita

March 4, 2018 at 9:45 am #195867

Mark
Participant

Neogame79,

You mentioned being

– passive aggressive

– wanting validation

– codependent / nice guy

What sort of advice you want? How to address the above mentioned issues that are sabotaging your marriage?

What steps have you already taken in addressing these yourself? Counseling? Reading on these topics?

Mark

March 4, 2018 at 10:24 am #195877

Stuart
Participant

Hi Anita and Mark.

I tried to move on too quickly, and when on dating sites, I quickly stopped that as I realised it wasn’t right.

I promised to pay for everything but as I was talking to her I got angry after she started calling me delusional. I was asking for forgiveness.

Last I had trouble giving her photos back to her as I felt into depression.

I have started counselling but every day I think of her and how I could of acted differently. I’m 38 and this is my second relationship and my first heart break, I’m finding it difficult moving on.

I just keep making mistakes which I blame myself for.

I’m new to this feeling and I’m lost, she was my life and carrying on without her is hard

Regards

Stuart

March 4, 2018 at 10:32 am #195879

Stuart
Participant

Sorry Anita,

I became withdrawn and I couldn’t approach her

I couldn’t get close to her as I feared bring thrown out again.

I raised her children and focus on then and not our relationship.

Her validation meant I could get intimate with her, I couldn’t talk her what I wanted or needed.

I avoided confrontation.

Basically, I’m afraid of moving on as if I have these issues I need to fix them before finding anyone else, if there’s anyone else in my future.

Regards

Stuart

March 4, 2018 at 1:45 pm #195887

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Stuart:

We all make mistakes. We all do, every single day.

You expressed in your original post that you were afraid in the relationship with her, afraid that she will throw you out again as she did that several times. It is impossible to have a healthy, loving relationship when afraid of your partner.

When you “became withdrawn and ..couldn’t approach her”, that was not a mistake, it was a natural behavior of someone who is afraid. Nobody tends to open up and approach perceived danger.

I hope your counseling is of quality, that you will learn there and figure out how to increase your chances of a healthy, loving relationship in the future. Do post here anytime with your thoughts and feelings. And I do hope you feel better soon.

anita

March 4, 2018 at 7:40 pm #195901

CBD
Participant

Dear Stuart,

First of all I wish you would be a bit more gentle with yourself. I have been where you are. You appear to be taking far too much, if not all, of the blame for the relationship not succeeding. No on person is fully to blame in a failed relationship. (There are exceptions of abuse etc., but that’s not what you’re describing here). I made mistakes in my relationship and although she said she forgave me it never felt that way. I tried to make it work, but I couldn’t, no matter what I did.

You indicate you may be co-dependent and have nice guy syndrome, that you keep making mistakes and blaming yourself, that my friend can be a vicious cycle. What I hope for you to do is focus on you. Get help with your co-dependency and if the nice guy syndrome is a problem get help with that as well.

I have found it is very difficult to be in a relationship if you aren’t happy/comfortable with yourself, so I hope you work on that first. You are more important than anything else…be good to you. You cannot hope for a better past (we’ll, you can, but that never works), but you can work to create a better future!

March 4, 2018 at 11:03 pm #195931

Stuart
Participant

Thank you all for your kind words.

I’m trying to focus on me, but this is the first time in my life that I’m living alone, which I’m finding very hard.

I have children of my own that help breakup my weekends, but at the moment I don’t want to go out.

The counselling is good, I’m making progress and it really does help hearing of other peoples stories on how they got thru similar experiences.

Thank you for the replies.

Stuart

March 5, 2018 at 2:37 am #195937

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Stuart:

You are welcome. In your original post you mentioned codependency and the nice guy syndrome. Would you like to explain what each term means to you, what of your behaviors are in each term?

anita

March 5, 2018 at 4:42 am #195953

Stuart
Participant

Hi Anita,

I’ve been researching alot on both topics, they are the same in a few areas.

Co dependency to me is where the relationship is one sided, the co dependant partner relys on the other for emotion sopport and validation, they are only happy if their partner is. The co dependant cant made decisions and support themselves, in the relationship they please and do more than their fair share.

Nice guy is a person who tries to be nice but can’t voice their needs and wants, they use covert contacts being nice to get what they want, when they dont get what they want, they become passive aggressive.

Both are unable to confront people and stand up for themselves.

Like others have said I blame myself alot.

I’ll relate my behaviour to these a little later.

Regards

Stuart

March 5, 2018 at 6:48 am #195963

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Stuart:

In your relationship then, you paid attention closely to how she felt. When she seemed unhappy, you were distressed and tried to make her feel better. On the other hand, she didn’t pay much attention to how you felt, didn’t mind it when you were unhappy and didn’t try to make you feel better?

Again: she never tried to make you feel better, or did she, sometimes?

In your relationship you didn’t voice your needs and wants directly… never or did you, sometimes? Did she voice her needs and wants directly? If she did, how did she (can you give an example)?

– I ask these questions because your answers may help me understand better and … maybe they will help you understand better as well.

anita

March 5, 2018 at 8:12 am #195967

Stuart
Participant

Hi Anita,

I did at first, half way through our relationship she felt into depression. Everytime I went to comfort her she would tell me to leave her alone, some times she would growl “I’ve just got to sleep” as I walked in. So I learnt to leave her be, but then she would get angry about that so I tried again with the same results. Alot of the time when she was down I tried to keep the kids quiet or take them out so she could sleep. Eventually I convince her to get help but unfortunately I had learnt when she was down to give her room, sometimes I would bring flowers but I would listen and offer help.

She did voice her needs alot directly which I did my best to sort out, I sometimes did but not directly and sometimes not in the best ways (exploding on her after bottling up).

I wanted to get close to her intimately but I couldn’t tell her.

I couldn’t confront her with the issues I was having as I but myself last and her with her childrens needs first, I thought that was the way to be a good supportive husband.

Regards

Stuart

March 5, 2018 at 8:17 am #195969

Stuart
Participant

Sorry.

She would tell me directly, shout sometimes and others it was frustration that she would tell me.

I just thought if I was looking after them I was doing my bit, I guess I never applied compassion as alot of the time I wanted to hug her.

I feared my needs would drive her anger and thus throw me out, unfortunately I’m a sensitive type and I always walked out with a tear that I had failed.

March 5, 2018 at 8:21 am #195971

Stuart
Participant

The only time I can remember that she comforted me was at the beginning when I had to go for surgery to remove another tumour.

Apart from that she was focussed on the kids.

I tried to stay positive as she had a thing about getting rid of negative people in her life, guess I became one of them.

March 5, 2018 at 8:37 am #195973

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Stuart:

Another tumor? Are you ill or were you ill?

You wrote that you sometimes exploded at her (“exploding on her after bottling up”)- what did you say and do when you exploded at her?

anita
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