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Moving Out

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Kathleen 5 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #202151

    kris
    Participant

    So I am almost 20 in two months. I am in engineering and I am liking it. I met my girlfriend 2 months ago and everything with us is going amazing.

    I just recently left my home and moved in with my mom. My dad and my mom separated when I was 2.My dad raised me for 17 years, yes I appreciate all the work and sacrifice he put in. I was controlled my entire life, this i mean I was never allowed to sleep over at my moms and was only allowed to see here once every 2 weeks from 9am-5pm. I was sometimes not allowed to go out with friends and I do not know the reason. I never experienced a high school party or had any fun times with friends because I was so controlled. My dad got married 9 years ago, his wife was nice at first and then the mask came off. Her and I never got along and i bet if i was dying she would not even care. I have always wanted to move out since jr high, toxic home. They would fight a lot (verbal) and bad moods all the time. You can feel the darkness in that home, she had anger issues and my dad did too. It would just spread and I would just listen. A teen listening to all that fighting.

    As soon as I get girlfriend they both try to control me ( I am 19) I cannot even see her, only once a week they say. At this point they brought me to my limit, his wife finally kicked me out and I was not even sad but felt all the weight and stress just lift up. Now my dad is calling and texting me 24/7 asking where I am and when am i going back. He even went looking to random houses looking for my girlfriend thinking i was there and he also spent all day in a mall looking for me. I told him that i need some space and that I am doing okay, he knows I am at my moms house.

    Now he is telling me that he has depression (it has been 5 days) and that he is on medication. I feel as they are throwing all the guilt onto me and I am just trying to grow up and enjoy life. when life gives you something you take it and you go with it because that one moment might not ever happen again. I am doing good at my moms house she is very successful and her husband is an amazing person. With all these issues I start to overthink about everything, i do have anxiety and i feel that my overthinking is bad but i am trying to calm it down. My grandpa told me today that if anything happens to my dad it would be all my fault and that all the guilt is on me. I am just trying to live and move on in life, like why can i not do what i want to? I feel free now and happy. My mom is making sure that school is first and of course that is my mentality as well. But with my dad being like this I feel that I am guilty for something but in reality i should not be. I still love my dad and forever will, I am not doing anything wrong. I am just trying to finish school and live life. How do I relax the overthinking and make the stress go away?

    Thank you for reading 🙂

    #202205

    anita
    Participant

    Dear kris:

    Your father should not be burdening you with his depression. Your life should not be about his depression. It should be about you, about your engineering, about your future career and about your new relationship.. about the new and what is in front of you, not about the old, about what (should be) behind you.

    I was hoping that your father had your best interest in mind (previous thread), but reading more here that he exposed you to a lot of verbal aggression at home, for years, and then, once you are out, putting the guilt trip on you, I am less optimistic about his priorities.

    In other words, reads to me that his priority is his feelings, not yours.

    Perhaps you can attend quality psychotherapy so to make the transition work for you, the transition between the way life was and the way you can wisely choose your life to be.

    anita

    #202727

    Kathleen
    Participant

    Moving on is the best thing that you can do for you. After all, it is YOUR life!! Congratulations on your girlfriend and for getting an education. I know this must all be so stressful, but none of those things you feel guilty about are actually your fault. You are only 19, these are supposed to be the years of your life. Your parents behavior is not normal and not healthy. However, do keep in mind that all three of your previous guardians most likely are all facing/have faced issues of their own and therefore are not completely stable. Again, these things are not your fault but eventually in the future, using compassion to keep these things in mind will help you to heal. They are just people with human flaws. I agree with Anita, receiving help or guidance from a professional might be very beneficial. I am living in a toxic household currently (trying to get out within the next 2 years!) and I am paying out-of-pocket to see a therapist bi-weekly, and her insight is amazing. Just having someone to talk to and validate you is like a huge weight lifted off. Keep living your life and you're allowed to be selfish, because you come first!!

    Warm regards,

    Kathleen

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