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My ex wants a second chance but my best friend is involved

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  • #154978
    Vivian
    Participant

    I have dated this guy for 6 months and the only reason I broke up with him was because he got really close with my best friend and seemed to not care about me. I didn’t get the attention that I wanted from our relationship and I felt like I was putting in more than he was. He didn’t appreciate me and acted very distant when he constantly hung out with my friends.

    We are all in the same friend group but I decided to break up with him because I thought I deserved better. I never stopped liking him though. When I broke up with him, it surprised him and because I still liked him…I ended up kissing him. I hated myself because of that. I told my friends that I broke up with him but he didn’t see it that way because I literally kissed him after we broke up. My friends were happy for me and it also convinced me that they didn’t like me with him so I knew for sure I didn’t want to get back together with him. He just wanted to hide the relationship the whole time but he later apologized for being low-key in our friend group because now a few of our friends are dating each other and he realizes that he doesn’t care what people think. I partially think he apologized because he got jealous of this guy I was teased with in my friend group.

    About 4 months later, him and my best friend are as tight as glue. They hang out a lot and it triggers me every time I see them together. At one point I cried when I saw them walking home. I guess a side of me was sad that he never treated me with that much attention and care like he did for my best friend. They don’t like each other but it still made me sad. He apologized for being a bad boyfriend and wanted a second chance. I felt like a complete douche because I acted so rude to him due to 2 things. 1. I tried to be as distant as possible so I could move on and 2. seeing my friend and him get along so well just ruined my day. I hated him and he almost started hating me because he was trying to prove to me that he could be better. I was really stubborn but I finally caved in as I found myself liking him more and more…just when I thought I had finally moved on.

    I know my best friend only has him as her closest guy friend and he’s been there for her. She’s been going through a lot and she even said that she admits to being selfish because she thinks that once we start dating again he will forget about her…the friend that has been there for her. I don’t want to hurt either of them. I’ve been friends with him for 4 years and friends with the girl for 4-5 years. We’re all in the same friend group. It just sucked that the only reason I broke up with him was because of my best friend getting close with him but I don’t want to hurt her because I truly do care about her. They got close RIGHT after we broke up and it infuriates me. And moving on has been a fail for me because he is so persistent. I told him I wanted to be friends a month ago because we’ve been good friends for a while but he’s pushing forward and proving to me that he can finally treat me right. My friend admitted that she will feel like she’s going to be left behind and she never feels like anyone’s first choice. All of her friends are in a relationship and she’s never been in one so she feels hopeless 🙁

    What is the right thing to do?

    Thanks,

    Vivi

    #154988
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vivi:

    There is the group of individuals all together and there are changing combinations of individuals spending together in twos, away from the whole group. Some of the twos are in romantic relationships, some are close friends. It is confusing, for me, to follow what is happening.

    Maybe the whole group should get together for a group discussion so to… map who is dating whom and who are just friends at the current time? Your ex boyfriend-now-friend (as I understand it to be) will have the opportunity to declare his romantic interest in you in front of the group, you will announce your intentions, and maybe a relationship between you and him, a romantic relationship, that is, will re-start right there and then and everyone will be clear about it.

    anita

    #155236
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Vivi,

    I think this man really likes you, but what might have happened was to many people in the mix, creating drama, chaos and confusion. And this can cause a break-down of any relationship if clear boundaries and needs are not firmly put in place.

    I am not saying he can’t have friends. I think it is healthy in a relationship for a man and a woman to have friends, but not when there is constant interaction. What you might want to do, is just go out with him. Your friends and that woman can do their own thing, they don’t have to be the third wheel and be with you and your boyfriend all the time. If you are with them, make sure it is “double dating” so you don’t have any tension with that other woman. They should not be going out with you and your boyfriend all the time anyway, especially the woman, it is very intrusive and I feel rude of them.

    I would set clear boundaries with that woman, and tell her that you value her, but you feel at this point, you just want to enjoy time alone with your boyfriend right now. Try to set clear boundaries with him using “I feel” statements” and state your feelings and that you would like to be alone with him for awile on dates. By this time, maybe your friends will meet other friends to hang out with. Keep us posted.

     

    #155246
    R
    Participant

    This is very confusing.. (the situation and who/who of it, not the way you wrote it)

    Where I was younger, I had a ‘friend’ who suddenly became very friendly with my ex once we (very messily) split. Can’t say I wasn’t confused about it at the time and soon saw that it was not a very friend-like move on her part, Id been with him for 5 years and she’d never been that interested in his friendship up until then and she knew I was devastated about the split. Im not saying she couldn’t be friends with whom she liked, im just saying her timing seemed a bit choice to me.

    Anyhow, theres a lot of ‘my poor friend’ it seems. I’m not sure what age you are but 2 years ago I had to part ways with my best friend of almost 15 years because the relationship was just so one-sidedly toxic. It was always poor XX, but yet her victim angle was used to such manipulative extent that she could and did bend and batter me into whatever she wanted out of a situation. My empathising in the relationship took over my life. It affected other friendships, my relationship with my boyfriend..It took over.

    Im not saying your friend is acting with malice but wearing the poor me, ive been through a lot badge should only go so far and right now its getting in the way of your own path. To me theres more than one thing you need to think through here.

    1) How does your exes current efforts to gain your interest ‘feel’ to you. Not how it used to be, not how it has been, but currently. Do you feel its genuine? Do you feel its for keeps or equals what you want from him? I have to say the words ‘finally treat me right’ don’t seem to sit well. It shouldn’t be a conscious effort, it should just be If you understand what im saying.

    2) Admitting you’ve been selfish doesn’t make being selfish ok. Your friend sounds like she was only ever out for herself in this situation and maybe tells you what you want to hear. Answer me this, if they are that close as friends, how does she feel its and either or rather than a your boyfriend AND her friend?

    The situation doesn’t sound like a healthy outcome bodes for you, from what you say it sounds like you have 2 people on your plate who are out for their own ends. be very careful how you proceed. If he wants you for you and not just the trophy, he needs to prove it/act, if he won’t, theres your answer all along. She however, is only considering what she wants from the situation and that sounds to me like control.

    Im not saying all is lost, on the contrary, I am saying you are worth much more. There are more people than this group. If he won’t commit to committing (for want of a way to say it) and she can’t butt out, walk away with your head up. As I say, be careful with how you proceed. Good luck x

     

    #155248
    R
    Participant

    Sound advice from Eliana here. Oh and a pearl of wisdom I read which is I believe very accurate, is the best way to tell if a guy is interested? How much of his time he gives you. Not the group, you. Keep us in the loop x

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by R.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by R.
    #155340
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Vivian,

    I don’t like this friend/”friend”. What would happen if you said to her, “Stop spending time with my boyfriend please.” She’ll feel awkward. He’ll feel awkward. You’ll feel awkward. The Group will feel awkward.

    Let it be Awkward!

    For once, let it be about you.

    If he continues to hang out with your friend, if she continues to be best buddies with him and if the group condones all this, that’s your answer. Time then for a new boyfriend/friend/group.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    #155362
    R
    Participant

    Inky, Preach. x

    #157456
    R
    Participant

    Hows this been going Vivian? x

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