Home→Forums→Relationships→My boyfriend is traveling & I had surgery. I feel abandoned
- This topic has 8 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 6 days ago by
anita.
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August 16, 2024 at 7:52 am #436249
StormMako
ParticipantSo I recently just went through a surgery which ended up with a complication. I was transferred to a new hospital and looked after for pain management. My mom kept my boyfriend up to date as best as she could.
He’s in another city for work for 3 days (and left the day after my surgery) and I’ve barely spoken to him or had a check up from him. This is the first time he’s travelled for work… I know he’s busy with meetings and meeting new people. I know he is so overwhelmed yet I feel so abandoned.
I haven’t been able to call him or even message him without a proper reply – keep in mind that normally we talk every single day and he always checks up on me. I feel like he’s more worried about his work life than me, but at the same time I don’t want to act victim.
He’s my world and he’s so incredibly loyal ( we have been dating over 1 year). I just want some recognition from him or at least some sort of proper check up… I miss him so much and all I need right now is some reassurance through my recovery.
Am I just overreacting? Am I asking too much? Am I playing the victim too much in my head here?
I don’t know what to do.
August 16, 2024 at 10:15 am #436267anita
ParticipantDear StormMako:
I hope that you fully recover from the surgery and the complication!
“My mom kept my boyfriend up to date as best as she could. He’s in another city for work for 3 days (and left the day after my surgery) and I’ve barely spoken to him… I know he’s busy with meetings and meeting new people. I know he is so overwhelmed yet I feel so abandoned… He’s my world and he’s so incredibly loyal“- try to look at the situation from different angles, to consider possibilities you didn’t think of:
Is it possible that your boyfriend expressed his anxiety about your post-surgery situation to your mother, maybe repeatedly, and she calmed him down so that he can focus on this very important work-related travel, for the benefit of his career (and for your benefit, if you live with him, or marry him)?
If so, from your point of view so far, he was indifferent to your post-surgery situation, but from his point of view, he was not indifferent, it’s just that he didn’t talk about it with you.
He left the day after your surgery. Was it before a post-surgery complication became evident? If so, maybe your mother didn’t tell him about the complication, so that he can focus on his work. It might be that she minimized the complication and told him that you were being taken care of very well, so to ease his anxiety.
It’s possible that he sent you messages through your mother, telling her to tell you tat he loves you, etc.
“Am I just overreacting? Am I asking too much? Am I playing the victim too much in my head here?“- I don’t think you are asking too much, but not having enough information about the situation from his point of view, you are making assumptions that may be incorrect.
You wrote that it’s the first time he travels for work. This travel may be very important for his career and for his relationship with you. So, it may be that he is anxious about his career-success or failure, while you are anxious about your post-surgery situation and about your worry that he doesn’t care.
When we are anxious, we don’t do our best thinking: we focus on one thing, one corner of the picture, and ignore other things (not seeing the whole picture).
If he is ignoring you at this time, temporarily, it may be forgivable (if he was assured that you are in no danger)..?
“I don’t know what to do.“- I would wait until he returns from his travel, if I was you, before I express to him your feeling abandoned, etc., so that he can indeed focus on his work.
anita
August 16, 2024 at 1:17 pm #436275StormMako
ParticipantThank you for the reply.
My mom did tell him complications happened and I saw the messages sent – it was more so informing him and not easing him. She also sugar coated it. He’s also not comfortable talking about his emotions with other people except for me.
I spoke to him finally today (2 days after my surgery) and I broke down because I finally got to talk to him. We are both very much involved with each others emotions and this week has been very disconnected. For context I don’t have a big family and I don’t have a very trustful or emotional connection with my mom, so he is so important to me.
I feel guilty that I expected more from him when he is obviously very overwhelmed. I told him the full story today and it felt so relieving to get off my chest. He’s made more of an effort to speak to me today.
I still feel guilty for feeling abandoned yet understanding his situation. Anxiety really does blur the whole picture.
What is your advice for feeling guilty about something as silly as this situation?
August 16, 2024 at 1:40 pm #436276anita
ParticipantDear StormMako:
I will reply further later, maybe as late as tomorrow, but for now, in regard to: “I still feel guilty for feeling“- there is no real, or valid guilt in feeling anything. Whatever you feel now, or felt then, is not a matter of your choice. No Choice = No Guilt.
What we say and do is subject to choice, not what we feel.
“What is your advice for feeling guilty about something as silly as this situation?”- you did not say or do anything wrong. Rest in this fact, best you can.
(I used to feel guilty about anything and everything because my mother raised me on guilt, guilt-tripping me on a regular basis).
anita
August 17, 2024 at 7:22 am #436299anita
ParticipantDear StrormMako:
I am glad that you finally talked to your boyfriend and that he made more of an effort to talk to you yesterday. I hope that your boyfriend will not be regularly traveling for work.
How are you feeling today?
“My boyfriend is traveling & I had surgery. I feel abandoned… I know he is so overwhelmed yet I feel so abandoned… I don’t have a very trustful or emotional connection with my mom, so he is so important to me“- I think that earlier in your life, you lost trust in your mother (to whom you were very much emotionally attached) because in some meaningful way, or ways, she abandoned you and betrayed your trust.
Fast forward, in your vulnerable state post-surgery, your boyfriend (to whom you are very emotionally attached) travels for work, and your past painful abandonment experience awakened in the present time.
“He’s my world… I miss him so much… Am I playing the victim too much in my head here?… I feel guilty that I expected more from him when he is obviously very overwhelmed… I still feel guilty for feeling abandoned… Anxiety really does blur the whole picture“- (1) I think that much of your anxiety is about the awakened abandonment experience, (2) that feelings of guilt from your childhood also awakened, (3) perhaps your mother portrayed herself as a victim, and you don’t want to be like her in context of your relationship with your boyfriend..?
anita
August 19, 2024 at 11:11 am #436371StormMako
ParticipantThank you for the response.
I am feeling much better. A lot of childhood trauma and life lessons happened over the last couple days. What you say is very accurate and my boyfriend is my only stable emotional pillar now ( which in itself is a problem sometimes).
I am always feeling guilty about stuff that I shouldn’t and changing my way of thinking is difficult especially when I’m always so worried about inconveniencing someone.
But I have a better perspective now and I thank you for that 🙏
August 19, 2024 at 11:45 am #436373anita
ParticipantDear StormMako:
You are welcome, and thank you (!) for responding positively and with gratitude to my post of 2 days ago, even though I brought up childhood trauma, which is painful.
“I am always feeling guilty about stuff that I shouldn’t and changing my way of thinking is difficult especially when I’m always so worried about inconveniencing someone“- if it helps (if it does), you are welcome to type away your feelings in regard to inconveniencing people: does it feel like walking on eggshells, hardly being able to relax and .. just be yourself?
anita
August 22, 2024 at 6:20 am #436491StormMako
ParticipantGood day
If anything it is a good thing that you brought it up. I have learnt so much in the last week.
In terms of eggshells and not relaxing … Yes all the time
Storm
August 22, 2024 at 9:54 am #436497anita
ParticipantDear Storm:
Good day to you too! “In terms of eggshells and not relaxing.. Yes all the time“- I am guessing that it’s the way you grew up, walking on eggshells, and it became a habit.
I grew up walking on eggshells, never knowing when and where something I said or didn’t say (but should have said, according to my mother)/ when and where an expression on my face would be the wrong expression (in her mind), never knowing when her next explosion of histrionic poor-me displays were going to take place, where she will blame me for hurting her feelings and making her miserable. It was a horrible way to live, day in and day out!
anita
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