Matt,

Thank you for all that you said.

The other day he was so discouraged. Not too long ago, his car got broken into (he had forgotten to lock it the night before) and a few things got stolen. Namely, what was important at that point was the car charger for his camera batteries. He wanted to show me how to use his camera, so I could use it for one of my upcoming shoots. He had forgotten to charge his camera battery the night before. So, out of his frustration, he throws his camera and lenses in the backseat. He goes on to say that it would’ve been a relief if things would’ve broken. All of this was very hard for him and hard for me. Him and I have only been together about 10 months and we are still learning each other. So, while he is doing this, I just get very quiet and listen to him vent. It makes me feel helpless to not be able to help. At the same time, I think just listening is probably the best thing I can do. I waited until he was a little bit less frustrated and leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and said that I was sorry he was so frustrated.

One of the largest problems is that he doesn’t enjoy his day job. He is underpaid and doesn’t get treated that well. He works extremely hard and knows it is taxing on his body and that he can’t do it forever. He doesn’t want to be famous or rich.

Just to give you an idea of my past. Like everyone else, I have made a lot of changes in my life thus far. I was a person that I couldn’t be proud of. Every day, I work to move past the regret I feel for doing things that I have done in my past. I have improved a lot in that sense as well. Many people tell me that I have discovered my problems and moved past them extremely fast for my age. So, not only is everything with him different for me. Everything with me is different for me.

I agree with the fact that no money can replace happiness, but it is frustrating when you have been trying so hard for years and you can’t make any headway. Personally, I haven’t gotten to the point that I am so discouraged by things that I am so frustrated. I don’t know if I will get to that point.

Him and I work together very well. I do get frustrated with his attitude a lot of times. Him and I have talked about the fact that his attitude may be a lot of his problem. But it’s also sad to say that he can’t be himself if he wants to have the attitude he does with things. He expects a lot from people and sometimes it’s a losing battle. Should he be expecting less? I don’t know if there is a good answer to that. In a way, I feel like he is punishing himself if other people don’t live up to his standards.

Matt,

Thank you! I agree that sometimes just listening, and understanding can be the best. It’s just hard to see him that way. Later, I did mention to him that throwing his camera was pretty counterproductive to his frustrations. He agreed and apologized.

Many people told me that if you aren’t looking for a significant other, someone will come along. I think this ties in with what we’re saying about expectations. It’s healthy and alright to set goals, but it’s counterintuitive to expect people to see what you see. It’s hard to understand what people see and don’t see. I just feel personally that if I am waiting for people to meet my expectations that I am letting myself down, not that they are letting me down. It’s understandable that there is frustration behind this, because people are frustrating in general. Very few people understand each other, but the truth is that I don’t feel we need to understand each other, but be open to the fact that there are different views.

That is one thing I have tried my hardest to do, is love and understand him unconditionally. I don’t want him to change, but I don’t want him to cause himself pain. It pains me to see him feel this way, and I don’t want that either. So, it’s hard to want something for someone without placing conditions over them. So, there lies the caveat. Like you said, unconditional acceptance, and remaining happy and stable; it’s not always easy to do when someone is going through this.

Thank you for the recommendation. I will look into metta. 🙂

Matt,

That makes sense. Would it be apropos to ask him if he thinks he’s hurting himself by thinking the way he is? No part of me wants to prove him wrong or right, because I don’t think there is a wrong scenario. I guess I want to help him to the path of thinking about himself in a different light. At the same time of course, I continue to show him how great I think he is. So, no part of me wants to seem demeaning, or as if I think he is wrong.

I didn’t mean that “we can’t understand”. I said “I don’t feel we need to understand each other, but be open to the fact that there are different views.” I guess I am stating understanding as in way of comprehension vs. open to different views as in way of empathizing. If that makes more sense.

Matt,

Yeah, I can see that I need to be gentle. I never want to seem invasive, or arrogant. I also don’t want to “fix”. I just want to help, but I think sometimes that helping and fixing can seem the same. More than anything, I am sure that I need to listen and send positive energy and love. It can just be hard in moments like that, because of how sad it makes me feel at the moment as well. I am trying to learn to uplift myself with energy and still have the strength to spread that feeling to those around me.

Sometimes, it takes a lot of strength to stop trying to absorb the information and how it is making me feel just to stop and take that moment to kiss his cheek. It’s a bit of selfishness (I’m not meaning that towards myself negatively) that I have to break out of at that moment. I mean that I am being selfish because I want cheering up too, but it’s not about me. So, I have to stop and breathe and get back to the fact that he isn’t directing his feelings towards me, but I am absorbing it because I am in his presence. After that, I become aware of the fact that there is no need to be upset by it and that it will pass soon. It all comes with learning and acceptance though, I’m sure.

I get a little frustrated because–I feel–he isn’t thinking about my feelings when he is going through these things. I feel as if I try my hardest to be cognizant of his feelings if I am frustrated or upset. In all reality, thinking that way is a little selfish, because everyone is different and I can’t expect him to be me. This is just an offset of what I talk myself through while in situations like this.

Matt,

He is generally very aware of my feelings and is very sensitive to my needs. So, it’s usually just when he is frustrated that I feel a little disregarded. He doesn’t typically stay in such a mood for long. It’s just hard to see him that way and it makes me feel a little bit helpless. Also, he seems to be frustrated a bit more lately than usual. He was last night as well, but the scenario turned out to be something that I feel now is comical. I was just patient and waited for him to come back around (because as usual the frustration had absolutely nothing to do with me). I think the patience and open-mindedness is something he needs. At least that is what I try to do instinctually. Within that, I find myself trying to contain my hurt on the inside, because I know the situation isn’t about me. It’s just frustrating to see someone let something silly interfere with their night and waste their time, but while I am patient with him, he realizes this.

After we got in bed, he said that he had been in a bad mood all day. I said I was sorry. He said no, I’m sorry. He never yells or really directly takes it out on me, but just seeing him in such a state at times makes me feel like it is slightly inconsiderate to me. That’s what I worry about being selfish. I’m sure the metta will help a lot with that.

As we have mentioned previously, it’s not about fixing them, but empathizing and being there to love and nourish when needed. I have to be very patient. Being with him so far has probably taught me patience more than anything. I don’t want to have that stereotypical thought of trying to fix someone. I just want to be here for him.

Thanks again!