Home→Forums→Relationships→My boyfriend with other people
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December 15, 2022 at 10:29 am #411865
SaraParticipantMy boyfriend and I love each other very much. However we’ve been together for about 9 months and are still learning about each other. He’s a great guy. Emotionally available. Kind. Caring.
He wants me to meet his friends and hang out with them. I don’t know why or what’s wrong with me but I completely don’t want to. I do have a social anxiety around this issue. I don’t know why.
He has said things that have embarrassed/mortified me in front of his family/friends. One of them asked if I was going to their party (I’d planned not to, I wasn’t comfortable for a few reasons). My bf answered for me. Didnt even let me answer.He said “No, she’s too scared.” I was mortified. That’s not something I want known.
I almost broke up with him. I was so upset. I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know why stuff like that bothers me. It really does though. He knows how upset I was and felt really bad. He said he’s not good at social stuff sometimes. And it’s not something that would have bothered him and he was trying to be funny. I just could not believe he didn’t realize this would hurt me. But there it is.
He is trying. I just don’t want to keep getting hurt. I love him a LOT and I don’t want to break up. But I also don’t want to hang out with his friends right now. There’s something about it that makes me sad. And anxious. And put off.
We are older, btw. 30s and 40s.
This is the first happy healthy relationship I’ve had. But I also don’t think I can change my issues. I don’t know how. I don’t know if I can change years of trauma, anxiety, for this. I’ve cried before mtg his friends. They’re nice enough. But it’s not for me. I want my own friends.
I’m just really sad. And worried. Bc I don’t want to break up. And I worry it might come to that someday. 🙁
December 15, 2022 at 7:19 pm #411879
AnonymousGuestDear Sara:
I would like to reply further tomorrow, but for now, it seems like your boyfriend is a decent guy, it’s just that he is not perfect. But then, no one is perfect. All of us people suffer from anxiety, to one extent or another, and we all make mistakes (more when anxious). When I learned to no longer be alarmed by imperfections in others, and instead, to accept and expect it .. from myself and from others, I experienced more peace within myself and in relationships with others.
anita
December 16, 2022 at 11:16 am #411899AnonymousGuestDear Sara:
“My boyfriend.. is a great guy. Emotionally available. Kind. Caring… This is the first happy healthy relationship I’ve had“- excellent!
“I do have social anxiety… He has said things that have embarrassed/mortified me in front of his family/friends. One of them asked if I was going to their party… My bf answered for me. Didn’t even let me answer. He said ‘No, she’s too scared.’ I was mortified. That’s not something I want known.. his friends (are) nice enough“- if it wasn’t for you feeling mortified, the answer he volunteered wouldn’t have been a bad thing because what he said was true, and because your social anxiety/ reaction to his friends should- in a supportive environment (and it seems that it is, since his friends are nice enough)- be known, for the purpose of figuring it out and resolving it.
Your boyfriend may have tried to help you when he answered for you; maybe he hoped that his friends will help you feel better, if they knew about your difficulty.
“He knows how upset I was and felt really bad. He said he’s not good at social stuff sometimes. And it’s not something that would have bothered him and he was trying to be funny“- like I wrote to you yesterday, no one is perfect and no one acts perfectly at all times, so you have to give your boyfriend some leeway.
“I just could not believe he didn’t realize this would hurt me… I don’t know if I can change years of trauma, anxiety“- if there is no healing of significance from your years of trauma, then you will continue to feel hurt no matter what your boyfriend says- or doesn’t say… even if he was as close to perfect as humanly possible!
“I also don’t want to hang out with his friends right now. There’s something about it that makes me sad. And anxious. And put off… I’ve cried before mtg his friends. They’re nice enough. But it’s not for me. I want my own friends“- the something about it that makes you sad may be that being with your boyfriend and his friends causes you to re-experience the acute alone-ness and loneliness of your life, and maybe you feel kind of jealous, envious of their closeness to each other. Do you think there is truth to this?
anita
December 18, 2022 at 9:15 am #412064
pink24ParticipantHi Sara,
It seems you see that your boyfriend sells you out. I mean, that one time you cited with his family, there were other ways to handle that question. He could have said, “She’s not free. She has a thing” instead of telling them you were scard. He doesn’t have your back. He sells you out, and tries to make a joke out of it at your expense. Not cool.
And the thing is, when you bring it up to him, he sells you out again by making it about him instead of you. He’s not you–if he wouldn’t be bothered by such a thing, who cares?
He doesnt’ have your back in really simple ways. Death by a thousand cuts, I fear. SO, maybe bring it up to him in this manner? I wouldn’t give him more than a year though. You guys aren’t 20, you know?
Good luck,
Pink 🙂
December 22, 2022 at 4:32 pm #412443AnonymousGuestHow are you, Sara?
anita
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