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My best friend lied to me, i want to move on

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  • #86872
    Lady Nadia
    Participant

    Hello everyone,
    I hope all is doing well.

    My subject seems a bit odd, but i don’t know where to start for a proper title.

    I have known my best friend for 5 years, we had so much in common and would never stop talking and laughing.
    We had dreams of going together abroad to concerts.
    She had a Relationship at first, which even though I disliked the man, I told her to try but to be cautious.
    In the end, it turned out like I thought, he threw her away like she was nothing Worth.
    I supported her to get over it.
    Afterwards I went through a beginning of depression with anxiety and panick attacks.
    She also supported me as best as she could.
    Until now all of this seems like a fairytale.

    We recently had a misunderstanding because of a man we both liked at the gym. When I understood she liked him,
    I decided not to make a move so none of us would feel bad, even though she kept trying to get closer to him.
    I was sick one evening, and the next day she told me that they were dating.
    I reacted badly, I feared of being a third Wheel, of being pushed away.
    I tried to fix it, so we had normally scheduled meeting at my house, she said she would stop by but didn’t.
    She pretended she wasn’t reading my messages, I began calling her several times until she wrote that she was still angry.
    So was I, but our friendship was more important and I wanted us to stop this childish behaviour.

    Yet because she had lied, it broke something I wished she had never done.
    A few days after we spoke and to me everything was fixed. She never wanted us to have a fight again.

    Yet since that day, her now boyfriend ignores me completely, and she has become obsessed by him, she does stop during her training to say hi to me, she doesn’t go to pilates lessons with me, she just stays where he is. The attention she used to give me dropped from 80% to 10%, and she became less and less talkative to me. When i asked her if something was wrong, she would answer no all is fine, would talk a few minutes then vanish again.

    Back to the topic of travelling abroad, four times we had planned this, four times she left two days before departure alone, pretending that something happened. The last time was that she had to go all of a sudden to cannes for work, leaving me alone in Paris without a house ( i was supposed to stay with her in her appartment in paris ).
    She had also apparently bought me shoes I wanted in spain and was going to bring them to me;

    iT NEVER happened. She always brought excuses, which made me even more doubtful.

    I tried something. She had made two pictures during her stay in cannes ( and they seemed odd to me ) I looked for pictures of cannes on Google and found that her picture was taken from a hotel’s website in Cannes; SHe had added filters and made it look like it was hers.
    Then it hit me. It was all a lie ! the house, the shoes, the travelling abroad and other things she had told me she had but never came to the light.

    For five years, she had been lying about herself to me.

    She hasn’t spoken to me for two weeks, she spends her entire week with the boyfriend.

    I am stuck between angry and dissapointment. I wish to move on and let go of this. I find it difficult to say that I wish to never speak to her since we did have very good moments that were true and helpful. but the lie has been a great shock to me and my family.

    If you could please help me with tips, I would be very grateful!!

    Thank you very much!

    #86873
    Brian
    Participant

    Lady Nadia,

    Yeah, that is a rather large lie on her part. I guess, then, what do you really want? If you sincerely wish to let go of her, find a way to tactfully say so, whether by text or in-person or whatever. Perhaps say something like “It seems to me that you’re avoiding me, and that things aren’t what they used to be. If this is the way things are going to be, I cannot be your friend.” Those are likely hard words to write, of course. But your anger and disappointment sound justified, and if she’s fabricated much of her life and isn’t interested in repairing things, you’re probably better off without her in your life.

    Losing a friend is difficult, but to me it sounds like you’ve mostly lost that friend already…or rather she, with her behavior and making things up, has lost you :/

    #86877
    anita
    Participant

    Dear lady Nadia:

    You wrote that after she told you that she was dating the guy in the gym, that you “reacted badly”- what is reacting badly mean? If for example, reacting badly means you called her names, went on and on about how she is ungrateful to you and so on and so on, that would be a very different story than if reacting badly means that, maybe, you felt badly after she told you what she did.

    If you’d like to clarify it to me, how did you react to her (in “reacting badly”)?

    anita

    #86916
    Lady Nadia
    Participant

    Dear Brian, thank you for your reply. Indeed the words seem harsh but true to preserve my own happiness.

    Dear Anita, thank you for trying to understand. I will tell exactly what i said, I believe I have snapped, and if my attitude wasn’t correct, please do tell.
    on a tuesday, we both knew we liked the same person but weren’t going to make a move, both of us thought he had a Relationship according to a girl.
    Wednesday I didn’t come, I was sick, she went to the gym.
    The next day I was talking to her and said: listen i wish to keep some distance with the guy to let go of the “crush feeling”, so we could train in the room for ladies.
    She then replied well it’s going to be difficult, because we decided to date.

    I felt a warmth rush to my face, heart pounding and was dissapointed. I wrote if she was serious? that she had said she wouldn’t try anything, so this means i was going to be a third Wheel and have to wait for my turn before she would talk to me because now that he’s the boyfriend, all of the attention would be focused on him, we wouldn’t be able to have our fun together, because we can’t talk about certain stuff with him between us. I will feel like a weight. ( i want to say that with her former boyfriend, we went once all three together, and i never felt so ashamed because they were only focused on each other and i was there trying to eat, trying to have a conversation for three, but they would quickly revert back to each other. Ii thought it would have been better if i wasnt there at all).

    She said she wouldn’t do that, that she would give us equal time ( i replied “i know that you’ll give him more time which is understandable” but i don’t want to be erased)

    She thought I didn’t want her to date him, when i actually was dissapointed that she had said she wouldn’t do anything but in the end did jump on the occasion to date him.

    Afterwards, we didn’t speak for two weeks ( mostly from her side ) i tried to get to her and said i was sorry for snapping but she wouldn’t have it. In the end she realised she had misunderstood my words ( she thought i didn’t want her to date him, while all i feared was to be pushed away like i’m no longer of use as a friend, the boyfriend is enough )

    The thing is after that, the boyfriend (who was my coach) stopped coaching me and speaking to me. He ignored me in front of everyone ( which i found unprofessional but didn’t react) however I did say to my best friend listen i don’t know why but he’s being quite rude with me. she reacted like I was a bad person and didn’t do anything to tell him to stop doing that since we were friends again.
    I know that if he was my boyfriend and started acting like that to her, I would tell him to stop the attitude, that it’s a case between her and me, and now that it’s fixed, there is no reason to be so rude. Yet she didn’t care, and from there, like I told above, she started talking less, giving me less attention, more focused on chatting with him on the phone while he was eating in the room next to us.

    #86924
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lady Nadia:

    I read your last post and then read again your original post. This is what I see, and please consider it and post again, telling me what you agree with, what you disagree with, and otherwise, what you think about all this:

    What I see is a hurt little Lady Nadia to start with, that is that you were in reality hurt as a little girl and/ or somehow you were significantly hurt before you met the girlfriend five years ago or so. I think this is what the anxiety and depression you mentioned are about.

    When you had 80% of the girlfriend’s attention, (a number you came up with), it felt like a fairy-tale (again, word you used) to you.

    I am supposing the earlier hurt that you experienced before you met the girlfriend was about NOT having the attention you rightfully needed and deserved.

    When she paid the old boyfriend and the new boyfriend the attention that you needed so badly, that you so enjoyed in the past, and no longer paid you that attention, the old hurt was ignited and burned inside of you.

    When you were on a vacation with her and her old boyfriend and felt like a third wheel, alone- that was not your imagination and it was not right for you- it was not a good situation for you to be there, not a good idea if she came up with it and not a good idea if you came up with it. Since you were there, it wasn’t right for her to NOT pay attention to you. If I was her, I would have paid attention to you because I chose for you to be there and it was the right thing to do.

    So, it is complex: there is the old hurt in you ignited, and there is her behaving wrong in that scenario. There is both.

    Regarding the new boyfriend: same old hurt is ignited: there is hurt and there is the natural companion to hurt, that is anger.

    What I would do, if I was you, to my best understanding of what it means to be you, is attend to the old hurt, the old anger with insight and self compassion, grieve it, process it adequately so that it stops making present situations feel so much worse than they would otherwise.

    As I do the above, I would over time get clarity as to who did what wrong and how much wrong. Once you slowly stops the old wound from bleeding into the new wounds, you can see how deep the new wounds are, that is how much you are projecting inaccurately into a situation and how much is objectively true.

    I believe it is both, but clarity through healing will make your view clearer and clearer.

    anita

    #86927
    Lady Nadia
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Indeed you are right. I was hurt in the past (always bullied at school). The anxiety and depression are part of what resulted and also because I was bullied at work and had too pressure on my shoulders.
    My previous best friend was almost the same case, always chatting, laughing, meeting up until the boyfriend appeared, I wasn’t that important anymore but also used as an excuse to secretly meet him ( her parents trusted me and so each time she came to see me, we HAD to go to a coffee shop so they could spend their time together, leaving me to wait for them to finish ). Later on, i let go of her, saying I was not a toy, or some option to use so she could meet up with her boyfriends.

    Afterwards, I met the latter friend ( which I will call J ) when I got to meet her, we had a lot in commun, I met her through mutual friends from school, we had same taste in a lot of things.
    For the meeting with the first boyfriend, it wasn’t my idea because I thought she would want to spend her birhtday with her boyfriend ( which I understand), but she invited me too. I saw it as a chance to know him better and maybe developp some sort of friendship, sadly it turned out like I mentioned above.
    I had in the mean time learned to accept that there had to be space for the boyfriend. When he dumped her, she literally began talking to me everyday, wanting to meet every weekend, making projects of travelling abroad, working together..which afterwards I began to believe.

    Yet once again, a new boyfriend appeared, and all our projects are no longer that important, plus the lies that I discovered recently.

    I have learned with time to enjoy my own company, however, I am not ok with being lied to, or being the best friend of someone and afterwards being thrown away because a man appeared in the friend’s life. I have thankfully other friends that aren’t like that, with their Partner/fiance or even husband/wife, but it does hurt when it comes from the best friend who says” i give attention to both, i hate girls who abandon their best friend for a man”
    I have had my bit of love, and did learn to give attention to both sides, I would never chose to throw her for him ( she was there before him )
    I spoke to some friends about this, and learned that I should never trust someone 100%, never expect the same treatment I give to others and letting go when it’s time to let go.

    #86929
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lady Nadia:

    It seems to me that you are choosing to not examine the nature of the old wounds that bleed into the new ones as I suggested, and that is okay with me. It is absolutely your right to choose these kinds of things, who wants to feel pain anyway?

    Then a simple solution to the new wounding, that is of a female friend finding a boyfriend and abandoning you, would be to only make friends or keep friendships with female friends who already have boyfriends or partners and in that context give you the attention that you need. In other words, it is an option for you to not make new friends with women who are single.

    anita

    #86932
    Lady Nadia
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you very much for your reply.

    The old wounds ( from bullying have already healed, I have forgiven those people and even met them recently)
    For the female friends, I have also met girls that went from single to engaged, but they never changed their attitude, despite giving more time to their partners which I fully understand ( after all having a Partner is different than a friend), there was always a time for friends, which I cherish a lot.
    But the new wound will need some time to heal. I just can’t understand how people can in one night choose to ignore someone like a stranger. If it went gradually and that we grew apart, it would have been ok, but a sudden rupture is alas a bit of a hard blow to me.

    #86933
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lady Nadia:

    Best to you-
    anita

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