fbpx
Menu

My heart didn't want to break up, but I had to

HomeForumsRelationshipsMy heart didn't want to break up, but I had to

New Reply
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #43754
    Hugo Laliberté
    Participant

    Hello, I’ve been reading this blog for a couple of months now because I’ve been questioning my relationship with my 2.5 years girlfriend since around february 2013 (we are both 20). I broke up with her on Saturday night, but I’m not sure about my decision and I’m sad about it. I didn’t break up because I didn’t love her anymore, but because there was a problem in the relationship that wasn’t changing. I love the girl, but I think she has personal issues and needs to consult a psychiatrist. I don’t want to sound mean or ignore that we all have flaws, but I really think that she has a mental problem and I can’t do anything about it (which also annoys me). As much as I would like to ignore her problem and just love this girl, I can’t. Her “problem” seems to always come back and hurt the relationship. I’ve been trying to stay with her, we’ve had a lot of serious discussions in the past months, but nothing changed. Now that I’ve broke up with her, I feel sad and I don’t know if I have done the right choice. My brain thinks it’s the good choice, but my heart is broken and wants to go back with her. I feel like a bad person, I broke her heart and I don’t know how she will get over it considering her “problem”. I’m lost in my thought and I would like some wise advice.

    #43757
    michelle
    Participant

    I am that “sick” girl,,, it comes now as I see it from surpressed abandonment issues as a child,,,along with other things. my advice to you is to tell her you love her and she needs to address the issues between the two of you. I think she loves you also—she — just fears to show it.

    #43758
    Hugo Laliberté
    Participant

    I understand what you mean and I think you’re right on some things. The problem is that she doesn’t do anything to get help. I think this is a problem that I can’t help her solve since it is in her mind. It would probably be a psychiatrist’s job to help her. I would be happy to support her through this, but she won’t get help and I can’t force her to get help. Whenever I tried to suggest her to see a professional, she would get angry unless it was after a big argument. After those arguments she was always acknowledging that she would probably need some help, but as I stated, she never actually got help. I love the girl, but when her “problem” comes to the surface, she is not the same girl and it’s destroying both of us. I’d like to think that things will change, but I’ve been telling this to myself for the last couple months and nothing changed.

    #43761
    michelle
    Participant

    take note: you said she is more accepting of help after a big problem,,, this makes me feel she knows something could change yet when the storm passes ,,,she is back to her “safety”zone. again I, being from an unhealthy accepting place relate to her. most do not want to acknowledge or admit our “fears” for we feel safer keeping them buried. like familys w/ skeletons in the closet…. they kno they r there just don’t tell.

    #43762
    Hugo Laliberté
    Participant

    Once again you are right, but the thing is that even though she sometimes acknowledge her problem, a couple of days later she will completely deny it. I have no idea what I can do. The change has to come from herself, I can’t force her to seek help. As I told you I’m lost, but this was the only option I could see and right now I’m asking myself if things could have been different.

    #43806
    Ciara
    Participant

    Hi there, I have honestly experienced a very similar situation but it was with a friend I had feelings for. If you know deep down it is the right thing to do, even though it hurts for awhile it is the right thing to do. Just because it hurts now does not mean it is the wrong decision. Obviously you feel hurt, its a normal reaction to the situation if you didn’t feel anything that would be a worry. If this problem of hers will continue effecting the relationship then there can be no relationship it is simple as that/. Trust me, I have felt a lot of heartbreak and even though it hurts so terribly right now and its all you can think about, it will get better, I promise, there will be a day when you no longer feel that sadness and you will be able to properly move on with your life. from your replies I can tell that even though you are sad some part of you is glad that you made this decision and deep down inside you know it was the right thing to do for both you and her, ( it might help he realise that getting help is the best thing)

    #43811
    K
    Participant

    Hi Hugo,

    I am someone who is was diagnosed with Mood Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified (NOS) when I was fourteen. I was given this label after my first hospitalization. I was went to an ER room because I was having an episode of dissociation. I asked to be put to sleep so that I could “wake up”. When I left the hospital I was too scared to face any “help” and created a mindset of denial and “next year will be different!”- which I still have to this day.

    Mood Disorder, NOS basically means “we don’t know enough about what is happening to give this person a label right now”. I’ve also heard it’s given to younger people because the physician doesn’t want to stigmatize and burden an adolescent who may be going through a phase.

    Anyway, I am twenty five and have been hospitalized three times since then. I still cannot face that I have a problem that requires proactive action. This truth is, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Why would I want to accept that? People on internet forums and the media say people who have this are dangerous, manipulative, shallow, unlovable.

    When I look in the mirror, I don’t see this. I see someone who is kind, reasonable, funny, loving, caring. I like animals, want people and animals to be free and happy, I listen to other view points, am courteous to strangers, considerate to living mates, I don’t believe my emotions toward people are “shallow”. Why would I want to associate with a diagnosis that defense lawyers try to give jilted lovers who blow their spouse away and young “party moms” who kill their kids.

    I recently had a social worker who, when he found out I was borderline, began treating me completely different. I spoke to me like a child and invalidated all of my interests (studying a foreign language, for example) as me trying to find an identity. When he found another job he sat down with and said “I’m sorry, I’m leaving…I know this is hard for you.”- I had the most superficial and professional connection to this person but because I was borderline he thought I had formed some unstable, insta-attachment.

    Although this is kind of funny, it’s also sad. These are the people who are assigned to help you. These are the mental health professionals. These are the people you’rey ou’re girlfriend is encouraged to pursue. “Getting help” is no guarantee she’ll be help. This is especially true if she lives outside a major city. Small communities do not have highly trained psychotherapist specializing in certain areas. In one resource isn’t working for you, there aren’t anymore you can try.

    When I lived in Toronto I found someone who specialized in what I have experienced. When I found this psychotherapy, I was moving back home in a few months because of financial reasons I never got to work this person for any reasonable amount of time.

    Like everyone, I have problems. But these problems are complicated by the fact that I experience distortion of the psyche, particularily in close, intense relationships. And I am alone with this problems.

    For this reason, I hope that you sit down and think one last time before you make a final desision of cutting ties completely. Only you can know if you should leave. But I can tell you what your ex is facing might be monolithically hard to confront. I know that it is frustrating when people will not admit to and/or own up to a problem. No one has the patience of a saint. But I hope that I gave you someone insight into reasons why she is resistant so you can be more understanding of her, even as just a friend to her. Validate her hesitance. it’s fear that’s not entirely unjustified.

    <3.

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.