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My close friends found new friends during my depression. How should I ha

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  • This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Lara.
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  • April 4, 2019 at 5:59 pm #287637
    JYK
    Participant

    I am a 22yr old that suffers from major depressive disorder.

    So in September last year, I had an episode. In the past, I would just isolate myself from the people around me and end up losing my friends. This time round, for the very 1st time, I decided to try an active approach by opening up to my college clique abt it.

    Being my 1st time, it still wasn’t easy. I still kept to myself most of the time but I tried my best to hung out w them on my good days, although there were times that it didn’t turn out so good cos I made the environment so awkward. There were also times that I kinda pushed them away when they wanted to help.

    Fast forward to January this yr, I got better but I also realized our friendship had faded, probably due to how I behaved the past few months. So I sat down w them and had a conversation abt this and also apologized for what Ive done. They told me they didn’t have much experience dealing w ppl who had depression, so they themselves didn’t really know how to behave. End of the day, they assured me we were still friends. Case closed, or so I thought.

    During this period, they’ve gotten closer to some of the other ppl in my class and hung out pretty often. So now, I don’t get invited out anymore. And to make things worse, since we are all in the same class, everyday I have to see them together.

    But the thing is i don’t blame them. I was the one that pushed them away. Plus it’s their own life. They get to choose who they want to be friends with. And to be honest, they seem to have a lot more fun with the new bunch. It’s as if they’ve found their true friends, and I as their friend should be happy for them. I understand we’re still friends, just not the kind that hangs out tgt. We’re just not a clique anymore. I understand that’s just how friendships are: ever-changing.

    But I still can’t help but to feel like absolute shit. I feel frustrated, as if my friends were taken away from me. I feel sad, as if I’ve lost them. I feel miserable every time I see them and negative thoughts are starting to surface. I’m actively dealing w this thoughts so I dont get another full-blown episode. I am so afraid that the cycle repeats itself and Ill lose them for real this time.

    Any advice on how to stop feeling like this? Will taking time away from them help?

    April 5, 2019 at 7:58 am #287671
    John Litton
    Participant

    If it helps, this happens to older adults too. I did much the same thing following a rather great tragedy. I became depressed, isolated, pushed people away at the exact moment I needed them most. Now with some distance, I see and understand what happened and I feel horrible about it.

    So, I set up my plan. I got on MEETUP.COM and found some meetup dinners and activities. I have new acquaintances, not friends yet, but some acquaintances. I like the outdoors so I now volunteer at an outdoor center, more acquaintances. I set a goal to run a half marathon, self improvement at 62. I began a spiritual quest, visiting ashrams, Buddhist Centers and churches, more acquaintances. I set another goal, to meet 100 new people by end of May. The rule of thumb is 10:1, meet 10, find 1 friend. I joined a biking club, more acquaintances. I keep up on my meds and began finding sites, like this with a community.

    It stinks at any age to start over. The trick is to do one thing then another and another but, it won’t get any better unless you become an active participant of your solution. Just keep trying and trying, and trying. You can do it if a 62 year old guy can do it.

    April 5, 2019 at 10:25 am #287779
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JYK:

    I was diagnosed myself at one point, and for the duration of many years, with “major depressive disorder”. What I learned, looking back, is that original mental troubles that are not resolved grow over time to bigger and bigger troubles, like a ball of mud going down a hill, gathering more and more mud, growing bigger and bigger as it rolls down the hill.

    I figured certain troubles brought about your depression, and that depression grew to major depression. Most recently you lost a few friends, as a result  of your depression, and you feel badly about  that, so the ball of mud, so to speak grows bigger as you suffer the consequences of your depression.

    My advice is that you stop that ball from rolling down that hill, growing bigger. Make peace with your current diagnosis (it may very well change, I no longer fit the diagnosis, not for many years), accept that there are causes and consequences involved in it, attend psychotherapy so to examine the original troubles leading to your depression, and do your best to heal.

    anita

    April 9, 2019 at 10:22 am #288301
    Lara
    Participant

    Dear JYK,

    it sounds like you feel isolated right now, I am sorry, I know how that feels, especially in a class situation it sucks. Have you tried reconnecting with your friends again? E.g. when they stand together with their new friends, just join the group? Or invite one of them to hang out? Or are there other people in your class that might be potential friends?

    Are there clubs at your college you might join to meet new people?

     

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