- This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.
October 25, 2016 at 11:02 am #118888
I am an adult with my own family but I am struggling with what has happened. My parent’s were married for 37 years and recently my mother began an emotional affair with another man. Within a month, my mom wanted a separation and we found out about the other man. She ended up meeting up with this man. She has since then moved to another city, leaving myself and my siblings to help our Dad sell their house. I am so angry because she lied to me many times through this process. I’ve told her I understand that she felt hurt and unloved in her relationship but I do not agree with her having an affair. I have tried to “get over it” since she didn’t do anything to me directly but this affects our whole family. We are no longer the family we have been for 37 years because she couldn’t make good decisions and was incredibly selfish. I am sick of being angry and have asked her not to reach out to me for the moment. Every time I think about her, this, I get mad. Her family is continuing to pressure me to “get over it” and that the relationship is more important than this. I am struggling because I don’t know how to have a relationship with a person that didn’t feel like her family was important enough to make wise decisions in a timely manner. I am seeing a counselor as well but I can’t see him as fast as I need to deal with issues. I’ve been reading about boundaries and forgiveness but I am worried that I am being reactive by asking for space. I feel it is not fair for her to push me into speaking if I am not prepared to do so without saying mean and hurtful things. If anyone has any wisdom I would love to hear. Thank you for your time.October 25, 2016 at 11:11 am #118890AnonymousGuest
I agree: it isn’t fair to push you into anything, including pushing you into speaking with your mother and forgiving her. What matters now is your own well being; you sorting things out in your own mind, recovering and healing. I don’t think it is at all a priority or even a requirement that you forgive your mother.
You are hurt. You need attention, not your mother. She took care of herself, did she not? It is now about you taking care of yourself.
My belief: not speaking with her is a good idea, take your time, take as much time as you need, not speaking with her.
If and when you are ready and willing, if you’d like to further look into your parents’ marriage, what it all means to you, share more.
anitaOctober 25, 2016 at 11:33 am #118891PeterParticipant
I am worried that I am being reactive by asking for space.
To my way of thinking asking for space is neither fight, flight or freeze so not reactive.
Creating some space it probably a wise response as is seeking help in order to work through this.October 25, 2016 at 11:38 am #118892
Thank you, anita. I can see and understand the fault that both of my parents have in where their relationship has stalled. I wish I could do something but right now my Dad needs the help and support. I tried to make sure she understands that it isn’t choosing him over her it’s just that she has made it VERY clear she is independent and does not need us. I am trying to tread carefully because the few times I have tried to talk to my mom it has devolved into shouting and “you did this” matches. There is no changing the past but all I can do is take care of myself and my kids. I am very concerned about being around her or this man since she is intending to pursue a relationship with him and the divorce won’t be final for months. I think the hardest thing is that I feel like I don’t know who this person is. I know this isn’t the worst thing ever but it feels pretty awful. Thank you for your thoughts. I’ve been struggling with this for awhile.October 25, 2016 at 11:46 am #118894NinjaParticipant
Dear needmorezen –
I agree with Anita here. You must take care of yourself — and place a priority on your own family.
Situations like these do not heal themselves overnight. No way. They take time. But in due time, healing can take place. But be careful, do not be obsessed over this. That’s counteracts healing and often re-opens the wound. I never knew what “obsession” was until a counselor explained it to me:
“Obsession – an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind”
You wake up with it on your mind. It fills your every open moment during the day. You go to bed thinking about it. Not healthy – at all. And, as you indicated, every time you think about it you get mad. That’s a LOT of anger throughout your day. Even less healthy.
Give yourself the “gift” of time and space. Everyone reacts to things differently. And, usually the bigger the issue the longer the time you need. Still, you must take the higher road while doing this. Anger does not justify malice. If you have children, they will pick up on your negative energy. And those types of feelings grow like a cancerous tumor. Stop it immediately. Again, it is okay (and healthy) to be angry. You are hurt. Shocked. And upset. I don’t blame you one bit.
Consider this note as a gigantic e-hug.
Lastly, if you want to share, tell us about the other person in this: your dad. He may need you now more than ever. And, thinking outside of yourself can often help expedite your own healing – and quell obsessive thinking.
Please keep us posted, my friend.
Peace to you today.
NinjaOctober 25, 2016 at 12:05 pm #118897AnonymousGuest
You wrote: “the few times I have tried to talk to my mom it has devolved into shouting and “you did this” matches”- well, if you need more zen (your user name), shouting is counterproductive to zen!
And I don’t like her shouting at you- further increasing your distress about a situation you had no part in creating. It is not right for her to do so.
Your mother made her choice (including her choice to scream at you!) and so, make your own choices. You do not, at any time, have to see the man she is involved with; you do not have to talk with your mother- you owe her none of these things.
anitaOctober 26, 2016 at 7:39 am #118951
Thank you all for your advise. I feel peaceful today about my decision to keep her at arm’s length. Healing will come but it just isn’t here now and there is no sense in making it worse. I am going to help my family get through this as best I can. Thank you.October 26, 2016 at 8:24 am #118953AnonymousGuest
You are welcome, needmorezen. Post anytime you want.