Hi, call me Cappy.

My life has been stressful, sad, and much in-between. At first as a kid I was sick a lot. On good days I simply didn’t feel well, on bad days I was flu like. Well as it turns out I was allergic to many foods, and yes my feelings about foods making me sick were real. But those feelings “Were just my nerves, me not wanting to go to school, how stupid to say food makes you sick just eat it” until I was 13, and then didn’t matter until I ran away at 17. I don’t blame my parents for me being sick from food because they didn’t know. I do blame them for not taking me to doctors after my first one died as a young kid, and for being on drugs. It took the right guy once I was an adult for my mom to quit drugs, seems like my life wasn’t enough to pull her away from drugs because my dad was involved and she needed drugs to be near my dad. My dad is dead to me because he covered up my cousin raping me in elementary school. For at least 10 years I thought he had told my Mom about it and wondered why she never asked me about it, because I was going to tell her once she asked because it felt safer since my dad was my dad. But that didn’t happen.

I had to go through living with my “loving grandparents”. At first it was real, really good. I could always rely on my grandma to save me when my illnesses were too much, or when my parents were too drugged up. This is why what followed had killed me, more than just the internal and emotional damage. My grandpa was but not limited to a pedophile. I couldn’t have friends because i had to protect them from his eyes. He would try and trick me into sending him pictures of my friends. He would watch porn with me “to show me how a TV, a DVD player, a USB stick” worked. He would masturbate every night before work into a giant mirror facing my room with all the lights on like he was on stage and I was watching. My grandparents were the ones who took me to a doctor and found out what was wrong, which was my food allergies and I was in the hospital. That should have been it, we found out why I was sick my whole life. Instead they made me eat nothing but fast food, cookies, ice cream, cakes and deserts. My allergy free foods were “treats”. My body has been ruined from this and I’m now only 23. They kept me sick so I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t be in our back yard because she would tell me I could die. I was stuck in a house with no windows and banned from going to school from 11 until just before 18. I partially hate myself for not going to authorities, but authorities had failed me once before and what else was there? Foster care? That’s where people get raped and treated badly right? I felt like leaving this type of place would put me right back into somewhere like it or worse.

Now I’m sick. I’m scared a lot. I have PTSD that ruins my life, not to mention I’m starving most of the day because of allergies. I’ve been under 90lbs since 2012, for 2 years I was between 72-75lbs. There isn’t much work in our town, its all in the next towns over. But you need a car to get 40 miles a day and many jobs here are night based after buses or anything. Not to mention buses routes getting smaller. I’m too sick to work even though I have a degree to help me get a job. My husband has been trying so very hard, our life is hard on him too. He has my health to worry about and it makes me feel bad that I can’t help out financially, while hes pulling these terrible hours at night just to find enough cash for daily life. We just need something to break, some good fortune. Life changing good, not just an extra $10-20 a month. A real pay check.

My health is a day to day thing. Each meal reduces the supply I don’t have money to replace, keeping me very stressed as an already brokenly stressed person. I hate this and feel stuck, and will be stuck until we get a break.