Dear Avri:

You wrote that your family formed their opinion of your boyfriend, that he is a bad person, based on one argument you had with your boyfriend, and that they don’t know the full story regarding that argument. Question is: what was that argument?

If the argument, for example, was about what movie to watch one evening: a sci fi or drama, and included angry voices but not too loud and no violence, then I would think your parents are unreasonable. But if the argument included a public scene where he screamed at you and called you terrible names, maybe your parents have a point. I don’t know.

Would you like to share about that argument, at least the part that your family is aware of?

anita

I feel like you may come from a background where arranged relationships/marriage are common? If you could clarify that would help. The reason I believe this may be true is because you are an adult and still allowing your parents to make such decisions for you. This is common, for instance, in Indian relationships where dating still has a social stigma and people often hide relationships for fear of being disowned (just as you mention). If this is relative to you, any advice needs to be given through that lens.

 For my boyfriend and me, we’re way past that incident. We’ve both grown and changed.

Tell that to your parents then. I understand the pressure that comes from Asian parents about one’s choice of partner. However, as an Asian myself, I feel that we need to stand up for our own beliefs. For me, if my parents approve of my partner, then it is good. If they don’t approve (without good reason) then I will continue to be with my partner. It is my future, my happiness, my choice. Do bear in mind, they want the best for you. Try to listen to what they have to say and make decisions from it.

As someone who has dated someone from a different culture that doesn’t accept intercultural (or intercaste, etc.) relationships, I can only provide advice from someone on the opposite side. I do think this has more to do with those differences than anything else and that is unfortunate, especially since you write about your boyfriend being loving and accepting of you like no other. In my opinion, he has done nothing wrong but simply be a human being.

You need to ask yourself if this relationship is worth fighting for and potentially being disowned for? At 23, I think you are too young to make that decision. However, will you meet someone as good for you as this guy again? Potentially not. But that is the risk you take. What you can do immediately is discuss your cultural “responsibilities” and “expectations” with your boyfriend. You need to be upfront and honest that there might not be a future with you. Yes, this is hard but he doesn’t deserve being led on to think that this is something more than is possible. As someone who has been deceived in that manner, I can tell you that it hurts in a unique way. I felt used and dehumanized for a significant period of time. It has affected how I view love and how trusting I am with others. I didn’t deserve that and nor does your boyfriend.

I know the situation can be different with different cultures but at 23, I view you as an adult. You should be financially independent and able to make your own decisions in life.

Hi. I am in the exact same position. I am going to be 22 this year in August and have bbeen with my boyfriend for 4 years. I have known him for 10 years as good friends. Im studying in medical school at the moment and still have 2 more years to go. My mum recently found out about him because I was quite pressurised into telling her when I was asked multiple times. I didnt want to lie hence I told the truth however she is unhappy because he is 1. Also has parents that are divorced and remarried and 2. Does not study medicine or anything similar in line hence she feels that it will not work out if there is nobody at the same level as me. I was unaware that my father also knew and spoke to them two days ago to explain that I am friends with him. I am fortunate that my dad was understanding to say that they wont restrict me in speaking to somebody however it was explicitly stated that they would not accept him if he was the person I brought home in the future. I want to continue with my parents knowing we are friends but I know that regardless of this, they will say no and that their main concern is my boyfriend’s family being divorced and dont want the same for me. I am torn between the two because I am still young but my main concern is that I do not want to ruin my boyfriends life in the future, and my parents mean the world to me. Please let me know your thoughts – anybody.