Hi,

My heart hurts and it’s about to be broken. I could use some advice!

I’ll try to make it as short as I can… My story: I’ve been going through a divorce (8 year marriage), which I knew was coming for about 2 years. I made my peace with him and with our relationship but it took awhile to actual say the words & put it into action.

I should note that my husband & I were in an open relationship. We were living in Europe for the summer (about 6 months ago), when I met a guy that I had an immense connection with and attraction to. We started casually hooking up. Best sex of my life and his. It’s indescribable really. Feelings grew, we kept seeing each other – eventually, I moved back to the US. During this time, my husband & I officially ended our relationship – the primary reason is that we weren’t in love with each other anymore. We love each other & have great respect but I want the whole shebang, love, intimacy, passion, etc… and I wasn’t getting this from him/him me. In fact, the guy I was dating helped me see that it’s possible to have this & more. It was a healthy breakup and I’m happier because of it.

Back to the guy, I do wish I would have met him later on down the road… but that’s not how it happened and I can’t ignore the way I feel about him. We saw each other again and again it was amazing. One night I blurted out that I wanted to be with him. He had concerns – one we live in different countries and two I just got out of a long term relationship. The convo ended there. 3 weeks later we talked about spending New Years together, I wanted to take some space from situation with my (ex) husband & so I booked a one-way ticket to his city and have been with him since. Though I didn’t intend to only stay at his place, we’ve spent every night together. He’s been affectionate, introducing me to friends, we eat together every night, etc… showing all signs of love & desire to be together.

2 nights ago, while we were “in the moment”, I blurt out (again): “I want to be with you & live here” He didn’t react well – he said you just got out of a longterm relationship, you’re not thinking clearly / judging things right. He said that if you laid in the sun for hours & went into the shade it would seem more amazing than it actually is. He thinks that’s what I’m doing because of my last relationship. He said he’s sorry it’s not the answer I wanted to hear but he needs time to process it. We went to bed, things have been super awkward ever since, it’s almost like we’re strangers. I know I’m making it worse by being super awkward. I went to a friend’s all day to give him space (which in hindsight may not have been good either). Saw him briefly last night, he kissed & hugged me but didn’t invite me out with him, didn’t message me all night… he stayed up all night with friends… I asked to come by this morning, but he said “not right now”. (even though I’ve been basically living with him for a month)

I’m trying not to beat myself up – but I keep thinking, if I only I didn’t say anything. Things were perfect, moving on their own and I ruined it. I pushed too hard. Now my heart hurts. All I want to do is rewind and go back to the moment before I opened my mouth. It feels like I’ve scared him off and he’s retreating. I know I’m not thinking clearly but I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what to do next. How do I take us back to casual and light?

I’m lost.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe I need to heal more (even though it doesn’t feel like I do). Maybe I’m so used to having a “dependent” that I’ve replaced my husband with him – or maybe that’s how he feels? I can’t tell.