My ex and I had a pretty toxic relationship.  No abuse, per se, just lots of emotional struggle, we were on again off again, etc.  He struggles with substance abuse, depression, suicidal tendencies, and most likely PTSD from the murder/suicide of his parents.  He admitted early on he’s been cheated on frequently, and he has trust issues.  He also talked openly about his perceived inability to love.

When we first started dating it was beautiful.  We had terrible issues with communication, however.  I had invited him on a big trip of mine but when the trip came, I went without him because he never really talked about it after his initial agreement to go.  During this trip he called regularly and kept telling me how excited he was about our relationship.  The night I returned, however, he sat me down on the couch and he said he hated his job, hated this town (He’d just moved here 6 months prior) and wanted to leave.  He never explicitly said he wanted to leave ME, but… in retrospect… I should have left.  Instead began the cycle of “Are we together? No. Yes. No. Yes.”  He’d “try” to end it with me, I’d talk him out of it, and we’d keep going. Once I tried to end it, and a week later he ended up at my door and we were back “together.”

I always got mixed signals from him.  And I know he got mixed signals from me.  He would call me every day and talk for hours; he’d say things like “This is the longest relationship I’ve been in since my parents died,”  he said meeting his sisters was a huge deal, and referred to me as his significant other. I initially had been the one to suggest we maintain a more “friends with benefits” situation the first time he tried to end it, but when he kept referring to it as a relationship I decided that’s what it was and got more emotionally invested. We continued to do things like go to weddings together, go on trips, etc. We shared deeply intimate secrets, he claims he told me things about himself that he’s only told his therapists in the past.  Some of these things were… very dark and disturbing, including suicidal thoughts.  I should add that all this time he was planning on moving states, and I knew that.

Anyways. About 3 weeks ago it finally ended.  It came to a head when I sat him down and suggested he might need some professional therapy to deal with his issues.  He became irate, said his problems were none of my business, and shut me out. He calmed down a week or so later, after which we met 2 more times to “talk”, and finally he ended it on the phone. It was a relief.  He texted me the next day saying he needed to make his own happiness and do his own thing.  That would have been fine, but he went on to say “maybe” we could have moved together if I hadn’t said what I’d said to him.  He said me telling him he needed therapy had made him sick to his stomach, that it was something he couldn’t unhear. Essentially he blamed me for the demise of the relationship.  We said our parts and let it go.

2 weeks pass and I made the mistake of looking at his facebook. He had a picture of him and some girl up. I might have let it pass were it not for the comment of a mutual acquaintance saying “I know those two!” This woman was someone we’d both met during our relationship, so the only way she would know this girl is if she’d met them WHILE he and I were dating.

I did the stupid thing and texted him and accused him of cheating.  He got angry and proceeded to tell me I was crazy and he wished he’d been able to break up with me the first time, and the only reason he stayed with me was because I guilted him in to it.  He said I pressured him by saying I loved him, and gave him mixed signals all the time, saying one day I was in love with him, the next I just wanted to be f*** buddies.  He said never to contact him again. I didn’t.

I can’t tell you how much those words pained me. 2 days later he texted me again and said he’d calmed down, but still couldn’t understand why I’d accused him of cheating and that he never would do that to me. He proceeded to talk about how he’d been recently arrested for a DUI and was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, so I know he’s struggling.  He eventually called me and we spoke for a half hour. I told him how much it hurt to know he stayed with me out of pity and if I’d known that I would have left. He softened and said something like “I never would have spent so much time with you and talked with you about so much if you didn’t mean something,” and asked me to believe him. I don’t believe him, but I told him I did just to let it go. We chatted a little more about our lives, had some laughs, and ended it on a mellow note.  He said “All is forgiven,” like I was the only one that had ever done anything wrong. I hated that.

The idea that a man was with me out of pity makes me sick. How do I get past that? I am planning on getting some therapy, but in the meantime… what can I do to get rid of this horrible feeling? My stomach is in knots and I’m just so worried that this will affect my future relationships.  How did you get over something terrible your ex said?