Dear StormMako:

I hope that you fully recover from the surgery and the complication!

“My mom kept my boyfriend up to date as best as she could. He’s in another city for work for 3 days (and left the day after my surgery) and I’ve barely spoken to him… I know he’s busy with meetings and meeting new people. I know he is so overwhelmed yet I feel so abandoned… He’s my world and he’s so incredibly loyal“- try to look at the situation from different angles, to consider possibilities you didn’t think of:

Is it possible that your boyfriend expressed his anxiety about your post-surgery situation to your mother, maybe repeatedly, and she calmed him down so that he can focus on this very important work-related travel, for the benefit of his career (and for your benefit, if you live with him, or marry him)?

If so, from your point of view so far, he was indifferent to your post-surgery situation, but from his point of view, he was not indifferent, it’s just that he didn’t talk about it with you.

He left the day after your surgery. Was it before a post-surgery complication became evident? If so, maybe your mother didn’t tell him about the complication, so that he can focus on his work. It might be that she minimized the complication and told him that you were being taken care of very well, so to ease his anxiety.

It’s possible that he sent you messages through your mother, telling her to tell you tat he loves you, etc.

“Am I just overreacting? Am I asking too much? Am I playing the victim too much in my head here?“- I don’t think you are asking too much, but not having enough information about the situation from his point of view, you are making assumptions that may be incorrect.

You wrote that it’s the first time he travels for work. This travel may be very important for his career and for his relationship with you. So, it may be that he is anxious about his career-success or failure, while you are anxious about your post-surgery situation and about your worry that he doesn’t care.

When we are anxious, we don’t do our best thinking: we focus on one thing, one corner of the picture, and ignore other things (not seeing the whole picture).

If he is ignoring you at this time, temporarily, it may be forgivable (if he was assured that you are in no danger)..?

“I don’t know what to do.“- I would wait until he returns from his travel, if I was you, before I express to him your feeling abandoned, etc., so that he can indeed focus on his work.

anita

Dear StormMako:

I will reply further later, maybe as late as tomorrow, but for now, in regard to: “I still feel guilty for feeling“- there is no real, or valid guilt in feeling anything. Whatever you feel now, or felt then, is not a matter of your choice. No Choice = No Guilt.

What we say and do is subject to choice, not what we feel.

“What is your advice for feeling guilty about something as silly as this situation?”- you did not say or do anything wrong. Rest in this fact, best you can.

(I used to feel guilty about anything and everything because my mother raised me on guilt, guilt-tripping me on a regular basis).

anita