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My sexual past ruining relationships

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 48 total)
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  • April 1, 2022 at 4:27 am #396659
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    Thank you for getting in touch with those feelings. A lot of people on this site have been hurt by others. It’s really important for people to understand how you feel about your actions.

    I understand it’s very difficult when you start communicating with people to delve into those feelings. But specifically because you have made mistakes that you regret, sharing your emotions helps people empathise with you.

    Do you have difficulty trusting or being vulnerable around others?

    Do you think therapy helped you end the relationship?

    I would add that while you were humiliated and shamed by those experiences, so was your ex. It was not 1 way.

     

    April 4, 2022 at 6:08 am #396846
    David
    Participant

    Hi helcat:

    I think I just wanted a kinda normal relationship. I didn’t want to be in an open relationship any more and I didn’t think that I could have one with her after everything that happened. I sort of had normal relationships with the women I dated even thought I was lying to everyone. I know she was humiliated too. She is angry that she did all these sexual things because she thought that we had a future. I did too for a long time. I guess that I gave up on that dream we shared but couldn’t find a way to tell her. So I didn’t until it was too late.

    I have been working on being vulnerable around others with my therapist cause I really never had been with people. I truth a lot of people but I never feel like I can be myself around them. My therapist thinks its how I was raised but I don’t know. I feel like my parents did a good job raising me.

    David

    April 4, 2022 at 11:49 am #396866
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    I think it’s good that you understand what you want in a relationship now. I hope you can build on this and have a healthy relationship in the future.

    Can you explain a little more about feeling like you can’t be yourself around others?

    Sometimes it can be difficult for people to identify if their parents did a good job or not.

    Did your parents yell or scold you? We’re there any problems with alcohol use? Was there any violence at home? Did they speak to you kindly and let you know that you are loved? Were your parents faithful to each other? Did you ever feel lonely and wish they spent more time with you?

    That being said, trauma can come from anywhere. It doesn’t have to come from parents. If you are bullied a lot at school. Or there was someone else in your life that treat you poorly?

    April 4, 2022 at 2:08 pm #396874
    David
    Participant

    Hi Helcat:

    Umm I guess I never feel like I’m accepted by people. Maybe I’m scared what they will think of me. I had low self esteem when I was younger too. I always felt alone a lot as a kid. I didnt really have a lot of friends because I was shy.

    My parents were never violent and never really scolded me. They didn’t drink either. They are still married too so I don’t think they cheated on each other.

    April 5, 2022 at 5:08 am #396963
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    Thank you for sharing with me your difficulties connecting with other people. It must have been very difficult growing up feeling alone and not having many friends. Did anything happen that made you feel so shy?

    In my experience, when I don’t feel accepted by other people. Sometimes that can be true, sometimes it can untrue and a result of my social anxiety and is a reflection on how I feel about myself.

    Have there been any times when people haven’t accepted you? What kinds of things do you think about when you worry that people aren’t going to accept you? Do you feel that you love and accept yourself?

    Sorry for all my questions, please only answer what you feel comfortable with sharing.

    April 6, 2022 at 1:19 pm #397166
    David
    Participant

    Hi helcat:

    I’m not real sure why I was so shy. I was very gangly and never felt smart enough or like I really fit in. Like in school I just wanted to hide in the back. I never played sports and didnt volunteer for anything. I felt like students would judge me or like I couldn’t really be myself around them because they would think I was weird. I never really feel like I fit in. Even now.

    April 11, 2022 at 8:22 am #397561
    David
    Participant

    She won’t stop calling and texting me. She wants more and more details. She says she deserves to know names and the whole truth. This has been going on for three months. 🙁

    April 11, 2022 at 12:05 pm #397583
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    I’m so sorry I didn’t realise that you’d sent another message! It has been pretty hectic on my end recently. Thank you for sending another message. Please feel free to @ myusername  with no space between the @, if you would like to talk. It will go straight to my email.

    How are you feeling at the moment with the calls?

    Did the other kids tease or bully you at school?

    How would you feel about telling her the whole truth? Perhaps when you do it can finally be over? If you imagine the calls and such ending, how would you like it to end?

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Helcat.
    April 11, 2022 at 12:39 pm #397585
    David
    Participant

    Hi helcat:

    It ok. I replied to your message late. I didn’t get bulled at school. Sometimes I got teased. I kinda kept to myself and tried to hide.

    I get stressed out when she calls and messages me. My stomach churns and my heart races. She already called people at my old job trying to find out who I was dating. She threatened to get me fired at my new job. I don’t know how cause I am a good employee. She wants to know every one I dated and threatens to call the ones she knows about to hurt them and hurt me. I know that I made a big mistake but it feels like she wants to keep punishing me. I’m not trying to keep the truth from her but I dont want her contacting the woman I was dating. I don’t even talk to them anymore!

    David

    April 11, 2022 at 3:06 pm #397592
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    It’s good to hear that you didn’t get bullied at school.

    It’s not right that she’s threatening you. Do you think you can set some boundaries with her?

    I’m sorry you’re having a hard time and feeling stressed out.

    April 12, 2022 at 10:51 am #397702
    David
    Participant

    Hi Helcat:

    I told her that I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. First I told her that I needed some time alone. But she won’t stop calling and texting at random times. My therapist said to block her but I am really worried that she’ll call my job or family if I do. Its like she just wants to punish me.

    April 12, 2022 at 12:40 pm #397733
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    It sounds like you’re more concerned about her harassing your job and family than you are about both of your personal needs.

    Perhaps there is a compromise somewhere in between answering her calls and texts, allowing her to freely vent and blocking her?

    Would you be comfortable with saying something short politely setting your boundaries then ending a call? Similarly texting something short politely setting your boundaries could be a strategy.

    She would likely be upset by the change but with repetition she would get used to it.

    It would be important for the message to address her concerns about these new boundaries, apologise and recognise that this current relationship is unhealthy for both of you.

    Are there any other strategies that you can think of?

    April 13, 2022 at 10:54 am #397762
    David
    Participant

    Hi helcat:

    IDK what to do. We’ve been talking for a few months now. But she keeps reminding me that I’m not going to date anyone else for the next few years without her inferring. Like she said that if I do that she’ll find her and tell her that I was in an open relationship with her and used to listen to her have sex. My counselor said that I know that I made mistakes and acknowledged them. I apologized many times to her. My therapist its fair if I block her calls or don’t respond.

    I told her like a month ago that I need time alone because Im in counseling but she won’t let me have it. Like she just wants to keep hurting me even though she’s still with this guy we were in a relationship with. Yeah I don’t want my family or job to find out cause it’s my personal life. I didn’t do anything while I was on the clock.

    David

    April 13, 2022 at 1:44 pm #397764
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    It might be reasonable to block her or not respond but you have already stated that you are refuse to do that.

    This is why it is good to discuss alternatives.

    How would you expect a future partner to react to your ex divulging these things? How does this make you feel?

    You could take the power out of this threat simply by explaining to any future partners about that partner. How does the idea of doing that make you feel?

    You could even talk to your employer and tell them that you have a disgruntled ex incase she tries to get in contact.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Helcat.
    April 19, 2022 at 2:57 am #398249
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hi David,

    I’m sorry to read she is still doing this. Yes, she is just, but I think this is unreasonable and illegal. I think everyone needs to move on.  What does your therapist think you should do?

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