Home→Forums→Relationships→My boyfriend doesn't like my family
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March 26, 2017 at 3:39 pm #142227
Yu WaiParticipantHello,
I just joined this forum, and I would really appreciate an advise or two for my situation.
My boyfriend and I are currently in a long distance relationship, we have been dating and studying together abroad and he has recently graduated and returned to his country to work. We have been together for 2 years and 3 months, and we have made plans to settle down when we have achieved financial stability after my graduation.
Recently, my family and boyfriend has gotten into a conflict with regards to differing ideologies. My family is Muslim and my boyfriend is a freethinker. Furthermore, he is from China and I am from Singapore. After the argument, we have managed to negotiate to a peaceful conclusion however, my boyfriend is still hung up on the issue.
He is just about to start a career, and still in amidst of looking for a job in a different city from his hometown. I understand that he is under a lot of pressure at the moment due to labour force competitiveness in this country. I have been convincing myself that all that he has been telling me are words due to stress and depression, and that they are temporary. However, right now, I am not sure if I can believe that anymore.
He said that he hates my sister and father which makes half of my family, and that he refuses to associate or entertain them now and in the future. Next week, my family and I are flying over to China to meet him for the very first time. I have been so anxious that I had 2 anxiety attacks in 2 weeks. Now, he is telling me that seeing me really makes him happy and he still loves me very much, however he is unable to tolerate my family. He feels that the future he has seen for us has vanished into the thin air mainly because he is unable and refuses to accept and interact with my father.
I have been trying to tell him that my father has not sprouted a single rude statement to him, all he has told him was to marry me if he wishes to stay with me; and that the family will be going to China with me. He did not forbid our relationship nor did he demand for my boyfriend to marry me immediately.
My boyfriend feels that this is an unsolvable issue as he is going to have to put up with my family for long term if he chooses to stay with me; yet he is also unable to breakup with me as he still loves me dearly. Even if I say I would choose to be with him, he knows that I would always run back to my family whenever they need me. Therefore, for as long as he is with me, he feels that he needs to withstand my family’s comments, ideologies, and requests which are not in line with his thinking. He also knows that my family is not going to China for aggression, instead, they are going with peace. However, he just can’t free himself from the thoughts of disliking my family.
I still have a lot of fight to stay together with him as I too, still love him dearly. However, it also seems like I am putting him through a lot of pain as I am undetectable from my family. Everyday, knowing he wakes up depressed also breaks my heart, and makes me wish I can free him from this misery. I too, wake up and go to sleep every night with chest tightness and anxiety. So, should I let him go? Should I hold on to him? What should I do?
March 26, 2017 at 8:38 pm #142265
AnonymousGuestDear Yu Wai:
You wrote: “Even if I say I would choose to be with him, he knows that I would always run back to my family whenever they need me”- being so close with your family, with your father and sister, more loyal to them than you would be to your boyfriend if you married him- that makes for an impossible situation if you married him. The anxiety you both feel over his dislike of your father will be a regular occurrence in a marriage with him.
If you lived far away from your family, seeing them once a year or so, maybe you could have a good marriage with a man who dislikes your family. But being as close to your family as you are, this marriage doesn’t make sense.
You wrote that you would choose your family over him, well choose them now and let your boyfriend go…
anita
March 27, 2017 at 6:50 am #142297Yu WaiParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much for the response. I feel that letting him go is not the right choice because he has always taken care of my sister and I in place of my parents for the past 2 years that I have been away from home in a different country. He has acted responsibly and logically with an adult figure to guide us out of our childish college mistakes.
I feel that he is a reliable and dependable man, who is very suited for me. For 2 years, we have been living together. Although we fight sometimes, we do not fight about lifestyle differences. I feel that this is the man I can and want to live with for the rest of my life. Because for the 2 years, I experienced how a married life with him would’ve felt like, and I feel happy and bless every minute of it.
Yu
March 27, 2017 at 8:27 am #142339AnonymousGuestDear Yu:
You wrote that your boyfriend “refuses to associate or entertain (your father and sister) now and in the future.” In the next sentence you wrote: “Next week, my family and I are flying over to China to meet him for the very first time.”
– you mean, your boyfriend never met your father and sister? If so, what is his dislike based on (and what are his complaints about your father and sister, specifically)?
And if he refuses to associate with them, then when you and your family arrives to China, will he refuse to see them? What is the plan?
anita
March 27, 2017 at 4:06 pm #142447Yu WaiParticipantHello Anita,
He knows and has interacted with my sister for a year as we are all studying in the same country. However, this will be the first time he would be meeting my father face to face.
They had a tense conversation via Skype call about 3 weeks ago as my father found out I lost my virginity to him.
He felt that it was ridiculous of my father to react in such an explosive manner as he has sincerely loved and took care of me for the past 2 years of our relationship. Hence he felt that my father has disrespected and despised him.
Yu
March 27, 2017 at 7:28 pm #142471AnonymousGuestDear Yu:
I re-read your three posts on this thread. I understand your anxiety about the coming flight to China.
* If the flight can be postponed/ the tickets refunded, consider doing so.
If you will be flying with your father to China next week, make yourself as prepared as possible:
1. Talk to your father, asking him what exactly is his objective in China, what he wants to accomplish. I suppose he wants to make sure your boyfriend and you get married- but when?
2. Talk to your boyfriend- does he want to marry you? Is he intending to marry you soon, or when he gets a job, or when he is settled financially, at what time approximately?
See how #1 and #2 fit – or not- and let both sides know the situation (before the flight)
3. Tell your boyfriend it is okay for him to like or dislike anyone, that how we feel is not a matter of choice, but how we behave is. He must act respectfully toward your father even though he dislikes him. And, tell him, that your father needs to act respectfully toward him as well.
4. Tell your father that you are the one raised Muslim and it is you responsible for betraying the teaching about not having sex before marriage. Your boyfriend is not Muslim and was not raised Muslim, therefore, your boyfriend is not responsible for betraying the Muslim teaching. Let him know that he must act respectfully toward your boyfriend regardless of how he feels.
5. Make practical arrangement for the stay in China so that if there is a meltdown between your father and boyfriend, that there will be a comfortable place for him to stay while in China.
anita
March 28, 2017 at 6:24 am #142533Yu WaiParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much for your advises.
I am actually flying tonight, hence I can’t avoid or delay the matter. I’ll face it, however, I’ll keep all your advises in my mind during the trip.
Once again, thank you so much
Best regards,
Yu
March 28, 2017 at 8:35 am #142555AnonymousGuestDear Yu:
You are welcome. I hope this trip works out for you and for your boyfriend, as well as for your father . I am interested in knowing what happens, so a further post will be welcome.
anita
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