hello,

this might be confusing or odd but for a reason i want someone to know… my obsession of manipulation

i grew up in a broken home my parents split up and we where left with our mother
i then already understood the blame game it was effective to create chaos to divert from the real problem and therefor u can if your a better blamer get out of almost anything.. alto the damage was often unrepairable..
at age 6 to age 11 my mother was my subject of study i was curious why they split up i wanted the truth and couldn’t accept anything less.. ( i got the truth at age 19 )
my mother is one person that knows how to manipulate people it was like her natural talent..
as i observed all those years i gained more questions then answers and the main ones where why lie, why deceive, why create chaos.. what purpose does it give..
i learned allot how she done it how she build up stories how she scripted things so well it was like she create another person to get what she wanted..
that made me obtain the knowledge of how lies where create and how well they where created..

after my mother kicked me out of the house.. reasons doesn’t matter i don’t believe it was my wrong doing tho
i grew up in living homes where many kids where placed to be helped.. or whatever people believe they never helped me achieve anything then that i learned how to survive on my own..
that made my obsession kick in overdrive i wanted to test people but not by trying to see if they lie cause honestly in my mind it never mattered who lies or not as long your intentions are for helping instead of getting.
so i setted my path to get what i want for my curiosity..i told people blend lies making them believe it..
i made people believe in something they themselves never did, said, heard or seen…
i learned to see peoples weaknesses and the scary intentions that lurk within many and myself..
as many people believe in good therefor what not is good in there eyes is evil.. yet if i told them that there good is evil within my eyes.
i mostly ended up in a convincing battle what i really enjoyed allot.. however i never see evil as good or good as evil even if i do define good and evil in others perspectives cause it can be confusing.
in these weird interactions i was really social always liked and if i screwed up or wanted to make people get angry at me i could.. i became someone who could walk amongst many and no one remembered me unless i wanted them to.
i must be honest that i used this ability to also get away with allot of things i often regret doing as it was against the law my government made to enforce there view of society.
tho it fed me… i often wonder if what i was doing is terrible and i can never say it was or wasn’t
i still wanted to work more on the craft of manipulation how far can someone go what is the WAY of mastering minds…
i seriously tried all weird things to see how people respond reading them without assuming anything cause after all im observing soon patterns started to occur more and more same kind of reactions..
manipulated minds already wondering the world and not a little ALLOT.. its started to scare me and made me wonder what does this mean.

so i setted my path on it..
i went to far with trying to get what i want to just come against something i never expected or perhaps even wanted to see and realize.. but i am one that want’s to learn by experience.
so i went digging trying to find out why there are so many people manipulated i went faar back in time reading and watching politics, cults, ruling, beliefs, war strategies.
it made me understand how and where this manipulation came to its origins it go’s back to the first leader of a conscious tribe that had a ruler
it made me craft a way of manipulating someones mind to reveal what they don’t want to..
i found a way where no one could know what is truth or not as most look for patterns to see lies and focus less on what the other says. i call it manipulating with truth and false movement.. speaking the truth but in a way i can make people believe it how i want them..(acting will always be important in it and speaking the truth feels really nice even tho u have to sell it as a lie)
this made something happen i could not stop noticing people and seeing who they are.. and i really mean i see people as they are it tears me up most of the time.(i don’t know how it just weird)
it made me stop wanting to see it made me flee it made me live within myself together with the curse i created within me.
i can still say i like playing with people minds i like making them at ease as well i like talking to people in general but am always to scared to show them who i am.. cause who am i honestly…
never been i able to define the truth of the man i am.. i cry thinking of a god or gods that could be out there that hopefully are willing to tell me why did i learn something so unimportant to see the real face of someone under those masks..
never a answer never at ease im still trying to find my place on this earth.. surrounded by people just makes me sad i cant help them TRUST ME I STILL AM TRYING! allot of people are just so lost with doubts.. and most come from the words we all speak mostly without any real point or knowledge.. i know how it feels i see them lies that are affecting us daily. tho its far out of my reach.
i accepted my curse and walk amongst those lost souls blinded defend and speechless. i accepted to fit in the world and walk the path of the sheep.. did i give up?
dont know… i still help people i listen to them talk to them and try to solve them.
would i want to give it up just cause i know that there problems will occur over and over and over…yes..
im not a fortune teller but i know patterns and how to break them i have done it many times myself yet i keep jumping into spiderwebs they keep me to break free from the daily emotions i encounter and feel.
i never claim to be smart wise a messiah a god or a daemon.. im now as weak as they intent me to believe. i learned something many never cared about cause its “evil” manipulation is something the devil does?

does it mean i have to pray to jesus crist or praise buddah parhaps any other god most people have manipulated to create fear from salvation and let them feel weak or make them naive to see reality. could i be blind of the so called signs cause im avoiding more now then trying to accept…
i tried as i mention i asked for guidance i searched for guidance and i found nothing more then myself standing in a world that is screaming for help and all i can do is create more false hope..
the gift and ability is now as i said my curse.. i feel like standing in a metaphorical hell. chained up people sobbing screaming begging suffering in doubts..
i am lost on this beautiful earth and no one can help me live on it and those who tried got scared and turned away cause of the things i revealed to them..
the Buddha says there is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.
i just don’t know how to repair doubt as it lives within me as well.. off all the believes Buddha still made the most sense to me but never did the written words make anything clear for me and also for some reason i keep feeling uneasy practicing his believes

• This topic was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by rayman.
• This topic was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by rayman.
• This topic was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by rayman.