Thanks to the both of you for your touching replies – they made me cry because I never realised that other people out there could understand how I feel as both of you seem to have. I couldn’t take it anymore today and I contacted him on facebook. I made things even worse by looking up old messages – comparing how things used to be – how he used to talk to me when things were good – not just to how he talked to me today, but to how he’s talked to me ever since the first break up.

He is still, in my opinion, a beautiful person – but I have realised something today that I have never seen before. He tried to get back to where we were – and I believe that. But in looking up to him the way I always have, I never realised that he was incapable of letting himself feel that way again. I myself, put myself through turmoil – trying to analyse myself, and give everything and anything to have us back (perhaps a little much in retrospect and as discussed above since I lost myself in doing so). Even though he was trying – as much as he knew how – the first break up blocked something in him and he never pushed himself far enough to get over it. I used to see this – and he always used to say he shouldn’t have to push himself that much, and then I’d feel guilty for expecting too much. However, for the first time, I feel like the stronger one – because I managed to let myself feel to an extent that after the first break up he was always scared of. I don’t blame him – and I’ve finally stopped blaming myself. I cried for the past two hours straight – but it felt different – for the first time, it felt like I was crying over the loss of what there was in the beginning – finally accepting that it’s gone and why it didn’t come back – despite all the effort.

What we had was beautiful nonetheless – and the fact we’ve both grown into better people is, in my opinion, incredible. However, for the first time – ever – I feel I can let go. Random Writes – perhaps there is a similar reason you let yourself put so much happiness in someone else’s hands – because you were giving them your heart in a way they were incapable of doing too. Matt, I have been trying to work on myself – but now, finally, I feel I can as you said ‘care’ for myself because I’m starting to let go of the guilt of not making it work.

I do apologise if all this seemed a bit sporadic or random – I was truly touched by your feedback, and once I feel I got through another obstacle (perhaps the biggest one which I kept trying to avoid dealing with), I wanted to share it with you. I’m quite sure the pain is not over yet – and there is grieving left to be done – but that’s ok. Random Writes – congratulations – 2 days of not crying is an accomplishment – one I hope to manage to achieve myself!

Thank you both.

I’m back here again. Since my last post, I had decided to try and stop contact from my side – I figured he wouldn’t talk to me. Alas, he did – and although I started off trying to be cold enough to make him back off, he didn’t and we’ve spent the past 3 days talking all the time again. In the meantime, I’ve been going to therapy just to help me find myself again – and the therapist kept insisting that the only way forward is if I ask my ex to come to a session. As reluctant as I was, I invited him anyway and he accepted immediately. He doesn’t believe in therapy but he was eager to come to help me – he even left work early (which is a huge deal for him) and wanted to pay for the session.

When the therapist asked him if he ever wants us to get back together – he said no. However, I knew he would, as he had said so before. The session went well enough. After the session we talked and he did say that he doesn’t not want to get back together, but he doesn’t know how it can work out. He said the reason that he doesn’t not want to get back together is that since we had something good, there’s no point in being with someone else who he doesn’t know if he can be good with. This is not enough for me. I asked him to consider going back to the therapist (who said that the only way we can move forward is with a bit of help – and I do agree, because as it is, we haven’t managed to get very far). He said no, and now he said he’ll think about it. The problem is, that I know that if he says yes, I still don’t believe it will help. If he accepts, his guard will be so high (as he insists that he doesn’t believe therapy will help – and that he feels a therapist will only be someone trying to convince him of doing something) that it won’t lead anywhere.

We both grew and changed during the relationship (as said before), and I might have as many issues to sort out as him. But I’m trying to face them, accept them and sort them out. He is not – he believes that since he’s happy alone (in that he does not need a relationship to be happy), he’s just right as he is – that there are no actual problems he needs to face. My biggest problem – and I feel I’m back at rock bottom because I ruined all the progress I had made with myself is that I can’t stop wanting it to work out in some magical way – even though I see that it can’t. Although I can control myself enough to not contact him for example, I never manage to not reply when he contacts me. If he decides that he definitely does not want to be with me – it will hurt like hell all over again, but I know I will eventually let go. The problem is that if he doesn’t decide that, I won’t manage to let go. Which doesn’t make sense, because I can see that it won’t work, and that my best option is to completely let go. I’ve never felt so unable to control something about myself – and I feel stuck.