Home→Forums→Relationships→Meant to be alone forever…
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May 6, 2018 at 12:28 pm #205821A. PrashanthParticipant
I’m a 29 year old virgin, soon to be 30. I’ve never been in a relationship. For most of my school days, I’ve not had the maturity to see girls as a potential partner. I’ve had crushes, but I’ve not had the motivation to go further than that. From there on, during my higher studies, my work and wherever I went, girls were few, or were far older or far younger. The few who were in my age group were already married or were in a relationship. Even fewer were not looking (as they were conservative and wanted only arranged marriage) and I wasn’t attracted to many in the first place. Also all through my youth, I’ve had the thought imposed on me by the more conservative “elders” that “I shouldn’t go disturb girls,” “Flirting is cheap,” “Now is not the time to look for girls, you need to settle well in life first,” “A real gentleman doesn’t go after girls,” so on. Adding to this, my female friends have often said to me how “this guy tried to flirt with me” or “that pathetic guy is coming after me all the time.” In some cases, those guys were really behaving in a creepy manner, while in other instances, some of my female friends were misunderstanding out of fear and concern. Nonetheless I didn’t want to be “creepy” or “being misunderstood” and was always conscious about earning a good name and respected by all. I’ve always waited patiently that my time would come and the right girl will come eventually. So far hasn’t happened…
Now as I grow older, I come across more and more people who say that I should have found a gf earlier in life. Most people (both from conservative backgrounds and more open types) are married or in relationships now. Every person I meet is surprised to know that I’ve never been in a relationship and I doubt some even look down upon me because of that. Even friends make fun of me occasionally that I haven’t experienced anything in life yet and I’m missing out on my youth. Even my friends who appeared conservative in the past, now start to reveal how they’ve had flings, one night stands and secret relationships. The very people seeing whom I took comfort knowing I’m not alone. Now I truly feel alone. Even my parents ask me why I haven’t found a gf yet. When I say I thought they were not approving of it, they say parents would never openly welcome their kids going after girls, but they never stopped me from trying to get a gf. It’s like the perspective of the entire world has changed suddenly and worrying about them and trying to gain their approval, I’ve missed out on life.
Even a cousin, a friend or two asked me if I was going to get married anytime soon. When I said I don’t intend to get an arranged marriage, as I’m of the opinion that marriage should only be as a celebration of love and I shouldn’t get married just for the sake of it, for I can’t truly fulfill the duties of a husband, a father in the future, if I’m not in love. For this they say, it’s too late to fall in love and that I should have started trying that in college or in my early twenties. This makes me really sad. Its like I’ve kept waiting saying my time will come eventually and suddenly everyone is saying your time is already up and you’ve missed it.
There have been numerous instances where I’ve had sexual urges, but I’ve controlled it. There have also been opportunities where I could have had sex. I’ve tormented myself keeping repressed, both romantically and sexually due to my conditioning by the conservative society that I’m from. But suddenly that conservative society seems to have changed into an open minded one. And this only hurts me more. To make matters worse, I start to see more and more people from the younger generation in my city and in my culture, being more open about love, sex, relationships and even parents and elders being encouraging of it. And it makes me tearful thinking why wasn’t I supported like that before in my own youth. Some friends say it is not too late anymore, go out and enjoy life. A couple friends even encourage going to a hooker to satisfy myself till I find a long term wife (even now they don’t believe I can have a gf or it is too late). But I can never go that way, cos I’m still a hopeless romantic on the inside. Every time when I contemplate becoming more open at least sexually, if not for love, a voice inside me still says, “please wait! You’ve suffered alone all this while. Suffer a bit more. The right one will come along eventually. Don’t lose everything now…Keep yourself for her, just for her…”
While that appears all romantic, there is also the thought in me that I should also find someone who is just like that. I tried talking to people, trying to be more open toward people who have had a “past,” but I simply can’t be ok with it. I want a girl who hasn’t been touched by another man, who hasn’t jumped from person to person, who hasn’t gotten drunk and slept around or had multiple bfs or divorces in the past. While in India (where I’m from), still a lot of girls remain virgin even in their mid-twenties, these are people preparing themselves for an arranged marriage. The romantic ones have already fallen in love, succeeded and gotten married or failed and tried to get in more relationships. Then there are a few who have fallen in love and failed to get married, and these lot have become too cautious or too broken on the inside. So the probability for me to find someone just like me is very little and as I get older and older, the chances dwindle even more. And this creates in me a great anxiety. Some people advise, “well you’ve waited too long, now you have to settle for people who have had a past and that true love doesn’t see these things.” Well that is true…but I guess I will never have the capacity for true love, for I can adjust or adapt with many things, but not with the fact that they’ve been in love with someone else or had been in relationships. I know its not their fault. I don’t judge them to be bad. Life does take people in different courses and everyone gets better with experiences in life. I shouldn’t judge or look down upon them. I respect them all anyway. I’m not intimidated either. But I feel like I will never feel them to be “mine” while I will be entirely “hers.” It’s just that I want a girl, just for me, as I’ve kept myself just for her. Whatever I do, I can’t get over this…and now I’m heart broken and lonely…I’m kind of getting ripped between my romanticism, my unrealistic expectations, my repressed feelings and desires, my ideal view of life (which can be an illusion) and what not. Life truly is tough…I wish I can redo my life. Go back to my youth. Start all over. Get rid of all the conservative thoughts imposed on to me and be free, and more open minded. But that is not how life works. Guess I’m meant to suffer forever. And when I say all these things to people in real life, people say I’m obnoxious, nit-picking, too dreamy and am judgemental. I’m trying my best, but it just makes me cry…I hope at least one of the readers here can understand my agony.
May 6, 2018 at 12:41 pm #205823A. PrashanthParticipantAnd the passing of each day brings in more agony, for I know people would not be as excited for me even if I find someone now, as they would have been in my mid twenties. I had a friend who got married when he was 24 and his gf was 22 and people were all excited for them, talking about them all the time and wishing them well. Then there was this senior from my college, who got married when he was 35 and people were like “meh…about time…well, at least it’s happening now…” And I’m also uneasy with the fact that all my friends, college mates and colleagues (younger and older) are getting married and progressing further in their own relationships. I know everyone gets disillusioned a few years into their marriage and I already see many of them lamenting that love and relationships are overhyped and in turn I will know. This bums me out even more. When they were first into relationships and marriage, they were all excited and so were we for them. But now they are all discouraging me even before my time comes. I want that initial excitement from not just me, but from everyone around. I cannot explain it, but excitement from them can also make things beautiful for you. And I’m sick of not only being left behind by people my age, but also my juniors (even juniors by 5-6 years) in different workplaces of mine. Being overtaken by them all in different stages of life. I remember seeing my seniors in college and yearning to be like them. Then it was people my own age. Now I’m seeing people junior to me living the life that I want. And all of them will dampen my mood if at all my time comes. It’s like you are starving and waiting for food, and people in front of u, alongside you and behind you get that food before you and claim it is good when they eat it and then say its not as appealing anymore before it comes to my plate. It’s like they are ruining my appetite. Nowadays seeing anything romantic makes me sad and jealous. I’ve stopped seeing movies, reading comics, all those teen love series and books, hearing songs about love, and this avoidance of entertainment also adds to my depression. These might all seem petty from the outside, but every single thing hurts on the inside when we experience it ourselves.
May 6, 2018 at 5:19 pm #205865CloudwalkParticipantHi, I’m sorry you are feeling so bad about everything. I understand how frustrating it must be that the conservative world that encouraged you to avoid experiences now seems to have changed their tune. This is life. Everything is constantly changing. We are not the same from one day to the next, nothing is. From reading your message it’s clear that you followed what others advised, which is natural enough and I can see the why you did what you did. And it is done. But I also read that you want to continue on like this, you choose to. Even the title of your message states this. This does not have to be so. You choose everything. If you want love you will find it. You only need to be open to it. But you are already putting barriers up, saying the woman must be inexperienced, and no women are because of this or that. Take a breath. How you have lived so far is fine. It is neither right, nor wrong. If you truly want love be open to it. She may be a divorcee but will you care when you are in love? Try not to be so prescriptive and in control of absolutely everything. All is certainly not lost and we can achieve whatever we wish, it just may not come in the form we expect. Be open to this. Sending love and blessings.
May 7, 2018 at 7:26 am #205943AnonymousGuestDear Prashanth:
I hope you aim at caring a bit less about what other people think about you. Many of them make the wrong choices for themselves, many don’t know what to do in their own lives. Better not look up to them as if they are authority over what you should do, when you should have done what and whether it is too late for you to do what, now.
It has not served you well so far, to care so much about what others think.
You feel very strongly about meeting and marrying a woman with no relationship past and you wrote that women who do not have such a past are those waiting for arranged marriages. And that you are not interested in arranged marriages.
Isn’t it though a possibility for a man to be arranged to be married with a woman he genuinely likes? I wonder if you can have your parents arrange for you to meet a woman who has no relationship past, and then, if the two of you like each other, then proceed toward a marriage.
anita
May 7, 2018 at 10:21 pm #206049A. PrashanthParticipantThanks to both of you for your replies.
@Anita- Isn’t it though a possibility for a man to be arranged to be married with a woman he genuinely likes
Well I don’t like the thought about meeting a girl just because the parents have arranged it. We might talk and like each other there on, but would that girl have talked to me, been attracted to me and would we have clicked, had we met on our own in some place? The honest answer is probably not. That girl would probably talk to me just because her parents wanted her to or my own parents hyped me up or said good things about me. And I find something innately wrong with the whole system of arranged marriages in Indian culture. Most arranged marriages occur after seeing horoscopes (silly right?), parents discussing the financial capabilities of both families, future plans, so on. It is more like buying sheep in a market. The parents are checking the fatness and the milk producing capabilities of the cattle they are buying for one another. Or at least that’s what I feel. And people who are conditioned for arranged marriages are perfectly fine with it, even the girl and the guy. They spend most of their life trying to make themselves seem fattened enough for the market (like getting multiple degrees, earning well, buying a house, getting citizenship in some far off country, so on). Love is the last criteria seen. That is wrong or at least seems wrong for me. It feels like I didn’t earn the love of the girl. I am buying or being bought or auctioned is what arranged marriage seems like. And the joy of finding your partner on your own or your life bringing them to you, through work, or during travel is rather special. To be able to get to know a girl, without the interference of the parents, to learn about each other is a liberty not many are given over here. In an arranged marriage the couples are not allowed to interact much before engagement and they are given several months to get to know each other after engagement. I don’t feel free enough to know someone after engagement which is itself like a lock. There is significant pressure on you to not break an engagement and what if you get to know someone and not like them after engagement? And if you are engaged and break the engagement more than twice, people perceive that there is something wrong with you and even see u as unreliable. Casual courtship is not that prevalent over here. People have themselves have gotten separated into two sections. One section is too conservative and another is too liberal. I’m right in the center. And what joy it is to find a girl on your own, earn her love, and bring her to your parents, only to find them liking her more and appreciate you that you have made the right decision. That is something I dream of every day. Love can be complicated, but the process of finding love being this complicated is hellish.
May 8, 2018 at 3:41 am #206075AnonymousGuestDear Prashanth:
I understand your objection to the arranged marriage practice.
And I understand your desire “to find a girl on your own, earn her love, and bring her to your parents… through work, or during travel.. To be able to get to know a girl, without interference of parents, to learn about each other”.
I understand that would be your preference. Problem is you are interested in a woman with no relationship history- this is very important to you, so how can you meet a woman with no such history, I ask myself. It didn’t happen so far and you are soon to be 30. How is it going to happen?
You wrote that women with no such history are interested in arranged marriages, so I figure there it is where you can find a woman with no history.
You wrote that an arranged marriage is “more like buying sheep in a market”. Taking your analogy, what if the two sheep in one particular arrangement only appear like two sheep to the families, to society but not to themselves and to each other?
Because reality is what it is, maybe there is a way to work with it. You can’t change it, so maybe make it work for you.
I don’t know if it is possible, especially reading what you wrote here: “There is significant pressure on you to not break an engagement and what if you get to know someone and not like them after engagement?”- don’t have an answer to that.
What is not working for you though is waiting. Got to find a way to look for the woman you want, to effectively look for her. Look for her in a place where it is likely enough to find a woman with no relationship history.
anita
May 10, 2018 at 7:14 am #206579AlicyaParticipantPeople in our culture often have more freedom to go out and meet a person and ‘fall in love’ but often it is just hormones at work, and when that phase is over after a while as it usually will be, they find that they don’t even like the other person, or that they are so different in ways of thinking and what they want in life, that they end up separating and even divorcing later if they have married. Arranged marriages can be awful or they can be wonderful depending on a lot of things. If both sets of parents are looking for someone for their child who will be emotionally suitable for them they can often be a better judge of who might be good for them then they would choose for themselves. But if they are picking a mate for selfish reasons, to enhance their own lives, then it’s just good or bad luck if you end up happy. An alternative way might be to talk on the Internet with someone for a long time to get to know each other very well, perhaps with the help of an introduction from a friend or matchmaker, before you meet in person. Then you could meet with a chaperone until you decide to take things further. There must be someone out there who is the female equivalent of you, who missed their chance in younger days to be wed or have a relationship, for whatever reason. Perhaps they dedicated themselves to caring for a sick relative, or a career for example, or they were really shy. Must be someone out there like that.
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