Dear Katie:

I think that you shouldn’t concern yourself (if you can) with whether his mother likes you or not. The real issue, I believe, is that your boyfriend is in trouble and has been in trouble for a long time.

His mother’s aggressive behavior toward him is something he probably grew up with and that hurt and harmed him. For as long as you are your boyfriend’s girlfriend, support him in his struggle with his aggressive mother. Don’t try to befriend her, be on your boyfriend’s side. Support him.

He needs a woman to support him; be that woman for him.

anita

Hi Katie,

It looks like you are in good hands, but I wanted to reply, as I feel I can relate and share my experience, and why you should re-evaluate your relationship. As long as you have a relationship with this man, unfortunately, you will have to deal with his Mother indefinitely. He sounds he is very influenced by her and what she thinks and says. I don’t think he should have texted you in the first place saying “My mother talked badly of you”. This is very negative and opening a can of worms. I would have texted or called him back and said “is there a reason, you feel the need to tell me this?”. If he starts in on what she says, he is spreading gossip, it is malicious, a form of making you feel bad about yourself and you get caught up in drama and misery/stress. Your relationship takes a back seat, because now the relationship becomes “about her” and this will continue as long as he too, is in a relationship with her, you will have to deal with her, gossiping, drama..is this what you want? I wouldn’t want this.

I had the same thing happen. I was so excited. I took a trip with an ex from Seattle to Alaska for Christmas to meet his parents. His stepfather was nice enough, but his Mom stayed at home. I brought her a Christmas gift which she grabbed and opened right away. Her response? “Just what I need, something fattening”. The whole trip was emotionally draining and exhausting. No matter how nice I was, she went out of her way to make a snide comment to me. I begged my boyfriend, if we could go to a hotel, he just defended his Mother. I knew, that as long as I had a relationship with him, I would have to always “deal” with her. I don’t like it when someone does not like me, it is too stressful, especially my boyfriend’s mother. I even heard them gossiping about me after I got back from a walk. Then she admonished me saying I was not wearing proper clothing for Alaska weather, when I had a heavy coat, gloves, hat, scarf on..nothing was ever good enough. I knew if I were to marry him, her dysfunction, were to carry over to him, and I wanted no part of it. We broke up shortly therafter, after arriving in Seattle. Worst Christmas of my life. Please think long and hard about your relationship, as it will be with his dysfunctional mother too.

Dear Katie:

If your boyfriend is aggressive toward you still, if he hits you, if he yells at you, if he calls you names, if he breaks things in front of you, if he jokingly puts you down (indirect aggression), etc., then end the relationship.

If he is not aggressive with you and you choose to be in a relationship with him, then support him, not his mother. Be on his side, not on his mother’s side.

It is impossible for a child to not be affected by an aggressive parent. It is a law of physics, that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. His mother was aggressive toward him, that is the action. The reaction is him getting hurt and angry. She was the perpetrator in his life and he was her victim.

So understand his anger (for as long as it is not turned abusively toward you), as not something inherently bad about him, but a reaction to an action, a natural development not of his choosing. And help him… for as long as you choose to be with him.

anita

Testing

Dear Katie:

Reading your last few posts, seems to me that ending the relationship is probably a good idea for you. You describe a negative affect that this relationship has on you. And you are correct about him changing his behavior, referring to it as something not possible or not easy to do.

When you told him you were leaving him, he felt fear and that fear motivated him to be attentive to you and not controlling. Then his mother gave him more of her negative input, his distress is revived and that leads to the old behavior. Changing, for him, would require, as I see it, that he no longer lives with his mother and that he is no longer in contact with her, and then, he will need quality psychotherapy. Therapy will take months at the least, after he is no longer in contact with his mother.

Because you are already suffering as a result of this relationship and because there is no reasonable hope, at this point, for improvement and healing on his part, better extricate yourself from the situation.

anita