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My boyfriend is great. He doesn't know he is.

HomeForumsRelationshipsMy boyfriend is great. He doesn't know he is.

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  • #41185
    Nicole
    Participant

    My boyfriend is exceptionally hard on himself, like most of us are. He is amazing, thoughtful, creative, sensitive, funny, smart, and handsome. He is a very talented photographer, but hasn’t quite reached the amount of success that he would like to. He knows that it doesn’t happen overnight and that it takes hard work to be recognized. Even I think that his wants and expectations for success aren’t unrealistic. It’s just that for some reason he hasn’t gotten there, just as many of us aren’t quite where we would like to be. I try my hardest to be supportive, to be uplifting, and to not say the most cliché things. I also try to not give him the obvious advice of “just be patient”, “good things come to people who wait”, and other things along those lines. My problem is that I believe he deserves those things, and it breaks my heart that he is hurt about where he is with it. I guess I would just love to have some more to say to him about it. Something that isn’t just advice. I am very much there for him through it and I’m sure he will get there. How do I help him to not be so hard on himself and how do I make it through seeing him this way?

    #41195
    Matt
    Participant

    Nicole,

    You ask some great questions! I really enjoy how you’re trying to help him from his side, and help yourself on your side. What a lucky artist he is to have such a mindful and dedicated partner! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    It is easy to become swept into notions of success and recognition, and lose sight of the art. Real art is an intimate connection between reality, the artist, and the resulting expression. In the audience, some people won’t ever get it, some require time to wrestle with it, and some will see it immediately. That is about them, not about the artist or art. Consider many of the people we consider the most profound artists of history didn’t find material success from their art, and it wasn’t until the world caught up that their genius was recognized.

    This can be depressing, but only if the material success becomes interwoven with the actual art. Said differently, when we let the gentle light of artistic expression glow inside us, the art becomes more than enough to fuel us. Money, career… that works out one way or another. But the expression, the legacy of love we offer to the world through our art is what brings us happiness, and no amount of money replaces that.

    So, in your desire to be a muse, just look deeply into his photography and help remind him of the beauty, what he seems to be saying, what you see… which in turn helps it bloom. Do keep an ear out, because often a muse will find inspiration on how to help the expression of art either inside him or with the outside world…and kismet often helps.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41258
    Nicole
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thank you for all that you said.

    The other day he was so discouraged. Not too long ago, his car got broken into (he had forgotten to lock it the night before) and a few things got stolen. Namely, what was important at that point was the car charger for his camera batteries. He wanted to show me how to use his camera, so I could use it for one of my upcoming shoots. He had forgotten to charge his camera battery the night before. So, out of his frustration, he throws his camera and lenses in the backseat. He goes on to say that it would’ve been a relief if things would’ve broken. All of this was very hard for him and hard for me. Him and I have only been together about 10 months and we are still learning each other. So, while he is doing this, I just get very quiet and listen to him vent. It makes me feel helpless to not be able to help. At the same time, I think just listening is probably the best thing I can do. I waited until he was a little bit less frustrated and leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and said that I was sorry he was so frustrated.

    One of the largest problems is that he doesn’t enjoy his day job. He is underpaid and doesn’t get treated that well. He works extremely hard and knows it is taxing on his body and that he can’t do it forever. He doesn’t want to be famous or rich.

    Just to give you an idea of my past. Like everyone else, I have made a lot of changes in my life thus far. I was a person that I couldn’t be proud of. Every day, I work to move past the regret I feel for doing things that I have done in my past. I have improved a lot in that sense as well. Many people tell me that I have discovered my problems and moved past them extremely fast for my age. So, not only is everything with him different for me. Everything with me is different for me.

    I agree with the fact that no money can replace happiness, but it is frustrating when you have been trying so hard for years and you can’t make any headway. Personally, I haven’t gotten to the point that I am so discouraged by things that I am so frustrated. I don’t know if I will get to that point.

    Him and I work together very well. I do get frustrated with his attitude a lot of times. Him and I have talked about the fact that his attitude may be a lot of his problem. But it’s also sad to say that he can’t be himself if he wants to have the attitude he does with things. He expects a lot from people and sometimes it’s a losing battle. Should he be expecting less? I don’t know if there is a good answer to that. In a way, I feel like he is punishing himself if other people don’t live up to his standards.

    #41262
    Matt
    Participant

    Nicole,

    I’m humbled by your loving view, and I think the kiss on the cheek was perfect. Sometimes its best to silently offer support, rather than try to dive into the spin. Said differently, one thing we learn is to choose our aim, and if we see no target, we can just love.

    As far as expectations go, they are treacherous. Another way of looking at it is: expectations are the attachment we form to the fruit growing from the seed. We plant seeds, and then it is beyond our control. We can provide nourishment, space, weeding… and still the seed won’t grow. Its because the growth isn’t about us. When we expect people to respond in a certain way, we’re harnessing our contentment to the outcome. Said differently, the seed has its own life, its own journey, and owes us no obligation to grow. It just will grow or it will not grow.

    For example, he may submit his photos to a magazine or e-zine and expect them to appreciate his artistry. This is treacherous no matter what the outcome, because if he is rejected, he feels pain. If his expectations are met, his habit of expectation increases, leading to feel more pain during the next rejection.

    So we abandon the cycle, by seeing the seeding itself as all we have control over, and whether it blooms or doesn’t has little to do with us. If the conditions are right, if the soil is right and the timing is right and the nourishment is right, then perhaps the seed will grow. Said differently, he offers his art to an audience, and if the time is right, the audience’s mind open to his message, then the connection will be made. Its something he has no control over.

    The same is true in relationships. People do what they do because they are on their own journey. When we judge their actions based on our values, or assume that they will react a certain way based off our values, we are bound to become frustrated over and over as people remind us of their free will. Instead we try, hope and wish… but whatever comes back we accept. People do things for a reason, conscious or subconscious, and surprise us constantly. Acceptance, as unconditionally as we can muster, is the way to remain happy and stable as the inevitable surprises surface.

    Namaste, sister. I’m happy you’re finding your way, and your wisdom and stability are clearly resonant in your words and view. Do you do a loving kindness meditation? Also called metta. It could help with the mental agitation. You already have a lot of that warmth, but turning your intentions toward such a practice could turn spark to flame, or flame to light.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41265
    Nicole
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thank you! I agree that sometimes just listening, and understanding can be the best. It’s just hard to see him that way. Later, I did mention to him that throwing his camera was pretty counterproductive to his frustrations. He agreed and apologized.

    Many people told me that if you aren’t looking for a significant other, someone will come along. I think this ties in with what we’re saying about expectations. It’s healthy and alright to set goals, but it’s counterintuitive to expect people to see what you see. It’s hard to understand what people see and don’t see. I just feel personally that if I am waiting for people to meet my expectations that I am letting myself down, not that they are letting me down. It’s understandable that there is frustration behind this, because people are frustrating in general. Very few people understand each other, but the truth is that I don’t feel we need to understand each other, but be open to the fact that there are different views.

    That is one thing I have tried my hardest to do, is love and understand him unconditionally. I don’t want him to change, but I don’t want him to cause himself pain. It pains me to see him feel this way, and I don’t want that either. So, it’s hard to want something for someone without placing conditions over them. So, there lies the caveat. Like you said, unconditional acceptance, and remaining happy and stable; it’s not always easy to do when someone is going through this.

    Thank you for the recommendation. I will look into metta. 🙂

    #41268
    Matt
    Participant

    Nicole,

    That quandary about people causing pain for themselves reminds me of what I went through at first. My teacher said that we have to come to respect how suffering isn’t bad, its a teacher. Pain is natures way of alerting us to something going wrong, which we can do with however we choose. Too much energy, in or out, too much pressure, in or out etc. Part of accepting nature is realizing people have to suffer until they figure out the pattern that is hurting them. We can try to help, but its their lesson. If they wish to look, we can try to shed love and light, but that is just our seed of mindfulness.

    Another thing that struck me is “we can’t understand”. I feel that as we come to know ourselves, and heal ourselves, not only do teachers arise which help deepen our understanding of our nature, but the information we perceive carries with it a lot of information. Said differently, as we settle our own attachments, understanding simply arises in us as we dance with reality… either immediately or through teachers we happen across.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41274
    Nicole
    Participant

    Matt,

    That makes sense. Would it be apropos to ask him if he thinks he’s hurting himself by thinking the way he is? No part of me wants to prove him wrong or right, because I don’t think there is a wrong scenario. I guess I want to help him to the path of thinking about himself in a different light. At the same time of course, I continue to show him how great I think he is. So, no part of me wants to seem demeaning, or as if I think he is wrong.

    I didn’t mean that “we can’t understand”. I said “I don’t feel we need to understand each other, but be open to the fact that there are different views.” I guess I am stating understanding as in way of comprehension vs. open to different views as in way of empathizing. If that makes more sense.

    #41277
    Matt
    Participant

    Nicole,

    I think that any light you wish shed will have to be gentle, on your side and contextual. For instance, if he is not suffering, and you say “so I’ve been thinking about your patterns” in any phrasing, not appropriate. If he is suffering, and vents it, you could invite him by saying “that sounds painful, I think i see something that might help, would you like to hear it?” If he says yes, then perhaps “I wonder if part of what hurts is…” or “It reminds me of a story…” or whatever comes to heart in that moment. We can become instruments of divine love when we let go and just flow with the situation without needing to fix others, or being disturbed by their pain… and just letting whatever arises come out.

    Your “empathy vs understanding” is well observed. In that language, what I mean is that as we let go of our view and flow into the situation, our empathy opens, which allows the understanding of the tangles in the relationship between their view and their actions, and what to do with the information. There are many stories of zen teachers who hold up a finger, place shoes on their head, or all sorts of “unusual” things which strike the mind of another in just such a way that it brings about clarity. Kiss on the cheek, sticking your tongue out, or a vibrant hug… follow the inspiration whatever it might be, because who knows! 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41278
    Nicole
    Participant

    Matt,

    Yeah, I can see that I need to be gentle. I never want to seem invasive, or arrogant. I also don’t want to “fix”. I just want to help, but I think sometimes that helping and fixing can seem the same. More than anything, I am sure that I need to listen and send positive energy and love. It can just be hard in moments like that, because of how sad it makes me feel at the moment as well. I am trying to learn to uplift myself with energy and still have the strength to spread that feeling to those around me.

    Sometimes, it takes a lot of strength to stop trying to absorb the information and how it is making me feel just to stop and take that moment to kiss his cheek. It’s a bit of selfishness (I’m not meaning that towards myself negatively) that I have to break out of at that moment. I mean that I am being selfish because I want cheering up too, but it’s not about me. So, I have to stop and breathe and get back to the fact that he isn’t directing his feelings towards me, but I am absorbing it because I am in his presence. After that, I become aware of the fact that there is no need to be upset by it and that it will pass soon. It all comes with learning and acceptance though, I’m sure.

    I get a little frustrated because–I feel–he isn’t thinking about my feelings when he is going through these things. I feel as if I try my hardest to be cognizant of his feelings if I am frustrated or upset. In all reality, thinking that way is a little selfish, because everyone is different and I can’t expect him to be me. This is just an offset of what I talk myself through while in situations like this.

    #41279
    Matt
    Participant

    Nicole,

    It takes much more mental awareness to consider others’ feelings in the middle of our own painfulness. Perhaps he doesn’t consider your feelings when he is caught in his own. That it more about his strength (unless he is habitually insensitive to your side) than anything to do with you. Stabilizing your own heart with metta will probably help a lot with that. Its a lot easier to smile and hug when we’re well nourished. Much like a hungry chef might become resentful of her clients, because they all get to eat while she is busy cooking. Metta practice is the self nurturing equivalent. Remaining self sufficient frees us to not take their turbulent emotions personally (either by making it about us or resenting the absence of warmth in them).

    If he is habitually ignoring you, then there might be some codependency patterns of caretaking and so forth. Outside of his struggles, is he open, caring and attentive? Its fine and noble to help our partner, but its quite another to have a relationship with them that is based on helping them. Said differently, you seem quite delightful and deserve an intimacy that is based on sharing and affection, rather than helping.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41288
    Nicole
    Participant

    Matt,

    He is generally very aware of my feelings and is very sensitive to my needs. So, it’s usually just when he is frustrated that I feel a little disregarded. He doesn’t typically stay in such a mood for long. It’s just hard to see him that way and it makes me feel a little bit helpless. Also, he seems to be frustrated a bit more lately than usual. He was last night as well, but the scenario turned out to be something that I feel now is comical. I was just patient and waited for him to come back around (because as usual the frustration had absolutely nothing to do with me). I think the patience and open-mindedness is something he needs. At least that is what I try to do instinctually. Within that, I find myself trying to contain my hurt on the inside, because I know the situation isn’t about me. It’s just frustrating to see someone let something silly interfere with their night and waste their time, but while I am patient with him, he realizes this.

    After we got in bed, he said that he had been in a bad mood all day. I said I was sorry. He said no, I’m sorry. He never yells or really directly takes it out on me, but just seeing him in such a state at times makes me feel like it is slightly inconsiderate to me. That’s what I worry about being selfish. I’m sure the metta will help a lot with that.

    As we have mentioned previously, it’s not about fixing them, but empathizing and being there to love and nourish when needed. I have to be very patient. Being with him so far has probably taught me patience more than anything. I don’t want to have that stereotypical thought of trying to fix someone. I just want to be here for him.

    Thanks again!

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