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Moving in or not yet?

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  • March 5, 2020 at 10:39 am #341696
    Quirine
    Participant

    Hallo to everyone in here!

    I have written in the past when I was struggling to find (self) love and a partner. The last 1,5 years I have been in an amazing relationship- I have never been happier, more balanced or more loved. I am very proud to be in this relationship and things are moving the way I ve been wanting to. We are on the same page and there is a great click.

    What worries me a bit is that from time to time I feel that if we move in I might lose my individuality to a certain extent. Feeling so independent and self confident (all coming from the relationship) I am worried we may end up dependent on each other at levels we dont see right now. Also being in a lesbian relationship it makes it easier to be considered a duo rather than two individuals- some examples are: using the same clothing (we have the same size), same friends as there is no such thing as ‘my male crew or your female group’ and of course interests / activities that come from our Queer selves.

    Recently we had this discussion about moving in and even though we always have great time when spending multiple days together, caring for each other and enjoying house chores together- I still feel I am not ready for the above reasons. Something else that needs to be mentioned here is that my dad is not aware of my relationship and I don’t want to lie about who I live with- i am not sure if I want to tell him which is also postponing my cohabitation with my partner.

    I love living on my own for now but given that I have the choice to sleep at my place or over at hers is giving me some good energy- she does not feel the same,  she wants to move in with me but puts zero pressure and I dont want to let her down.

    I would love to hear your thoughts and especially from people that have experienced a similar situation.

     

    Best

    March 5, 2020 at 11:59 am #341708
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Quirine:

    Welcome back, and congratulations for having an amazing relationship 1.5 years and going!

    You wrote: “What worries me a bit is that from time to time I feel that if we move in..”-

    – May 2017, you wrote: “for me it’s impossible to be with the same person for more than 3 days.. even with my best friend can’t ..stand being for longer than 3 days”.

    I  believe that it was so because living with your parents as a child was very distressing for you (May & July 2017): “I was raised with one friend and being afraid of the other.. hiding from one and being so open with the other… I can almost calculate or foresee (father’s) explosions of anger.. My mother was always there to intermediate and prevent any fight or argument”.

    If you move in with your girlfriend, your distress will likely go up (even a 1.5 year long amazing relationship in adulthood does not delete a distressing childhood experience), so prepare for it by continuing to see your therapist if you still see her, or get a quality therapist to see during the first months living together with your girlfriend.

    You are still hiding your sexual  orientation from your father, still scared of him. I thought your relationship with him was improving back in 2017, and it seemed at the time that you were about to tell him about your sexual orientation, but that didn’t happen… I wonder what is then  the nature of the improvement of your relationship with your father (?)

    anita

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