You are a man with this story and I am a woman with a little modified story. Here goes what I have been going through. My religion doesn’t allow sex before marriage too. I married my husband without even knowing him. He turns out to be the biggest swine on earth– liar, an unfaithful husband, a womanizer(a man who sleeps with my maid). He has a temper to add to all this. I can never pray for Him from my heart: my expectations were sky rocketing before and now after trying to take my life thrice, I have come to the conclusion that his caring for my three children is useless. He will never change. All I should do is to be on forums like these and enjoy my life. Ofcourse I wouldn’t want to get into a relation with any other man cause all men are senseless. They only know how to hurt a woman especially their wife.

Dear Befittingly Disgusted: I would like to read more from you, perhaps you can start a thread? If you do I would like to communicate with you there (click FORUMS, choose a CATEGORY, click chosen category, scroll down the page).

Dear Lukas:

you wrote that your wife said you are such a “dreep”- what is a dreep, I am not familiar with it being a word?

How is she commanding you, can you give examples?

Also, as far as communication goes, is she making any efforts, or has she made efforts to improve communication between the two of you, start conversations, ask for your thoughts, your feelings about things? Have you made such efforts, and if so, what were the results?

anita

Dear Lukas:

Clearly, it was the wrong choice for you to marry her. It is clear to you, you repeatedly indicated that. You suggested that you married her because of fear and guilt, not good reasons. Now you are married, have a child,  and you are holding on to beliefs that deny divorce.

There are a few possible solutions to your problem, none of them is easy because none will feel good, at least not for a long time:

1) Separate/ get a divorce.

2) Have an emotional/ physical relationship with your co-worker, stay married and/ or get a divorce.

3) Work on fixing this relationship.

Which one are you considering?

anita

Dear Lukas:

You are determined then to stay in the marriage, to not cheat, to be accepted by your society, to follow your religious principles and you care a lot about your daughter. For those purposes, take care of yourself best you can- do not force yourself at all to socialize with your wife’s friends, do not force yourself to spend time in crowds, take your time alone. Your wife should respect that. Insist that she does, let her know you will nor and cannot change this about yourself, liking to be alone.

Regarding the passion you feel for the other woman and not to your wife: you can’t force feelings either way, can’t make yourself stop feeling a desire for one woman and start feeling it for another. Accept that you feel what you feel and that you will not act on those feelings: that you will not cheat, on one hand, and that you will not try to force yourself to feel other than you feel. Don’t judge yourself either way for the way you feel.

What we feel as human beings does not make us good or bad people. Feelings are automatic mental events, we don’t choose them. What we don’t choose doesn’t indicate character. What you do indicates character.

Regarding your joy, happiness (about the other woman, I suppose), and sadness, channeling it- I suppose if you are a painter you can paint a picture with vivid colors, or if you are a poet, you can challenge these feelings into a poem. Or a musician, you can play an instrument… of you can just sing along a happy or sad song you hear.

anita