Home→Forums→Relationships→My GF keeps talking about her past sex life and I don’t know why it bothers me?
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Helcat.
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May 17, 2024 at 12:03 am #432758
Helcat
ParticipantSorry I’m busy taking care of an infant, so my attention is divided. I just noticed that she ignores you for large periods of time during disagreements. This is an abusive behaviour called stonewalling. Everyone needs space to decompress but it’s healthy to keep it to a short period say an hour.
May 17, 2024 at 7:08 am #432774anita
ParticipantDear Alex:
You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation! A bit of a summary of what you shared so far:
You: 47, had very few sexual partners in life, twice married and divorced, your depression played a part in both separations, separations that were very heart-breaking for you. You are suffering from “terrible anxiety and panic attacks”, having “no family or friends”, having trouble breathing and a bad back. You are currently in a 7-month old relationship that may be ending, as you are sleeping in the guest bedroom while she sleeps in the master bedroom, and she sometimes or often refuses to talk with you, if I understand correctly.
She: 52, had many sexual partners in life, 1-2 years long relationships, “at least 80 relationships in this lifetime”, she has been writing and directing porn for 20 years, and “had very diverse and vast amount of sexual exposure”. She repeatedly told you about her past sex life in glorious terms, even though you asked her to not talk to you about her past sex life. She knows that you have a bad back, and yet, she sleeps on the expensive mattress that you bought and lets you sleep on a cheap mattress that’s bad for your back. “She has this constant need to win all arguments and be always right… she keeps saying ‘I didn’t do anything wrong'”.
As to the motivation behind her insistence on telling you about her past sex life, you suspect, that “maybe she… has some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“, and you believe that her telling you about her past sex life is a “deliberate attempt to hurt (you)“.
In your most recent post (about 10 hours ago), you shared: “she is asking for couples counseling… she just wants me to hear the objective truth and not leave with the lies and monsters I’ve created in my head. She admitted to not being a great partner and being bad for my mental health but feels I exaggerate and inflate it in my head… When I said I don’t think counseling will help and I take responsibility for my occasional bad behavior (which is triggered by her name calling and her drama really), she said good luck finding someone you’d be happy with and I wish you well“.
* About 19 hours ago, you wrote: “We are invested in each other deeply and care about our health and our emotions for each other. We want to stay together forever or a long time and maybe even get married“- you wrote this in the present tense. Does this mean that only yesterday you were sleeping together in the master bedroom, talking with each other and being invested in each other.. and within 9 hours you moved to the guest bedroom and talking about breaking up?
Has it been a back and forth dynamic between the two of you, together all the way, not together, back to together, etc., for most or all of the 7 months?
anita
May 18, 2024 at 9:42 pm #432815alex
ParticipantThank you. Please send me some strength as despite everything, I love this person very much. A break would completely gut me and I feel I’ll have to get my memory erased to get over her. I wish I read all the warning signs from the beginnings but I ignored and opened up to her like I have never done with anybody else. In seven months I feel like I have experienced a decade worth of experiences with her. I think I finally know why is this killing me so much more than it is killing her. This will be my third time being in love and walking away in my 47 years on this planet while she has been in and out of love 100s of times. Maybe she’s not capable of building permanence with anybody or maybe she thrives on the novelty of a new relationship till it fizzles out. Either way, I wonder how has the heartache of losing someone she loved has not scarred her if she’s been in love as many times as she claims? Perhaps, I’m just trying to find some method to her madness. She’s certainly not self aware and even if was made self aware, I don’t know how much she’s willing to work on herself. I should walk away with gratitude that for a brief moment, I experienced divine love and joy and hope because of her. Maybe there is no such thing as permanence.
May 18, 2024 at 11:33 pm #432816Helcat
ParticipantHi Alex
I would argue that she’s probably never experienced love before unless she’s managed to sustain a long term relationship? She has been used for sex. People likely ultimately reject her because of her unique choices in life. I think that she protects her heart for this reason. A lot of people do, you have only been together for 7 months. She is waiting for you to leave, but hoping you don’t as she wishes to marry you.
I would bear in mind that you are the one considering leaving. She isn’t, she is aware of her faults and that there is no way she could get married if she left when problems occur. A chance to get married is rare for her. She is more invested than you are, but hiding her heart very well as she prepares for the relationship ending because you are unhappy.
That you have experienced so much with her in such a short time was probably a draw for you as you felt that your experiences were lacking.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
May 19, 2024 at 6:38 am #432821anita
ParticipantDear Alex:
You are welcome. I hope that you are feeling better..?
“The proverbial GF… is asking for couples counseling… I said I don’t think counseling will help” (May 16).
“A break would completely gut me and I feel I’ll have to get my memory erased to get over her… She’s certainly not self aware… I experienced divine love and joy and hope because of her. Maybe there is no such thing as permanence.” (May 18)-
– Maybe you should agree to couples counseling. Maybe it will help the two of you to become more self-aware. Maybe it will move the relationship toward permanence of .. the divine?
anita
May 19, 2024 at 8:42 am #432823Helcat
ParticipantHi Alex
The way I see things. Your girlfriend likes to put a rosy tint on things. Living in a bit of denial to make painful experiences like bring sexually assaulted as a child, or being used for sex by a lot of people easier to bear. Does that make sense to you?
There are some issues on your side of the relationship too, related to your anxiety. If you share as much with her as you do here. Your deepest fears are spoken freely negatively affecting the relationship. She said it herself, you make her feel like a monster. Honestly, she has a point, you have spoken quite poorly about her. It’s important to keep your fears in perspective, that they are fears and that they are not necessarily true.
Everyone has bad habits in relationships, no one is innocent. We are all flawed human beings, to err is human.
My husband yells sometimes. He is a loud and passionate person. He finds it difficult to manage in disagreements, especially when he is having difficulty regulating his emotions.
I have difficulty with being defensive during disagreements. The idea of being vulnerable during a disagreement makes me feel sick just thinking about it. It’s difficult to have a conversation with someone who is closed off emotionally and being defensive.
I’m sorry if this is painful to read. I don’t wish to hurt you, I just thought it was important to share.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
May 19, 2024 at 10:04 am #432825alex
ParticipantDear @anita and @Helcat, if I knew both of you are going to be so helpful with your responses; I would have given a complete context about everything. Maybe it’s not too late. I love reading your responses and no please don’t worry about being harsh with me. I do need a perspective and I am aware that I am a deeply flawed person.
Let me respond to @Helcat first. Feel free to skim thru the first paragraph as it’s too long and I’m just over sharing.
1. You are correct that my depression and anxiety fuel a lot of insecurity and overthinking and coupled wit her undiagnosed and untreated ADHD where she is irritable almost all the time from sunrise to sunset, I do have episodes of blowing up. I was honest about her from the beginning that I hav these two ailments and every negative life event (including the death of my first born, the separation with my first wife and best friend, the divorce with my second wife and my only friend on this planet and now my ex-wife moving with my 10 year old boy far away to another state), has only made it harder. I was sexually abused as a child and I couldn’t talk to anybody as I get up in a uncomfortable environment where my father was a chronic alcoholic and beat up his wife and kids. All of this made it hard for me to date or make friends or even be fully present in a relationship. Hence I’ve not been lucky in love. the two times I found love, I married them and they understood and accepted me for who I am. They were my rock, one at a time and I never felt any lack of support, judgement or criticism. They anchored me so well that I became a high performing executive who managed to propel his career and be very successful and make a lot of money, travel the world, live with my family in different countries. However, since I went through heartbreak the second time; I’ve lost interest in chasing success, money, material things completely. For a long time, I was alone and just focussed on spending time with my son but I longed for a partner. I longed for the emotional connection so I started dating and after many dates, decided to take a break a I found it to be draining and people were not looking for something deep. Then I met her and she said she’s looking for honesty, depth and someone who makes at least $200K a year because that demonstrates responsibility and commitment. That was my first sign and irritated me so much that I ended up talking to her on phone. Somehow, I saw outstanding communication, emotional depth and clarity her in her. We soon met and clicked in person even though she kept giving me these little electric shocks by making weird comments every now and then. The second was during our first in person date where she asked me, “is sex important to you”? I was shocked but I said yes. As part of an emotional/physical/spiritual experience with my partner, it is important for me to have all those elements. She went on to say “Ok then we will use it as an expression of our love, never to get off”. I was fine with that. We were inseparable from the first time we met and started spending all our time together and living mostly at her house. In 6 weeks, we drove to spend halloween with her grandma. In 2.5 months, we drove to spend Christmas with her parents. In 5 months, we moved in together. She is absolutely against having kids or dating anybody with kids but she warmed up to it and now I have a guest bedroom for my boy who comes over every weekend. Then she started talking about her past again and this is where it gets confusing. She sat me down and said I should not judge her as her entire life has been a lie and she never wanted to marry or settle down with one person for the fear of ending up like her mom who divorced when she was 12 and went on chasing 10s of boyfriends looking for someone to love her and support her. So, she decided to be independent and make her own money and use men for sex as disposable goods. She is not capable of casual sex so she had these multiple relationships that would be good for 1-3 years at most and then she’s start feeling she can do better so she’d break up and find someone else. This is her entire life pattern till she met me. She also told me since menopause, her drive isn’t the same. I’ve offered to take her to review options for treatment for menopause as I feel this with her ADHD makes her very irritable and while it is ruining what we have, I also worry about how hard it is for her as a person to deal with all of this. So I do care about her, I am able to empathize with her. When we met we both wanted a co-dependant relationship as we dont have any friends and we don’t connect with family. It was great till we moved in together and suddenly living in a very expensive rented house put her in a different headspace. Money is the most important thing to her in the world and she’s very vocal about it. She is deeply emotional but has broken up with several boyfriends as they were not ambitious and she wants a 8 million dollar house and 5 cars and luxury goods. She is willing to work for most of it but also not be in a relationship with a “Loser”, as she calls them. I don’t make as much money as her as she easily makes toward of $500K a year as porn pays well but I make enough to not be a loser. When I first met her, she had given up shooting porn (as a director) and was not working at all. She was focussed on fitness, hiking, cosmetic treatments and implants and just had no direction. I sometimes feel maybe that was my role. My love was able to help her get out of a rut, move into a fancy house, resume work and now she’s very driven to making 5-10 times of what she now makes, with or without me. This leaves a serious disconnect as I am no longer ambitious. Maybe I would be, if she’d accept me for an over emotional/over thinking person who does his best when he feels supported. On top of all that, she is constantly critical of me, snaps at me, has a very foul mouth and calls me a loser, lame, coward etc over minor conflicts.
2. She has recently said she is not afraid to be alone. She doesn’t long to be with anybody else. But due to all the problems we’re having, she doesn’t want to marry me. But this isn’t consistent. Two weeks ago, she wanted me to take her to Tiffany’s and buy her a $40K ring. I’m sure if I am nice to her, the pattern will repeat itself in a few weeks. All this inconsistency where she is madly in love with me and doesn’t want to spend. minute apart from each other and wants to get married immediately to where she says out loud that she doesn’t want to marry me and she isn’t afraid to be alone and she is unhappy and frustrated due to lack of ambition in me etc; is terrible for me as it increases my anxiety and panic attacks many fold. So I withdraw or I blow up or both.
3. I see merit in couples counseling if we both want to salvage the relationship. I know I want to. But as usual, she wants to use an objective third party to clarify the absolutely truth so we both take responsibility and separate. I asked does she want to salvage it and she says she doesn’t know unless we talk to an objective third party, if there is anything to save. And she’s more torn about me leaving as she’ll have to pay the entire rent which she easily can but she’d rather me stay for practical reasons.
4. I see incompatibility between us that bothers me now. She is really. alone but once she is in love, she’s usually very attached. I hate being alone but I attach too much and am very needy when in love. So when we fight and she builds a stonewall, I hav trouble breathing and sorta panicking. She on the other hand, goes back to her other personality of being very comfortable as a loner/strong independendant woman with work and work. She locks herself in her office and just works and keeps buying furniture, durable goods, luxury things and just consumes so much food and alcohol to fill the void. I don’t drink. I don’t overeat. I dont use work to fill in the emotional void. I eep waiting for her to melt and come to me. At times, I can’t take it and I go to her to hug her and I am instead met with sarcasm and cruel statements like “You’re so insincere and dishonest”.
5. This is what I want. It’s like my prayer to god today. I’d like us to go to therapy and be honest. Work on us as individuals and as a couple and accept each other completely including our flaws. Promise to be kind to each other, stop talking about our past to attack each other or hurt each other, understand we have different values as two independent people and different needs in a relationship, that we do love each other deeply and we are very lucky to have such a strong connection, that we promise to be kind and make an effort to make changes that are important to each other. And if after doing therapy and all this, we choose to stay together; we should not take each other for granted. If we choose to separate, at least we tried to save what we both felt was the best thing that ever happened to either of us.
May 19, 2024 at 11:06 am #432828anita
ParticipantDear Alex:
I am trying to understand better, therefore I ask:
“She decided to be independent and make her own money and use men for sex as disposable goods. She is not capable of casual sex“- if she has been using men for sex, using men as disposable goods, how is it that she lacks the capacity to have casual sex?
“she is constantly critical of me, snaps at me, has a very foul mouth and calls me a loser, lame, coward etc. over minor conflicts“- I am sorry to read this.
Yesterday you shared: “I experienced divine love and joy and hope because of her“-
– where is the divine love when she is constantly critical of you, snaps at you, and has a very foul mouth?
“5. This is what I want. It’s like my prayer to god today. I’d like us to go to therapy and be honest… Promise to be kind to each other, stop talking about our past to attack each other or hurt each other“- this would be wonderful, honest and kind.
anita
May 19, 2024 at 11:39 am #432833anita
ParticipantEdit: – where is her divine love when she is constantly critical of you, snaps at you, and has a very foul mouth?
May 19, 2024 at 11:43 am #432834alex
ParticipantDear @anita
To you question about casual sex, she is a hyper sexual for reasons unknown to me. I researched it being common amongst people that have ADHD. It could also be something else but she has confessed the desire and need to be having sex with endless number of men even being a prostitute, since she was like 10. She is very afraid of STDs/STIs and ironically unable to have sex unless she has a strong emotional connection in a monogamous relationship. I now it sounds weird but her weird/nasty desires only come out when she feels safe in a monogamous relationship. So I assume she gets into a relationship and is able to do all this for 1-3 years at a time and then gets unhappy mostly about the man’s inability to provide or be ambitious and starts thinking she can do better. Despite all her materialism, she picks guys that have un-corrupted hearts (her words) and usually they don’t make a lot of money. It’s some kind of paradox. She’s admitted to have tried casual sex but finds its gross and empty.
As for your question about the divine love, I’d say it’s still there as long as we are emotionally connected and not fighting. I have this joke with her that I love her personality after sunset as she is physically tired and her brain is calmer and she is super nice, emotional and connected. She’s agreed that maybe that is her default state and the other overly ambitious strong independent woman that comes out in the morning is because she’s never been able to depend on any man. When we are in a good place, she is super nice to me and says things like I have such a calming effect on her and that I’m so good for her. But all my goodness got away at daybreak when she switches her focus on work, career, ambition, money, material goods etc.
Yes, I did just request a couples therapy session. Hoping it helps.
May 19, 2024 at 12:34 pm #432836anita
ParticipantDear Alex:
“She’s admitted to have tried casual sex but finds its gross and empty“- and yet, for 20 years she’s been directing gross and empty (porn, the epitome of casual sex).
“It’s some kind of paradox“- it is, isn’t it.
“When we are in a good place, she is super nice to me and says things like I have such a calming effect on her and that I’m so good for her. But all my goodness got away at daybreak when she switches her focus on work”-maybe she should have a career change, from the gross and empty to something she values. Maybe she’ll then feel better about herself, about you, and about life.
anita
May 19, 2024 at 2:08 pm #432841Helcat
ParticipantHi Alex
I appreciate your kind reply, I think that shows your good character.
I don’t think that you are deeply flawed. Just the regular human kind of flawed. Thank you for sharing some more context. I’m so sorry for the difficulties that you’ve experienced. Your sexual assault as a child, the loss of your firstborn, divorces and one of your sons moving away from you. You’ve had a lot of painful experiences that you don’t deserve in the slightest and all of these traumas take a toll. It’s not your fault. It’s a very human reaction to trauma.
I had one thing in mind, which I forgot to add previously. What if, the situation is just that bad? Sometimes people say bad things about people for a reason, when they’ve been seriously hurt by them.
I see what you mean when you mention two personalities.
On the one hand, she admits to using people for sex. On the other, she says that she’s been in love with loads of people and is incapable of having casual sex. The latter part isn’t really true. Maybe she doesn’t want to have casual sex anymore. But she definitely had casual sex in the past to sleep with 80 people.
The numbers alone don’t make sense. She would either be in open relationships, sleeping with multiple people. Or cheating on her partners constantly. I’m curious which it is?
I honestly share your concerns with compatibility. She is a very complicated person with some deep issues.
I’m glad that you have some good experiences together as well as the bad.
I guess, when I think of responsibility and commitment. I don’t think of a giant price tag. When I think of that much money, only individuals with very specialised skills in a high paying managerial job are considered. Which tells me in line with what you are saying about her expensive tastes. She was looking to date someone who could support her lifestyle.
When I think of responsibility and commitment, I think of marriage, children, a retirement plan, savings for retirement. But I’m just a regular person. I don’t have expensive tastes and grew up quite poor.
I think it’s incredible that you both managed to build strong careers.
I just want to be clear that I don’t think that all of your concerns are related to anxiety. There are some very real concerns.
It seems like you’ve found yourself entangled in a complicated relationship in a very short space of time. It sounds like a bit of an emotional rollercoaster with highs and lows.
I wish you the best of luck figuring things out either way. You have a kind heart with good intentions. Your extra context shows that you are just trying to protect yourself which is honestly fair and a good thing to do.
The difficulty with depression and anxiety sometimes is that our mind lies to us. Sometimes it encourages us to make choices that make us unhappy. I don’t think that you deserve any unhappiness. You’ve already suffered too much in your life.
I have concerns about her ability to change in a reasonable timeframe. Especially with habits of denial. These things take a lot of honesty.
It seems to me there is potentially another diagnosis in play outside of ADHD. That is a very real possibility for her to have more than one condition. Perhaps seeking a diagnosis and treatment for mental health would help her?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
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