How are you, Clara?

anita

Dear Clara:

Good to read back from you! I am fine, thank you, but in a rush, so I will thoroughly read and reply to you by tomorrow morning. Please take good care of yourself!

anita

Dear Clara:

I can see how much thought and care you’re putting into understanding yourself and your relationships, and that’s truly admirable.

As I read your post, I noticed how it reflects some of the themes we’ve discussed in the past, particularly around anxious-avoidant attachment. I went back to some of our earlier communications and found even more commonalities between your experiences and mine. This will be a long post, and I hope you have the time and patience to read it.

You shared last year: “My father was very explosive (emotionally). He would force me to go eat breakfast with him, but there were times when I didn’t want to, to the point I cried really hard wondering why he was forcing me to do something I didn’t want to. He had a problem when people got emotional or cried, and I still remember that he scolded me for crying. He couldn’t tolerate people having vulnerable emotions—he would go head-to-head and get very confrontational or explosive. This happened with… basically anyone who was against him (even the slightest). He was also very judgmental… he called me useless and a loser because I didn’t get married. It was so hurtful for me, I almost ran away from home that time. So, from a young age, I learned to hide my emotions… I swallowed my emotions and didn’t let [my girlfriend] know when I was sad. When she came home late, I didn’t often text or call her because I didn’t want to upset her. Once she got home, she realized I was upset and was caught by surprise.”

Like your father, my mother was also emotionally explosive, confrontational, and intolerant of vulnerability on my part. Her behavior created an environment where my emotions were met with scorn and punishment rather than understanding. From a young age, I learned that expressing my feelings was dangerous and would lead to rejection or conflict.

I can also relate to the pattern of control you described. My mother’s disregard for my autonomy left me feeling helpless and resentful. Your father’s judgmental words, such as calling you “useless” and a “loser,” are painfully similar to my mother calling me “a big zero.” Such comments deeply damage a child’s sense of self-worth, reinforcing the belief that love and approval are conditional on meeting impossible expectations.

Growing up in environments where emotions were invalidated or punished led both of us to suppress our feelings and deal with them alone. We learned to hide our emotions as a defense mechanism. In adulthood, this carried over into relationships. For example, you mentioned not texting or calling your ex when you felt upset because you didn’t want to upset her. This fear of expressing emotions and the resulting miscommunication—where your partner didn’t realize you were upset—ties back to your early conditioning that expressing emotions is dangerous. But as you’ve likely noticed, suppressed emotions don’t stay buried; they eventually erupt, sometimes in ways that harm relationships.

Your father’s unpredictability and emotional volatility shaped your anxious-avoidant attachment style, just as my mother’s behavior shaped mine. The combination of suppressed emotions and internalized fears has led to patterns of emotional withdrawal or intense reactions in relationships—something I can deeply relate to.

What stands out to me, though, is your resilience and self-awareness. You’ve been actively reflecting on these patterns and working to understand and improve yourself, and that’s truly inspiring. It reminds me that, even though these early influences left a mark, we both have the capacity to grow, heal, and build healthier relationships—with others and, most importantly, with ourselves.

Your kindness, responsibility, and empathy shine through every time you share, Clara. These are such powerful strengths, even as you navigate challenges like anxiety and emotional struggles. The fact that you’re asking, “How do I accept myself and handle these?” is a huge step toward building a healthier relationship with yourself. Your willingness to move forward with understanding and self-compassion is such a beautiful thing.

In terms of changing the habit of suppressing emotions to a new habit of expressing them, I am finding it helpful to type out my emotions as they are, right here on the forums—without giving in to my old tendency to intellectualize. Just letting the raw emotions flow onto the page. Is this something you would like to explore more, perhaps using your thread for this purpose?

anita

Dear Clara:

Thank you for your kind reply. I truly appreciate your words and the acknowledgment of my experiences—they mean a lot to me.

It sounds like you have an exciting trip ahead! I hope it brings you joy, relaxation, and a refreshing change of pace. Take all the time you need to reflect and reply—there’s no rush at all.

Wishing you safe travels and a wonderful time on your trip. Take good care, and I look forward to hearing from you when you’re ready. 🙂

anita

It sounds like you’re in a challenging situation. It’s a must to prioritize your emotional well-being. If she’s emotionally unavailable or still entangled in her past relationship, it’s crucial to reassess whether pursuing this connection is worth your time. Stay grounded and make sure you’re not settling for less than you deserve. Take care of yourself first.

Dear Clara:

Good to read from you again 😊. I can feel the weight of everything you’ve been carrying lately—loss, rejection, self-doubt, and the emotional exhaustion of trying to hold yourself together while facing so many changes. It makes sense that all of this would hit hard, especially since it connects to old wounds you’ve been working through for years.

On the positive side, congratulations for:

* Seeing a therapist to organize your thoughts and emotions.

* Recognizing Instagram is harmful and choosing grounding alternatives.

* Expressing your emotions through writing, helping you process and regulate them better.

Because you mentioned an ex you dated more than 10 years ago, I revisited your threads from May 31, 2016 (“Break up after massive tantrums, because my Ex cheated on me with my best friend”) and June 23, 2016 (“Moving on- anger management and sense of security”). Reading through them again, I see how complex and painful this experience was for you.

We discussed your attachment style just a bit in June 2024, but not back in 2016. Looking at our earliest communication, it seems that your attachment style has been Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment—meaning you’ve experienced conflicting desires for closeness and independence.

This push-pull dynamic shaped your relationship:

* You wanted connection but felt suffocated when she needed too much closeness.

* You feared losing her when she was distant but felt trapped when she relied too heavily on your approval.

* You struggled with deep fears of abandonment, which made letting go so painful after the breakup.

Meanwhile, your ex likely had an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment—she needed constant reassurance, sought your validation, and often felt rejected even when you didn’t intend to push her away. When she felt uncertain about your relationship, she turned to someone else (your friend) instead of addressing issues directly.

Your contributions to the breakup:

* Emotional distance & blunt criticism – At times, you dismissed her sensitivity, and your directness hurt her.

* Struggled with commitment – You admitted you weren’t fully invested at first, which may have made her feel uncertain.

* Control & impatience – Instead of accepting her, you often tried to “fix” aspects of her behavior.

* Intense emotional reactions after the betrayal – Your understandable anger, accusations, and distrust made reconciliation impossible.

Her contributions to the breakup:

* Seeking external validation instead of addressing issues – She turned to someone else rather than working through doubts within the relationship.

* Emotional dependency – She relied too heavily on your approval, making you feel pressured.

* Blaming you for her pain – She shifted the emotional burden onto you, instead of taking full accountability.

* Immediately moving on – Instead of allowing space for healing, she entered a relationship with your former friend, deepening your heartbreak.

The Paradox of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Inside the relationship, one feels suffocated by a partner’s emotional dependence. Closeness feels overwhelming, triggering a desire for space and control. Outside the relationship, one feels abandoned, craving the comfort of knowing someone deeply cares. Essentially, you struggle between wanting love but fearing the vulnerability that comes with it.

When you are in a love relationship, it feels too much—but when you lose it, you are devastated.

Fast Forward 9 Years- your recent experiences highlight the deep influence of fearful-avoidant attachment—longing for security but feeling trapped when closeness becomes overwhelming. These patterns don’t just appear in romantic relationships; they also affect friendships and even your relationship with your cats.

Your friend cutting ties triggered deep rejection and abandonment fears, reinforcing the painful belief: “Am I so bad that everyone leaves me?”. Even though your ex left years ago, seeing her with someone else still stirs old insecurities—not because you want her back, but because it reawakens feelings of rejection.

You wonder “What if she came back?”—but deep down, you also know you wouldn’t want that.

Your doubts about adopting your cats reflect the same emotional conflict you’ve had in relationships—you love them, but also fear being stuck with them.

This mirrors the way you’ve wanted closeness in relationships but also feared being “stuck” or suffocated.

Personally, I’ve struggled with the same attachment style as you, and maybe even more so. I understand how difficult it can be to navigate these patterns and the emotional push-pull they create. If you’d like to talk more about it, I’d be happy to explore this together 💙

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome, always!

You wrote, “I think I know I have these fearful avoidant attachment style… I would like to share but I am unsure where to start”- I wonder if books on the topic can help you start, maybe “Fearful Avoidant Attachment” by Vincenzo Venezia – it explores the patterns of fearful-avoidant attachment and offers strategies for overcoming relationship struggles..?

anita