Forum Replies Created
March 16, 2016 at 6:18 am #99138
I might have used the wrong term then, let’s just say that people sometimes want to force me like: just do it, just for fun!
and I’m not into this type of relationship.
Thank you for understanding. Indeed that is exactly what I thought. I should stop carrying what other people think about how I handle my love life.March 15, 2016 at 6:30 pm #99103
I really hope I can uplift you with my message.
This self-hate is resulted by thoughts you follow (just like your anxiety and depression). Somehow people are usually more attracted by the negative thoughts than the positive, and so we create (without knowing it) a cloud of negativity which affects everything we have. Someone could say you are a lovely person but your cloud would make you think : hell no that’s not true. The truth is : you are.
I’ve been bullied for 7years, I hated myself, I had dreams but kept saying yeah never going to happen, at some point it triggered anxiety and depression. But if I may say so, I’m somewhere grateful for this depression because it has opened my eyes to see my strenght and love myself for who I am and I destroyed that negative cloud from my mind.
If I can suggest for your case, I did auriculotherapy ( acupunctur for the ears) and thethahealing ( helped so much) and just talking about it.
You have a fiance, who certainly loves you and would love to see you bloom to the lovely person you are,just like your friends, he sees it in your eyes and it is time you see it too. it’s a state of mind, choose positive over negative, self-love over self-hate,.. it’s not about controlling the thoughts, because we have millions of them everyday, it’s about following the positive ones; acknowledge the bad but don’t follow it, reach for the positive thought.
It may sound completely insane what I’m saying but trust me it works. We are all awkward and unique.
Consider doing mindfulness and searching about positive vibes, yoga etc..
Just by switching your mindset from negative to positive, your day can change and so step by step your entire life will change, and later you will look back and say: waouw!
Start by smiling at yourself in the morning, give yourself positives vibes, avoid toxic people, do not compare yourself to others, each of us is different and unique, just be who you are.
For sports, if you fear people might look at you just remind yourself, they are here for the same reason with their own problems and insecurities, you are here for yourself, not for the others, so go there enjoy your course, and leave with fresh energy and before going to sleep, give yourself a positive vibe and sleep well!
You can do it! Never give up and smile!
Cheers!March 15, 2016 at 5:15 pm #99095
I’ve been in two toxic relationships, a friend and a best friend.
I cut those friendships and i’m so glad I did.
The first one ( friend ) was a vampire energy, every single day she was complaining and make life seem so miserable: “omg we’re still not married what is wrong with us? i want a boyfriend, i wanna go out, i want a job, i want and i hate this and this” I helped her out on several occasions, even in finding a job which she rejected because it was “below her level”, and at some point, after meeting with her, the next day I would be crying for no good reason. I learned later that she is like a vampire energy, they suck the positive out of you, and throw their negative on you until the’re empty and then leave you with their trash. when I blocked her everywhere I felt so relieved.
Same goes for the best friend who had been lying to me for years, putting me in stressful situations (like abandoning me for a travel to paris with nowhere to sleep and no money) until I realized she was stopping me from living my life and following my dreams.
A true friend should never be a vampire energy, do bad stuff to you repeatedly etc… if you’re getting hurt by being a friend, then no it’s not worth it! Believe me, the people that truly understand and value you will come. Let go of toxic relationship!November 7, 2015 at 10:48 am #86932
Thank you very much for your reply.
The old wounds ( from bullying have already healed, I have forgiven those people and even met them recently)
For the female friends, I have also met girls that went from single to engaged, but they never changed their attitude, despite giving more time to their partners which I fully understand ( after all having a Partner is different than a friend), there was always a time for friends, which I cherish a lot.
But the new wound will need some time to heal. I just can’t understand how people can in one night choose to ignore someone like a stranger. If it went gradually and that we grew apart, it would have been ok, but a sudden rupture is alas a bit of a hard blow to me.November 7, 2015 at 9:39 am #86927
Indeed you are right. I was hurt in the past (always bullied at school). The anxiety and depression are part of what resulted and also because I was bullied at work and had too pressure on my shoulders.
My previous best friend was almost the same case, always chatting, laughing, meeting up until the boyfriend appeared, I wasn’t that important anymore but also used as an excuse to secretly meet him ( her parents trusted me and so each time she came to see me, we HAD to go to a coffee shop so they could spend their time together, leaving me to wait for them to finish ). Later on, i let go of her, saying I was not a toy, or some option to use so she could meet up with her boyfriends.
Afterwards, I met the latter friend ( which I will call J ) when I got to meet her, we had a lot in commun, I met her through mutual friends from school, we had same taste in a lot of things.
For the meeting with the first boyfriend, it wasn’t my idea because I thought she would want to spend her birhtday with her boyfriend ( which I understand), but she invited me too. I saw it as a chance to know him better and maybe developp some sort of friendship, sadly it turned out like I mentioned above.
I had in the mean time learned to accept that there had to be space for the boyfriend. When he dumped her, she literally began talking to me everyday, wanting to meet every weekend, making projects of travelling abroad, working together..which afterwards I began to believe.
Yet once again, a new boyfriend appeared, and all our projects are no longer that important, plus the lies that I discovered recently.
I have learned with time to enjoy my own company, however, I am not ok with being lied to, or being the best friend of someone and afterwards being thrown away because a man appeared in the friend’s life. I have thankfully other friends that aren’t like that, with their Partner/fiance or even husband/wife, but it does hurt when it comes from the best friend who says” i give attention to both, i hate girls who abandon their best friend for a man”
I have had my bit of love, and did learn to give attention to both sides, I would never chose to throw her for him ( she was there before him )
I spoke to some friends about this, and learned that I should never trust someone 100%, never expect the same treatment I give to others and letting go when it’s time to let go.November 7, 2015 at 7:00 am #86916
Dear Brian, thank you for your reply. Indeed the words seem harsh but true to preserve my own happiness.
Dear Anita, thank you for trying to understand. I will tell exactly what i said, I believe I have snapped, and if my attitude wasn’t correct, please do tell.
on a tuesday, we both knew we liked the same person but weren’t going to make a move, both of us thought he had a Relationship according to a girl.
Wednesday I didn’t come, I was sick, she went to the gym.
The next day I was talking to her and said: listen i wish to keep some distance with the guy to let go of the “crush feeling”, so we could train in the room for ladies.
She then replied well it’s going to be difficult, because we decided to date.
I felt a warmth rush to my face, heart pounding and was dissapointed. I wrote if she was serious? that she had said she wouldn’t try anything, so this means i was going to be a third Wheel and have to wait for my turn before she would talk to me because now that he’s the boyfriend, all of the attention would be focused on him, we wouldn’t be able to have our fun together, because we can’t talk about certain stuff with him between us. I will feel like a weight. ( i want to say that with her former boyfriend, we went once all three together, and i never felt so ashamed because they were only focused on each other and i was there trying to eat, trying to have a conversation for three, but they would quickly revert back to each other. Ii thought it would have been better if i wasnt there at all).
She said she wouldn’t do that, that she would give us equal time ( i replied “i know that you’ll give him more time which is understandable” but i don’t want to be erased)
She thought I didn’t want her to date him, when i actually was dissapointed that she had said she wouldn’t do anything but in the end did jump on the occasion to date him.
Afterwards, we didn’t speak for two weeks ( mostly from her side ) i tried to get to her and said i was sorry for snapping but she wouldn’t have it. In the end she realised she had misunderstood my words ( she thought i didn’t want her to date him, while all i feared was to be pushed away like i’m no longer of use as a friend, the boyfriend is enough )
The thing is after that, the boyfriend (who was my coach) stopped coaching me and speaking to me. He ignored me in front of everyone ( which i found unprofessional but didn’t react) however I did say to my best friend listen i don’t know why but he’s being quite rude with me. she reacted like I was a bad person and didn’t do anything to tell him to stop doing that since we were friends again.
I know that if he was my boyfriend and started acting like that to her, I would tell him to stop the attitude, that it’s a case between her and me, and now that it’s fixed, there is no reason to be so rude. Yet she didn’t care, and from there, like I told above, she started talking less, giving me less attention, more focused on chatting with him on the phone while he was eating in the room next to us.September 21, 2015 at 2:49 am #83730
You should first know you are very brave and strong because you’ve come up so far, and never surrendered to the dark thought of suicide. You are very brave because you decided to share this with us, and it is the proof that you want to change, to move forward, to evolve and let go of what hurts. Just for that, right now, you can be proud of yourself.
You are who you are, if you’re not the stereotypical black girl, that is absolutely OK! if it makes you feel any good i’m a dutch/moroccan with asian origins, I love and draw anime, I attend to japanese concerts, I dream to be a writer with stories that will make people smile or help them. Be proud of who you are, if you’re already proud, then you’re one step ahed than your mother.
Her problems are not yours, and she shouldn’t in any case put the blame on you or see you as a punching ball. You have to find a way to disconnect your thoughts brought by the abuse and block the negative energy coming from your mother. It is not an easy task and it’s quite difficult when it’s coming from a parent, but it can be a weight on your soul. These type of persons are called energy vampires, that suck out the positive and spit the negative on us.
Consider practicing mindfulness, meditation and yoga, it may sound silly, I used to think the same, but it really helped me a lot and to let go of what hurts/harms my soul; and I realised how wrong I was looking at life because of some bad events that occured in my life. Give it a try by listening to Mr. Jon Kabat Zinn’s speech on mindfulness, it’s an hour speech but it’s all worth to listen to.
Never give up on any dream, because believe me they do come true after all the hard work ( even if it seems endless ). When you do that, step by step, by falling, crying but always getting up, someday you’ll look back and you’ll have reached a whole new level, you’ll be able to tell your mom ” look I did it!”
I do pray that she will someday admit her mistakes ( parents are humans after all )and will accept to seek help from a therapist or even join you in the process and that all of these events will become memories from the past. It is never too late to start and live a hapy life!
Oh and if you’re still looking into losing weight or shaping your form, pilates and cardio exercises. Do this for yourself, not for others, and no matter what shape you are of personality you have, you are beautiful as you are and you have the right to bloom! So bloom dear and keep us updated of your progress! You are never alone.