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My ex friend is my bf's cousin and it's torture

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Inky 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #308659

    Sharon
    Participant

    My question is: How do you go to family events when you’re obviously unwelcome but the people want to meet my daughter. And deal with people who want to back you in a corner and make you look bad?

    Now here’s the back story:

    I met BF through a now ex friend because they’re cousins. Girl and I were friends and she just ghosted me twice. She blamed me for her drinking habit which I have no control over. Then went around telling their family, our mutual friends and people I don’t even know how much she’s sad that I won’t be her friend and she just really want’s to be friends again. Without ever once contacting me OR her cousin to tell me. I have a bajillion ways to contact me. BF and I got back together and I let him move in with me bc he had been staying with her, paid her bills and she kicked him out. So she screwed him over too.

    So not only did she get all these people to pitty her for her own wrong doing, they were all coming at me accusing me of treating her unfairly and saying she just wants to be friends and see her cousin again. Her mom even turned around on the airplane to demand I rethink being friends with her daughter bc she really wants to hang out with her cousin again. Luckily BF said “Well all she has to do is call!” but that wasn’t good enough. I had no idea who this woman was and I have no control over whether or not he texts her back.

    Here’s the thing I can be civil, I’ll speak to her like she’s a person, I’ll be nice and we even “got along” when we were all on a family get together. She did ask me to be her friend again and I said “I can’t trust you to be my friend.” And that was that. So I thought. This was like 3 years ago.

    Since then she’s always been right there to remind me that she’s not going anywhere. She’s always been capable of finding things out about me, then right at my happy moments finds a way to contact me with “well wishes” that I don’t buy at all. She makes it out like we’re family now and she has nothing but love for me blah blah blah. I ignored it until I snapped the day after our birth and told her to F off bc I hadn’t responded to her in over 3 yrs. She sent me a message of all the well wishes and bs. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her and she said “you can’t escape me” bc we’re “family” now. I told her to leave me alone nad that just bc I’m dating her cousin doesn’t mean she needs to go out of her way to try to provoke me. I can be civil in person.

    I’ve actually always been foolishly envious of her though. Bc she’s capable of getting everyone to pitty her, get them to do things and seems to always get what she wants. It killed me when she was suddenly married, then shortly after surprise she’s actually pregnant! When we had been trying so long.

    Now, next weekend we are going to BF’s Aunt and Uncles house for a family get together he actually wasn’t invited to. We were asked if we were going by a different cousin last night. This Aunt is the girls mom. I feel like he’s not getting invited to things bc they don’t like me.

    She had her son last year so I’m sure she’s going to want to talk all about it with me. She knows that my home birth ended in the hospital (While hers didn’t) and knows it’s hurt me. Yes, I can’t help but be envious. I’m sure she will bring it up bc it’s something new we both have just experienced since last seeing each other. I’m horrible at lying. This girl doesn’t want to be my friend, she’s been dragging me through the mud, ruining my happy moments for years. All while making herself look like the victim. As well as this “I have nothing but love for you” nice as hell person towards me. I won’t have it.

    So not only am I already socially anxious as hell, we are driving 3 hrs to these peoples house. And I don’t know whether or not to avoid her and have everyone assume I’m rude or not go. She’s going to back me into a corner she always does in front of everyone. I want BF and baby to go, but I kinda also need to go to take care of baby. IF I don’t go then they’re just going to continue on thinking I’m this evil person taking him away from them. I’m gunna be all anxious as hell, then my baby is gunna cry and I’ll be screwing up in front of them being a horrible mom then end up crying myself. She’s 8 wks I’m still nervous sometimes.

    I told bf I didn’t want to go and why. Instead of consoling me or believing me he said:
    I’m welcome there (I can’t see how)
    She might not be there (it’s her parents house why wouldn’t she be?)
    I’m acting delusional
    Only I can make myself look like a bitch
    He doesn’t understand why this hurts me
    They want to meet the new blood in the family.(without accepting me so that’s f’d up)
    They’re not going to back me into a corner
    You don’t have to like someone to be civil.
    They never invite him, he’s just expected to know and show up (doesn’t that tell you something?)

    So, he’s pretty much telling me all of this is my fault and to move on. I’ll give him the benefit that men don’t understand how woman f with other women. I don’t understand how I could be welcome when the first and only thing his aunt said to me was demanding I be friends with her daughter. I have no support from him. Rather than trying to understand why I’m hurt I’m told it’s all in my head. She’s ruined every happy moment for me by reminding me I can’t escape her. Sure the words are nice but she knows she hurt me and she knows I don’t want to talk to her. So she’s made it a point to do so in front of everyone.
    If I don’t go with baby bf is going to blame me for not letting him see family. The only times I have gotten upset were when he tried to dance around telling me he was going to her house. By buttering me up over a dinner I made. I hate being lied to so of course I was angry.

    This has been mental torture for me. I know she got us to start dating so she could tear me down. So she could have this ever ending drama in her life that she needs so much. I really feel like ending my relationship with him bc of this and the lack of support from him but since I have an infant with him I’m financially dependent and feel like I’m totally screwed in life now. We haven’t been intimate the whole pregnancy or after. We don’t sleep in the same room. He’s never apologized when I’ve been right in the past. He refuses to marry me. Even gone so far as to “spoil” the way he was going to propose just so I’d stop talking about him not wanting to marry me. Supposedly it’s because his parents had a nasty divorce but that has nothing to do with me. I don’t see the point in being with someone, creating a family and saying “I love you” when there is no goal to marry. What’s the point if there’s never commitment? Maybe that’s too blunt but it just makes me feel like I’m wasting my time.

    I know this probably just sounds stupid and like petty drama but it really hurts me. I wake up everyday with this all just spinning around in my head. It’s so bad that I can’t focus on anything, I no longer know what I want in life and I can’t get anything done.
    Thanks for reading

    #308713

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sharon:

    Here is how I see it: your first priority by far should not be your boyfriend’s feelings, or his cousin’s mother, or his cousin’s or anyone in his family. Your first priority should be the mental/ emotional health of you and of your child.

    If I was you, given what you shared, I would make a decision this very day to not have any contact with his cousin or any of his family members. Or with any person at all who wants you to be in contact with her. Do not go to that family event. Or any future events. Don’t have his family visit you in your home either.

    Next consider living separately from your boyfriend, that is, ending the relationship, arrange legally for him to pay child support to you and make a better life for you and your child away from him.

    anita

    #309147

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sharon,

    You are not technically part of his family. (Yay!)

    If HE wants to bring your baby to family events, maybe he can next year when the baby is weaned.

    YOU don’t have to go!

    YOU don’t have to live with him!

    Yay! Yay!! and YAY!!!

    Unapologetically not go,

    Inky

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