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My ex said something extremely hurtful and it haunts me (long, sorry!)

Home→Forums→Relationships→My ex said something extremely hurtful and it haunts me (long, sorry!)

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 33 total)
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  • November 9, 2017 at 11:17 am #177259
    Carla
    Participant

    I really don’t know. I guess on some level I feel they are disappointed in me. I am unmarried, childless; I live a very different lifestyle.  They are quite affluent and don’t understand that I struggle to make ends meet despite being highly educated and having a good job.  We’re just on two different worlds.

    I think my struggle with this relationship ending is compounded by the fact that I really, really hate where I live, and I am envious that my ex got out. I envy that he’s probably happier now, and I’m still stuck here. I currently have a job offer on the table in a city that I have wanted to live in for the last 6 years, but I want to make sure I accept the job because I want it, and not because I’m running away from my problems here.

    November 9, 2017 at 11:26 am #177275
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Carla:

    Running away is not always a bad things. Some problems warrant running away. After all, animals in nature do run away a whole lot, escaping predators and such.

    anita

    November 9, 2017 at 11:39 am #177285
    Carla
    Participant

    This is true. It is a city that offers FAR more in the way of experiences and meeting new people.  I have lived there before and loved it then.

    Talking to you has been extremely enlightening.  You’re doing a wonderful thing here, you know.

     

     

    November 9, 2017 at 12:01 pm #177305
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Thank you, Carla. I hope to read from you again.

    anita

    November 9, 2017 at 12:03 pm #177309
    Carla
    Participant

    I do have one final question – should I hold off on getting therapy until I’ve figured out if I’m moving or not? Currently the process I have to go through is receive a walk-in evaluation before being able to schedule appointments with a therapist, and I personally don’t see the point in that if I’m moving in a few weeks.

    Thank you!

    November 9, 2017 at 12:26 pm #177327
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Carla:

    I too don’t see the point if you are moving in a few weeks. Therapy to be effective, will have to be with the right fit for you, a therapist you can trust, one patient and gentle, caring and hard working. It takes time to find one and to build the trust. And then it will take more time.

    Post again, anytime from wherever you are.

    anita

    November 9, 2017 at 2:29 pm #177343
    Carla
    Participant

    I am looking forward to therapy.  Right now I struggle daily with feelings of emptiness and a sense of… some kind of void within me.  I feel as though I am not whole.  It’s disturbing.  But I am practical and I know I will get through it.  If I take this new job I hope the relocation will help lift my spirits.  I had visited this city this summer and I cried when I left it, so I know it is a place that makes me happy.

    Thank you again. You have been a great help.

    November 10, 2017 at 5:41 am #177461
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Carla:

    You are very welcome. That emptiness, that void, I hope you share more about it, what it is, for you. If not here, then in future therapy.

    anita

    November 10, 2017 at 5:43 am #177463
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * did not get submitted correctly…

    November 10, 2017 at 7:55 am #177535
    Carla
    Participant

    It’s hard to put in to words. I just feel as though I’m not fully… using myself. Which is not the best way to put it. Complacency is a scary thing for me, and right now I think I am complacent. I fear normalcy.

    I have accepted the job offer in the new city.  It scares me but I think that is good.  I have become complacent here and I need to move on.

    November 10, 2017 at 8:30 am #177545
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Carla:

    Complacent means satisfied, without awareness of potential danger. I think this is why you have moved a lot, to avoid hidden dangers, run before you encounter the danger that is about to hit you at any one place.

    Earlier you shared that your mother said that you were “always very sensitive to noises, didn’t like being touched”- these are expressions of fear. You wrote that you “had a tendency towards anger”- anger often follows fear. Clearly, there was danger in your childhood.

    For a child, parental rejection is danger. Any such memory?

    anita

     

    November 10, 2017 at 8:42 am #177553
    Carla
    Participant

    No memory, no.  I was a rambunctious child. I remember reading a letter from my preschool teacher who said that whenever we held group talks with the class she always had to physically hold me to keep me in the circle, that otherwise I would get distracted and wander off by myself. When I was a kid I frequently got in trouble for talking, mouthing off, etc.  I was very outgoing and typically the ringleader of my friends.  However when I hit puberty I became cripplingly self conscious of myself and withdrew inward.  I still struggle with severe insecurities, although I suspect most people who know me would never guess that as I work very hard to keep up a facade of confidence and strength.

    For me complacent means settling.  Settling for comfortable and not going somewhere uncomfortable. I enjoy change; I learn from it and grow from it. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it sets me back, but in the end I feel I become a more complete person from it. Perhaps our definitions of complacent are different.

    November 10, 2017 at 8:47 am #177555
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Carla:

    I looked up the definition of complacent on line before posting last. In your last post you didn’t mention my comment that a child, ““always very sensitive to noises, didn’t like being touched”- are reactions, or symptoms of fear. What do you think?

    anita

    November 10, 2017 at 8:48 am #177557
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t get submitted…

    November 10, 2017 at 9:12 am #177559
    Carla
    Participant

    But my mother said I was like that as an infant… she said as an infant I didn’t like to be held, and if I was being held she always had to face me outwards so I could see things.  Could I have already developed some type of fearful behavior at such a young age?

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