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Mr Perfect but no spark

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  • #149149
    shordeel
    Participant

    So I am in a bit of a dilemma. I am dating a very lovely, kind, loving guy who is basically Mr Perfect. He’s everything I want on paper.

    But, there is always a “But”. I don’t feel a spark or a connection. To cut a long story short, I’ve always been attracted to dickheads, good looking bad boys. My ex was one.

    So I meet this guy who is great, first and second dates were great. Then we become intimate and he’s not that experienced so that was a voice at the back of my head.

    I also started internally comparing him to all my exes and he just didnt have that edge at all. He’s way too nice. It started playing on my mind do much that soon enough i was becoming distant and was making excuses not to see him.

    I decided it wasn’t fair on him and told him that he’s lovely but i wanted to keep my options option. It crushed him and i felt horrible, But i had been in enough crappy relationships that i didnt want to do that to myself again.

    He couldnt understand why so i was brutally honest with him. He just couldn’t understand that having that edge in someone is what made me attracted to them. he put me off more by saying that what if you could turn a good boy into a bad one. I was like yea, no.

    I went out on a date with another guy who wasnt suitable either. I then went over my head how the first guy i was with was great and should get over myself because there are girls out there who wish they had what i did.

    So we started dating again and it was all going well..until he started hinting that he wanted to move in with me once my lease was over. Panic!!! I hastily brushed it off with an off hand comment saying yea see what happens.

    Sex got better, we went away together for a weekend. but that niggling feeling just wont go away. I look at him and keep asking whether im attracted to him or not. Im not affectionate with him and that is not who iam.

    He has now applied for position at my work and its really pissed me off. I can go on about how i feel but it will take too long. I feel like a bad person for feeling this way. Ive fucked him around once before. He wants to build a future with me which is great and all but im not falling in love with him but he is with me.

    part of it maybe that i still have feelings for my ex and i never got closure from that. I just dont know what to do. I was meant to see him tonite but made the excuse that i wasnt feeling well.

     

    I am. VERY. STUCK

    I feel no connection, spark, fireworks, nothing. He is attractive i guess maybe. kinda. I think if i met someone else and he had all this guys qualities but gave me that spark then i would have to leave. I would never cheat or disrespect someone.

    I feel like he’s the guy that is in the interim while my heart looks for others.Why cant i just be happy with him. I keep telling myself it will get better and it will be great. but its been two months and nada

     

    Anybody else been in this fiasco

    Help 🙁

     

    #149167
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Adele:

    You wrote that you’ve always been attracted to “good looking bad boys”-

    that attraction didn’t serve you well, correct? This in itself, if it does you a disservice, is a problem, regardless of the current relationship. Can you elaborate on the “bad boy” behavior you feel attracted to?

    Regarding your current relationship, you wrote: “He’s way too nice”- can you elaborate on that, give examples?

    You wrote that you don’t show him much affection and clearly you are very ambivalent about being with him, yet he is moving forward with you, wanting to move in with you. I assume this means he is not aware of your lack of attraction to him, your ambivalence. Is it that you hide it well or is it that he doesn’t see what is in front of him?

    anita

    #149271
    Susannah
    Participant

    Dear Adele,

     

    sorry to hear about your relationship(s). You are used to “bad boys”, who represent illusional fun and excitement even though in reality such relationships do not offer emotional stability and safety, which do not mean that the relationship would be boring. I hope that you will find ways to heal your inner wounds so that you do not drift into damaging relationships any more.

     

    About the spark  – it either exists or not and you cannot “make” it. It is essential to have it to create a deeply satisfying sexual connection in the long run. No matter how perfect someone looks “on paper”, you cannot guarantee that there will be chemistry.

     

    It is time to respect you and your boyfriend. You are not a match made in heaven and you need to admit it. Continuing with the relationship does not satisfy either of you. It does not mean that you still could not be friends with each other! Friendship in the true sense is much more valuable than an attempt to create a romantic relationship with a person, who you are not compatible with. It takes some courage to admit the facts, but it is the only way to lead an authenthic life.

     

    All the best to you! 🙂

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Susannah.
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