I’m a 29 year old virgin, soon to be 30. I’ve never been in a relationship. For most of my school days, I’ve not had the maturity to see girls as a potential partner. I’ve had crushes, but I’ve not had the motivation to go further than that. From there on, during my higher studies, my work and wherever I went, girls were few, or were far older or far younger. The few who were in my age group were already married or were in a relationship. Even fewer were not looking (as they were conservative and wanted only arranged marriage) and I wasn’t attracted to many in the first place. Also all through my youth, I’ve had the thought imposed on me by the more conservative “elders” that “I shouldn’t go disturb girls,” “Flirting is cheap,” “Now is not the time to look for girls, you need to settle well in life first,” “A real gentleman doesn’t go after girls,” so on. Adding to this, my female friends have often said to me how “this guy tried to flirt with me” or “that pathetic guy is coming after me all the time.” In some cases, those guys were really behaving in a creepy manner, while in other instances, some of my female friends were misunderstanding out of fear and concern. Nonetheless I didn’t want to be “creepy” or “being misunderstood” and was always conscious about earning a good name and respected by all. I’ve always waited patiently that my time would come and the right girl will come eventually. So far hasn’t happened…

Now as I grow older, I come across more and more people who say that I should have found a gf earlier in life. Most people (both from conservative backgrounds and more open types) are married or in relationships now. Every person I meet is surprised to know that I’ve never been in a relationship and I doubt some even look down upon me because of that. Even friends make fun of me occasionally that I haven’t experienced anything in life yet and I’m missing out on my youth. Even my friends who appeared conservative in the past, now start to reveal how they’ve had flings, one night stands and secret relationships. The very people seeing whom I took comfort knowing I’m not alone. Now I truly feel alone. Even my parents ask me why I haven’t found a gf yet. When I say I thought they were not approving of it, they say parents would never openly welcome their kids going after girls, but they never stopped me from trying to get a gf. It’s like the perspective of the entire world has changed suddenly and worrying about them and trying to gain their approval, I’ve missed out on life.

Even a cousin, a friend or two asked me if I was going to get married anytime soon. When I said I don’t intend to get an arranged marriage, as I’m of the opinion that marriage should only be as a celebration of love and I shouldn’t get married just for the sake of it, for I can’t truly fulfill the duties of a husband, a father in the future, if I’m not in love. For this they say, it’s too late to fall in love and that I should have started trying that in college or in my early twenties. This makes me really sad. Its like I’ve kept waiting saying my time will come eventually and suddenly everyone is saying your time is already up and you’ve missed it.

There have been numerous instances where I’ve had sexual urges, but I’ve controlled it. There have also been opportunities where I could have had sex. I’ve tormented myself keeping repressed, both romantically and sexually due to my conditioning by the conservative society that I’m from. But suddenly that conservative society seems to have changed into an open minded one. And this only hurts me more. To make matters worse, I start to see more and more people from the younger generation in my city and in my culture, being more open about love, sex, relationships and even parents and elders being encouraging of it. And it makes me tearful thinking why wasn’t I supported like that before in my own youth. Some friends say it is not too late anymore, go out and enjoy life. A couple friends even encourage going to a hooker to satisfy myself till I find a long term wife (even now they don’t believe I can have a gf or it is too late). But I can never go that way, cos I’m still a hopeless romantic on the inside. Every time when I contemplate becoming more open at least sexually, if not for love, a voice inside me still says, “please wait! You’ve suffered alone all this while. Suffer a bit more. The right one will come along eventually. Don’t lose everything now…Keep yourself for her, just for her…”

While that appears all romantic, there is also the thought in me that I should also find someone who is just like that. I tried talking to people, trying to be more open toward people who have had a “past,” but I simply can’t be ok with it. I want a girl who hasn’t been touched by another man, who hasn’t jumped from person to person, who hasn’t gotten drunk and slept around or had multiple bfs or divorces in the past. While in India (where I’m from), still a lot of girls remain virgin even in their mid-twenties, these are people preparing themselves for an arranged marriage. The romantic ones have already fallen in love, succeeded and gotten married or failed and tried to get in more relationships. Then there are a few who have fallen in love and failed to get married, and these lot have become too cautious or too broken on the inside.  So the probability for me to find someone just like me is very little and as I get older and older, the chances dwindle even more. And this creates in me a great anxiety. Some people advise, “well you’ve waited too long, now you have to settle for people who have had a past and that true love doesn’t see these things.” Well that is true…but I guess I will never have the capacity for true love, for I can adjust or adapt with many things, but not with the fact that they’ve been in love with someone else or had been in relationships. I know its not their fault. I don’t judge them to be bad. Life does take people in different courses and everyone gets better with experiences in life. I shouldn’t judge or look down upon them. I respect them all anyway. I’m not intimidated either. But I feel like I will never feel them to be “mine” while I will be entirely “hers.” It’s just that I want a girl, just for me, as I’ve kept myself just for her. Whatever I do, I can’t get over this…and now I’m heart broken and lonely…I’m kind of getting ripped between my romanticism, my unrealistic expectations, my repressed feelings and desires, my ideal view of life (which can be an illusion) and what not. Life truly is tough…I wish I can redo my life. Go back to my youth. Start all over. Get rid of all the conservative thoughts imposed on to me and be free, and more open minded. But that is not how life works. Guess I’m meant to suffer forever. And when I say all these things to people in real life, people say I’m obnoxious, nit-picking, too dreamy and am judgemental. I’m trying my best, but it just makes me cry…I hope at least one of the readers here can understand my agony.