My Husband Came Out

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    Hello everyone,

    I am very new here, but have been a long time lurker of Tiny Buddha. Recently, my husband of 6 years came out to me as gay. I am heartbroken yet very happy for him, since now he gets to live his true self. We are very close (we are all each other has in a sense) and prior to him telling me, we signed a lease at a place so we are living together.


    At this point, we are essentially room mates, and I love that I get to still have him in my life, but it’s hard because my marriage is over, and eventually he is going to want to date again. That will be so hard to see. Obviously, I love and support him with whatever he does in life.


    I know in most situations similar to this, people would hate their spouse, but how could I hate it even be mad at him for this? I guess what I’m trying to ask is, how do I emotionally let go of our marriage and begin a new chapter as just my best friend? How do I embrace the good memories, but not feel like I need to cry? Him and I talk about it all the time, and he said it wouldn’t be fair to me if he didn’t tell me because I deserve to be loved romantically, which he couldn’t provide me.

    Thank you to anyone who offers a band aide for my new wound.


    Please cry. the only way to get this out of you is to cry until you have no more tears. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. It’s ok to hate him too. know that it’s not a permanent feeling but a reaction to being betrayed or let down or disappointed. he is taking care of himself by coming out. but I see you not taking care of yourself. at this point please take care of yourself only. you don’t have to be friends if you don’t feel like it. with time you will regain perspective and will be able to be friendly with him without shedding tears or your heart breaking.

    give yourself time and tell him honestly that you need time to heal and realign yourself.





    It sounds to me that you have a mature experience and relationship to what it means to Love.  Hating someone who can’t be the person you want him to be would most likely be the ego demanding it could control what it can’t.

    Its understandable that your disappointed even angry as you mourn the end of a relationship. In my opinion Hate is not necessary to experience disappointment and mourn the end of something that mattered to you not to mention the imagine future that will no longer be.   That said as Elizabeth noted all emotional reactions/responses are valid.  A contemplative practice would be to feel what you feel and allow them to flow.

    The TV show 911 had a story line that dealt with this situation.  I liked how the writers worked through the issue which felt authentic to me. Anger, disappointment,  distance followed by a kind of reconciliation that leads to a extended family. It shows that it could be done when those involved allow what they are feeling to flow and not block them.  In that case the couple involved had children so creating and accepting the situation made sense. The path to accepting involved,  tears, anger and a lot of tough conversations. The key I think was maintaining a safe space to have those conversations.

    I was reminded of a quote by Kierkegaard – “The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.”
    I suspect this is where many people get stuck, unable or willing to let go of what they imagined the future might have been… If Only… and that they often hide that disappointment behind a emotion like Hate. So my feeling is that you are in a good place to feel what you feel and move forward. I wish you well.

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