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My fiance shuts off her emotions

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  • March 5, 2017 at 2:56 pm #135963
    Natalie
    Participant

    Hello! My fiance refuses to let herself feel negative emotions due to her past (family, relationships, friendships). There is not one friend she can count on due to the amount of “friends” who were inconsiderate and dishonest to her. Her last relationship was physically and emotionally abusive. What seals the deal on top of the lack of trust with people, inability to connect with her parents because they to are not emotionally supportive (telling her not to cry; re-occurring during childhood), and her past relationship, is that she is afraid of losing people who are close to her. I don’t blame her for blocking out the pain and sadness, because she knows what feeling the absolute lowest can feel like and refuses to even feel the slightest bit of negative emotion. She is afraid that if she does feel, she will break down. I’ve told her to break down and that it is perfectly okay. The catch is that if she does break down, she does not know how to control her emotions from then on. When she breaks down she’ll ignore everything and lay in bed. Her fear of losing loved ones is entangled in her ability to try and gain control of her emotions. She won’t let herself become emotionally attached to people, because if she does and they die she will lose it.

    March 5, 2017 at 6:42 pm #135995
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Natalie:

    You wrote: “My fiance refuses to let herself feel negative emotions… (she) refuses to even feel the slightest bit of negative emotion”- this is not possible. If only that was possible nobody will be feeling negative feelings. A person cannot “refuse” fear, hurt and sadness. It simply isn’t possible. Didn’t you witness her hurt, fear and sadness?

    You wrote: “I’ve told her to break down and that it is perfectly okay”- that is irresponsible for you to tell her that because you can’t guarantee that she will be “perfectly okay” or even “okay”. (Fortunately, a person does not break down when given the invitation).

    You wrote: “She won’t let herself become emotionally attached to people”- you mean other people, since she is about to marry you, correct?

    anita

    March 5, 2017 at 8:53 pm #136023
    Natalie
    Participant

    Anita,

    She recognizes the emotion, she just doesn’t allow herself to feel the pain/sadness/hurt. She keeps it in and ignores it.

    I’m not saying a breakdown is utterly necessary, but she can’t let go of the past. I told her that if she wanted to let it all out (whenever the time was right) she could and I would be there to help her up. One can’t simply force a breakdown. I am aware. I should have worded things differently. I guess what I am trying to say is that all the feelings she is trying to avoid, could set her free.

    I apologize, I meant to say that she doesn’t like to become emotionally attached to other people. Yes we are getting married, but sometimes it can get difficult especially since I am incredibly emotional. So it hurts me seeing her this way because I know deep down she is battling things.

    March 6, 2017 at 12:29 am #136027
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Natalie,
    This sounds like my ex. He used to tell me “I can turn off my emotions” – very unhealthy. But I can see she does feel those negative emotions because she is addressing the reasons for being this way – she still remembers these situations – of course she does.

    Am I ok to assume this is affecting your relationship?

    March 6, 2017 at 7:12 am #136085
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Natalie:

    It is true that processing one’s strong feelings (hurt, fear, sadness.. guilt, etc., all the unpleasant feelings) about past experiences and relationships is necessary for healing BUT it is not as simple as having an emotional breakdown episode, or even a series of episodes, crying etc., releasing these emotions once and for all.

    It is not so simple because feelings and thoughts, especially those core-beliefs, are connected in many, many ways. The emotional release in crying can provide temporary relief, but not healing because the thoughts/ beliefs connected to the emotions were not released.

    It takes competent psychotherapy to heal from past injuries of the kind your soon to be wife experiences. If I was you, I wouldn’t pressure her to express those emotions as if it was the magic cure. Encourage her to express her emotions, little by little, at her pace. No pressure. And encourage her to attend competent psychotherapy.

    You wrote: “What seals the deal on top of the lack of trust with people, inability to connect with her parents because they to are not emotionally supportive”- I also recommend that you do not suggest to her to connect with her parents. Often part of healing is no longer trying to connect with parents, and instead staying away.

    anita

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