So when I a kid, I was raised with fundamentalist  Christian grandmother. I still live with her to this day and every time I came out as a nonbeliever she would play the hell card. This was only when I came out and I no longer fear the Christian God or the Christian hell. Because there are tons of contradictions which both cannot be true. She never harms or yells if she assumes I am a Christian. I would come out as a Buddhist many times as a kid, but she would always remind me of Fire and brimstone to put fear in me. But today I just keep my mouth shut because of punishment.

But this fear isn’t done yet. My fear switched from the Christian hell to the Buddhist hell. I think according to Buddhism, you don’t go to heaven just by being a Buddhist and obviously if one messes up this life so badly then they are reborn in to hell or if one reaches nirvana then they are reborn into heaven. But rebirth is just a cycle until one destination is picked.

This fear has driven me to perfectionism. I constantly think about other people. In fact that’s the only thing I think about. I feel like I think of myself AT ALL, then I have not reached nirvana yet. I have completely denied myself my needs and wants. I give everything I have away including my food, my possessions and my money. I never say no even when my mind doesn’t want it. I compliment other people so much they think it’s annoying. I also never talk about myself around other people or even when by myself.

This fear is so intense that I feel guilty and selfish even for doing basic stuff, such as eating, sleeping or hygiene even to a minimum amount. I even feel selfish that I am able to write this and have a roof over my head. My mind thinks “someone in the world isn’t able to enjoy this.” My body hurts so bad but my childhood fears are still in me. I really would appreciate if you took the time and replied back for me. I’ve been doing this all my life because it’s all I’ve known.