Maille,
I hope you continue to do well, It’s nice to hear from you.

My own methods of trying to reconcile what is going on with someone who is drinking, and trying to find myself admist all of this did seem harsh, even to me, at first.
I have struggled with a lot of thinking I am judging him, and maybe I am.

It came down to not judging him as a person, and accepting that in order to be in a healthy relationship, certain aspects of respect and consideration make it easier.
Yes, we could BE in a relationship. I don’t believe it would be a healthy one, as long as he is drinking.

This is based on the fact that his addiction rules his actions. I would be having a relationship with the addiction, not him.

The effects of that on me is in my life, now, I’m not secure enough to separate the both.

-Drinking leads to lying, covering up, doing whatever necessary to fuel his desire to drink
-He drives after drinking
-His behavior changes. When he wants to drink, and when he is drinking
-I come “second” to the addiction and how it affects him

It may be judging him as a husband… I admit that. But it’s my belief. And to not follow it, means I stray away from being true to me. Sigh.

He is currently on track with drinking everyday, hiding how much he is drinking, although he is no longer lying about drinking.
Meaning he tells me he is going with x friend, and when I ask him where they went, he tells me. The bar. In the past, I could SMELL it on him, and he would lie about drinking. Now, he lies about having 1 beer. Because I saw him drive home. But, he’s obviously much more intoxicated than that.

I care about him as a person. I don’t want to see him get hurt, kill someone, lose his job. I won’t help him when it happens , and since I don’t consider him my partner in a marriage, it’s much easier to shrug it off. His life. I hope he finds his way.

Until things settle, I await the sale of our home and finalization of moving on 🙂