January 9, 2019 at 12:43 pm #273479
I’ve always had a suspicion that my mom doesn’t like my fiancé, but she never really told me out right. Recently, we stayed at her place for a week and she kept trying to push his buttons on political topics (they have very opposing views) even though I had told them twice to stop talking politics or at least agree to disagree (my fiancé didn’t start the conversations but did respond when she kept pushing him). Eventually, over lunch, my mom lost it when my fiancé said something (I admit he shouldn’t have said, but often he thinks without speaking, and it can sometimes come across as rude). She called him ungrateful, that he thinks he’s “so great”, that nothing is ever good enough… It was awful, I burst into tears.
A little back story: my parents are divorced and it was a very painful divorce. My dad has alcoholic tendencies, a personality disorder, really dragged out the divorce proceedings, and was emotionally abusive towards my mom. She is now doing well for herself, they don’t keep in contact and I’m more or less estranged from him.
I get the feeling that my mom is projecting her past trauma on to me and my fiancé. Although I think he needs to work on having more tact and being less brutal at times, my mom totally over-reacted and in the end, wasn’t even hearing what he was saying, which was an apology. I spoke to her today on the phone, and I can still sense the “hatred” towards my fiancé, she keeps making these implied statements about “people who do this…” and “people who think that…” referring to him. I feel like she’s disappointed in me for picking someone who in her view is rude and has the political views he has. It makes me so incredibly sad.
I feel devastaed and overwhelmed with this situation. Does anyone have any advice? Is there something I’m not seeing? I’m very happy otherwise in my relationship and life in general.January 9, 2019 at 2:23 pm #273519
Dear Allison Jade:
Following reading your first and second paragraph I thought to myself that your mother was talking to her ex husband (and/or someone else) when she was talking to your fiancé, as if losing her mind and speaking to someone else.
Then I read your third paragraph and I agree with your understanding of what happened: “my mom is projecting her past trauma on to me and my fiancé”.
“She called him ungrateful”- reads like she was talking to someone she had a relationship for years, someone ungrateful for years of care, and I don’t think she did that much for your fiancé, did she?
“that he thinks he’s ‘so great'”- based on what?
“nothing is ever good enough”- ever indicates, again, someone she has known for a long, long time.
Yes, it seems like an inaccurate projection on her part.
Daughters care what their mothers think. Problem is you may lose a good man trying to accommodate your mother, finding yourself alone with a mother who is still unhappy.
My advice: do not ask your fiancé to accommodate your mother, to apologize to her etc. It is okay that he wasn’t perfectly polite with her- he was in a difficult situation.
Don’t visit her with him. Ask her to not talk to you about him. If she refuses, don’t visit her yourself.
In other words, don’t let your mother mess up your life. It will not make her happy if you let her destroy your relationship, and you will be angry with her, regretful and miserable. No one wins, everyone loses.
January 10, 2019 at 6:27 am #273619
- This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by anita.
Hi Allison Jade,
Your mom might simply be afraid of losing you on some level. It makes it worse is that you would “leave” her for someone who is seemingly her opposite. I have a feeling that even if they had the same political views she would find something else that’s wrong with him.
Make a decision to see her no more than once a year. Tell her you will not talk about politics, religion, or any thing of that ilk. Have your fiancé be amazingly neutral. And if she pulls this stunt again, no longer subject him to her.