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My boyfriend’s friend

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  • #367239
    JJ
    Participant

    Hello guys,

    I need some help. Short long story is… my bf used to have a friend that was very fake (he was always talking behind people’s back), he was very opportunistic and was always asking for bf to help him, but he never really showed up for my bf when he was needed. I always had a bad feeling about him but never said anything because I wanted that to be his decision, I listened to all my bf’s doubts about this friendship and just expressed that I thought the guy wasn’t very reliable. Time passed and they had a fallout early around April, I know it was hard for my bf because he felt he lost someone he used to call his best friend. I was supportive and during that time I also held my opinion. The one thing I did mention was that someone what speaks behind other people’s back and is mean, is probably going to speak behind my back. But I guess my bf was somehow naive and kept giving this guy a chance.

     

    Anyways, after that, it was nice to not hear anything about this drama anymore. I realized it was a bad friendship, this friend was always asking for favors and my bf would try everything to make his friend happy. My bf, started to nourish other friends that are way better friends with him. A couple of months after that, I heard from my bf’s ex. She somehow found my cellphone and texted me this “did you know your bf tells people he misses me”, among other things that I think were private of my relationship. I spoke with my bf about it and he told me it was probably his friend because this friend happens to be friend’s with his ex. I didn’t know and knowing this I told him, I prefer that we don’t talk to this guy anymore. I really think he gave this woman my number and that he probably was telling her about my relationship which really hurt me and my bf as well. We both decided to block this guy and move on with our lives, but I know my bf was still upset about this.

    The friend in question, texted my bf this morning asking him why he had been blocked and acting like nothing ever happened. He never reached out to my bf even after he spent some time at the hospital, but he reached out now that he learned he has been blocked asking “why am I blocked?” and acting like the fallout never happened or like he had no idea they weren’t on speaking terms.

    My bf struggles with depression and this immediately made him second guess himself, he started asking me if he had done wrong at blocking this guy. I honestly just listened, offered my support in whatever he wanted to do. But I am frustrated that he cannot see he hasn’t done anything wrong and that he is being gaslighted by this guy. I wish I could tell this guy that I wish he would not comment on my relationship with my bf’s ex, because is private and ours. But this isn’t my place and I don’t feel like telling my bf what to do, I just don’t want to add more pressure. All I know is that my bf feels very lost, not knowing what to say to this text and second guessing if he did the right thing at blocking him. I prefer they don’t speak again, the fact that this guy is friend’s with my bf’s ex makes me really uncomfortable, but ultimately is his decision and I cannot do anything about it.

     

    If you have any insight can you please help?

    Thank you!!

    JJ

    #367255
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JJ:

    I am looking forward to read and reply to you when I am back to the computer, in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    #367275
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JJ:

    You shared that your boyfriend, who struggles with depression, used to have a friend whom he referred to as his “best friend”,  who talked behind people’s backs, was “very opportunistic” and used your boyfriend, not even visiting your boyfriend when he spent some time in the hospital. When your boyfriend expressed to you doubts about the friendship, you told him that the friend “wasn’t very reliable”. You also told your boyfriend, “that someone that speaks behind other people’s back and is mean, is probably going to speak behind my back”. You didn’t want to take a stronger stand against the (very faulty) friendship, because you “wanted that to be his decision”.

    The two of them had a fallout last April, and “it was nice to not hear anything about this drama anymore”. Two months later, your boyfriend’s ex texted you: “‘did you know your bf tells people he misses me’ among other things that I think were private of my relationship”. You told your boyfriend about it and he said that it’s probably his former friend (who is friends with his ex) who was responsible for this text. Following that, you and your boyfriend “decided to block this guy and move on with our lives”.

    Yesterday, this guy (no longer blocked) texted your boyfriend, “asking him why he had  been blocked.. acting like the fallout never happened”. Next, your boyfriend started to ask you “if he had done wrong at blocking this guy… second guessing if he did the right thing at blocking him”. You are frustrated by your boyfriend’s lack of clarity about this friend, or former friend. You wish to tell the guy to not discuss your relationship with his friend/ your boyfriend’s ex, but feel that “this isn’t my place and I don’t feel  like telling my bf what to do, I just don’t want to add more pressure… ultimately is his decision and I cannot do anything about it. If you have any insight can you please help?”

    My insight: “ultimately is his decision and I cannot do anything about it”- I think that if your boyfriend’s decision is to remain your boyfriend and continue his partnership with you (if he is not second guessing himself on this front), then it is not his decision alone, to continue or not his friendship with this man, but a combined decision: yours and his (just like the two of you decided together, earlier,  to block this guy).

    I believe it should be a decision the two of you make, because his so called friend’s behavior does not negatively affect your boyfriend alone; it negatively affects your boyfriend and you. You wrote that you don’t want to add pressure to your boyfriend’s life, but his so called friend is adding pressure to his life. You can help your struggling boyfriend remove pressure in his life by making a decision together, regarding this guy and on other matters.

    Reads like your boyfriend needs more of your help, and a healthy relationship between two people happens when the two help each other, making the relationship a Win-Win (unlike the Win-Lose relationship between this guy and your boyfriend).

    You are welcome to respond to my post to you.

    anita

     

     

     

     

    #367276
    JJ
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for the insight. I will try and help him more. Last night we had a conversation about it, I told him that I felt it wasn’t fair that the friend just showed up not taking into accountability what had gone wrong earlier in April. I also told him we do not need toxic people in our lives. I told him if this person makes you feel anxious just by receiving a text, is not looking like a healthy person for you. I expressed that when I get a message from an old friend I usually feel happy, if I feel unhappy is obviously because that person isn’t aligned with me and my values. He agreed and thanked me for my insight. I also said that I would respect if he wants to give him a second chance, but that I think he cannot discuss me or our relationship with him at all. My bf then told me he doesn’t want to be friend’s with this person anymore and that he is thinking of not even replying to his text. He remains blocked, he actually texted my bf from his wife’s phone. We worked out and I really hope this person is no longer a part of our lives.

    thank you!

    #367278
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JJ:

    You are welcome. What you told your boyfriend reads perfect to me, except for this part: “I also said that I would respect if he wants to give him a second chance, but that I think he cannot discuss me or our relationship with him at all”-  from what you shared, this guy is not trustworthy, so suggesting to your boyfriend to give a man who is not worthy of trust a second chance- is not a good suggestion.

    I am glad your boyfriend didn’t take that suggestion, and instead agreed with the rest of what you said, and that he doesn’t want to be friends with him.

    My suggestion: your thinking is excellent, it is logical, reasonable, consistent and thorough, and it deserves more of your confidence. Your boyfriend needs you to be more confident in making choices that affect the two of you, so to fill in the holes for him when he second guesses himself.

    anita

    #367284
    JJ
    Participant

    Hi!

    Agree! I do need to be more confident. I am just trying for him to trust his decisions more. Thank you!

    #367286
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, JJ. Post again anytime you need to.

    anita

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