Dear JJ:

You shared that your boyfriend, who struggles with depression, used to have a friend whom he referred to as his “best friend”,  who talked behind people’s backs, was “very opportunistic” and used your boyfriend, not even visiting your boyfriend when he spent some time in the hospital. When your boyfriend expressed to you doubts about the friendship, you told him that the friend “wasn’t very reliable”. You also told your boyfriend, “that someone that speaks behind other people’s back and is mean, is probably going to speak behind my back”. You didn’t want to take a stronger stand against the (very faulty) friendship, because you “wanted that to be his decision”.

The two of them had a fallout last April, and “it was nice to not hear anything about this drama anymore”. Two months later, your boyfriend’s ex texted you: “‘did you know your bf tells people he misses me’ among other things that I think were private of my relationship”. You told your boyfriend about it and he said that it’s probably his former friend (who is friends with his ex) who was responsible for this text. Following that, you and your boyfriend “decided to block this guy and move on with our lives”.

Yesterday, this guy (no longer blocked) texted your boyfriend, “asking him why he had  been blocked.. acting like the fallout never happened”. Next, your boyfriend started to ask you “if he had done wrong at blocking this guy… second guessing if he did the right thing at blocking him”. You are frustrated by your boyfriend’s lack of clarity about this friend, or former friend. You wish to tell the guy to not discuss your relationship with his friend/ your boyfriend’s ex, but feel that “this isn’t my place and I don’t feel  like telling my bf what to do, I just don’t want to add more pressure… ultimately is his decision and I cannot do anything about it. If you have any insight can you please help?”

My insight: “ultimately is his decision and I cannot do anything about it”- I think that if your boyfriend’s decision is to remain your boyfriend and continue his partnership with you (if he is not second guessing himself on this front), then it is not his decision alone, to continue or not his friendship with this man, but a combined decision: yours and his (just like the two of you decided together, earlier,  to block this guy).

I believe it should be a decision the two of you make, because his so called friend’s behavior does not negatively affect your boyfriend alone; it negatively affects your boyfriend and you. You wrote that you don’t want to add pressure to your boyfriend’s life, but his so called friend is adding pressure to his life. You can help your struggling boyfriend remove pressure in his life by making a decision together, regarding this guy and on other matters.

Reads like your boyfriend needs more of your help, and a healthy relationship between two people happens when the two help each other, making the relationship a Win-Win (unlike the Win-Lose relationship between this guy and your boyfriend).

You are welcome to respond to my post to you.

anita

Dear JJ:

You are welcome. What you told your boyfriend reads perfect to me, except for this part: “I also said that I would respect if he wants to give him a second chance, but that I think he cannot discuss me or our relationship with him at all”-  from what you shared, this guy is not trustworthy, so suggesting to your boyfriend to give a man who is not worthy of trust a second chance- is not a good suggestion.

I am glad your boyfriend didn’t take that suggestion, and instead agreed with the rest of what you said, and that he doesn’t want to be friends with him.

My suggestion: your thinking is excellent, it is logical, reasonable, consistent and thorough, and it deserves more of your confidence. Your boyfriend needs you to be more confident in making choices that affect the two of you, so to fill in the holes for him when he second guesses himself.

anita

You are welcome, JJ. Post again anytime you need to.

anita