Dear Happi:

What is stopping you from ending this relationship, wouldn’t it be for the best, for you? Your parents will not approve of him (a very serious issue in your culture) and you don’t approve of him.

If you do not approve of him, why bother?

anita

Also if he keeps communicating with you in your break, how are you supposed to think about things without anger or bias? don’t keep in constant touch for now.

From what you have said, I think in your situation, it will be best to give the relationship a try when your emotions don’t overpower you. Right now, that is the case. If you don’t mind me asking- what are you doing in your career sphere, as in you feel your parents will allow you if you have a great career, so are you studying or working, what exactly are you pursuing right now?

Also, make sure that he has stopped all contact with the “Unworthy one”. And by all, I mean all. Boys find an excuse to stay in touch. I remember this ex of mine, he left me because he felt he found his TRUE love, I was sad but not devastated because I felt TRUE love is rare and he should pursue her. Turns out she stayed with him for her financial needs, left him within two months and wanted me to take him back. I told him that it was not possible because I want to be single till I feel I have found MY Truelove.  So, this guy tried numerous ways, kept video calling me, calling me and stuff. I asked him to stop contacting me as I felt it would make things complicated. He was of a different community, a Marwari to be exact and my parents are very rigid regarding caste. So About a year later, this ex of mine is dormant and we do talk but only on festivals and birthdays. no emotions involved. I was happy in my life, doing very well in college, excelling in everything I touched and Felt like Midas. I meet a man from a different state and fall in love, however, before embarking on a love affair, I ask him his caste as this is important to my parents and we belonged to the same caste. even for me, relationships are something permanent, If I am putting efforts, I want results. So this relationship was when I felt I found my true love, but due to some health issues, I came back to my home state, where my ex, lived.

He tried offering me company in ABSENCE of my partner. I felt disgusted and would not respond to him after that. Cut to a month later, he calls, then texts then calls ….texts said it was an emergency. I picked up the call to help and got to know that the emergency was that he was having trouble with a girl he loves. LOVES. okay, I help him and he thanks me and seems to me all is fine.

Exactly three months later, I get to know through mutual friends and FB that he is engaged to a girl he loves, excited for him I tell my friends that Yes I know he loves her and I tell them the girl’s name. They laughed at me saying that the girl’s name is something else and they have been in love with her for two-three now.

turns out he left me for someone else, asked me for help when he was in love with someone else and was marrying someone else. He lied about the number of years they were together for. It was exactly three months.

So boys can be easily swayed… some guys remain loyal but even the most loyal ones stray off the path once or twice.

the guy I said I found true love with, I immersed myself too much like I said I do and He left. there were many reasons involved but my extreme love and the insecurity it produces was also a major reason.

So, Happi please tell him to wait for you again till you are not so much in love. That old relationship is dead and if you continue with that, it will cause you pain. I can guarantee either he will cheat on you or YOU will break up because the old love will not exist.

Give yourself time to move on and then start over afresh if you still really want to.

Why do you need to be in a relationship with another man….but you need to figure out this one, I will tell you something which might seem unfathomable now, but will happen eventually.

you will fall in love again. Let me tell you a story…

My elder sister was around 23 when she was heartbroken and thought she will never find love. She rejected numerous proposals for her “Arranged marriage”.

When she was 26, my father asked her to talk to a guy on call. He was a prospective groom and my father knew him well. She talked to him thinking of telling him everything about her heartbreaking love story so that either the guy rejects her or she will.

The guy listened to everything and asked her to keep talking so that he should know whose fault it actually was that my sister was in pain for such a long time. At first, She used to sigh defeated and would pick up his calls but with time, she started enjoying talking to him.

My father was noticing all this and I was his informer. 🙂

Her marriage was near about fixed to this guy when one day my father said that he does not want to marry right now.

My sister was heartbroken again. This was somewhat a year after they had started talking in the first place. My sister was shocked and sad because he did not say anything about it to her, instead told his parents so. In anger and pain, she blocked him everywhere and painfully continued with her job.

This guy was then posted in the Chennai and my sister in Banglore. My sister was 27 then.

two years later, she gets transferred to Pune and started working in a new office. She was happy in her independence but lonely at heart.

And one day she met this guy, the prospective groom, whom she detested. She got to know that he was working in the same building in a different office which was four floors above her office. Out of civility, she talked to him and he insisted they must grab dinner together. She agreed.

At dinner, He asked her why she blocked him everywhere and stopped talking to him without telling him. She asked him why he could not tell her to her face that he did not want to marry her, she told him how humiliating it was, everyone blamed her for the rejection.

And he said that his parents had told him that our father(girl’s father) did not want to marry her within this family. After a lot of conversations and confrontations for a few days, they got to know that the groom’s family wanted some dowry and since our father had not talked anything related to dowry, they told our father that the groom was not ready while told something else to the groom.

The guy said he still wants to marry her and that is why he did not marry anybody else till now. they together convinced everyone and since my parents had no objection even earlier, it was settled.

At 29, My sister found love and got married to him too.

Some love stories are not the usual- girl boy meet on their own, fall in love, struggle to convince people and then get married.

I know you have already accepted him in your mind but I feel disregarding your parents is not a good thing.

I remember I liked a guy in my school years. He approached me when I was in college but after talking for few days, I got to know that He belonged to SC category and Although I don’t differentiate amongst people, I see relationships as permanent which means that If I fall for someone, I envisage my future with them. In this case, I knew the only way I can marry this guy is by disappointing my parents and it was something very foolish to me. I told him the real reason that we are brahmins and you belong to a scheduled caste, your parents will be fine with me but my parents will disown me. And My parents are, and will always come first in my life. They have given me all comforts and took care of all my needs, I cannot go against them. He was a nice man but he would have never fit into my family. My family is reputed in my city, because of my grandparents as well as my father and I cannot throw it all away for my momentary happiness(I know I cannot be happy if my parents don’t communicate with me). He was hurt but he understood, He got married a year ago, people in his community get married early. If I had committed to him, I would have to forget my career and my dreams.

While love is nice and feels like everything, One can love again and again. When it comes to passion, now that is rare. But not impossible to find, choose someone who shares your thoughts and ideas but has different hobbies(Maybe one should be same in order to enjoy it together). Even if arranged, your marriage would not be forced on you. You can still choose and negotiate.

Tell me more of your thoughts.

Dear Happi:

I re-read your posts on this thread. Here is the problem as I understand it:

“when I needed him the most, he just turned his back… he didn’t even want to help me when I was depressed. This is what gave me palpitations, leading to numbness in left arm. I would cry a lot to myself.”

Understandably, you are afraid that he will turn his back on you again. He told you recently that “he is ready to do whatever“. Can you trust him to not turn his back on you based on this (italicized) statement?

For me, a statement is not enough to promise that past betrayal will not happen again.

Here is the further complication of your situation: “Either it’s an arranged marriage.. I can’t go out in search of love again… If I talk about another guy in future they’ll only think I long for a man (take it in a cheap sense).. my family has a very good name in society”-

Your choice then is between a future arranged marriage and this man. You don’t have the privilege of considering another man. Either him or a man arranged for you by your parents.

If you choose this man you are risking him turning his back on you again, as he did before. When he did, it affected you intensely, brought about lots of pain. You are afraid to feel that pain again. You are afraid and angry.

What to do?

Question: if you chose the arranged marriage option, is it possible for you to see to it that your parents cooperate with you, listen to your input regarding this or that man that they propose, so that it is a mutual choice for a husband, one that you like, one who hasn’t and is trustworthy to not turn his back on you?

anita

Dear Happi:

I agree with you, the world is indeed unfair.

I didn’t know that he is still talking with her. I assumed that when he told you that “he is ready to do whatever”, not talking to her is part of that “whatever”. He still expresses that not hurting her feelings (by not talking to her) is more of a priority for him than not hurting your feelings.

Well, life is unfair, but you don’t have to make it even more unfair by your choices. Maybe it will be fair for you to break up with him for good. Maybe that will be fair.

anita