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My SO has depression

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  • December 22, 2014 at 12:50 pm #69655
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My boyfriend and I are in our 20s and have a very beautiful and happy relationship. We have been dating for almost a year now. However, there is one thing that makes both of us sad.. my boyfriend has had depression and anxiety since he was in high school. I knew this even before we started dating, but when we began to like each other and go out, I didn’t take his depression too seriously and thought to myself that I could help him focus on the positive things in life and make him happy. Whenever he would share about his feelings that he was feeling depressed, I would give him words of encouragement and love.

    A few days ago, after my boyfriend and I had finished hanging out with our friends and they all had left, my boyfriend started crying uncontrollably in the car. I never saw him like this before, and I realized that his depression is more serious than I thought. I sat there crying with him, hugging him, and telling him that everything was going to be alright. After an hour, he calmed down and shared with me that his depression has gotten worse. He was suffering because he believes that he isn’t “normal” and couldn’t do normal things like our friends could. For example, he is very anxious of getting a real job and communicating with his coworkers. He also blames himself for having these kinds of irrational thoughts, but says he cannot help it. I could only sit there and listen in silence as I had no more words of encouragement to give him.

    I am very different than my boyfriend in that I have never experienced depression before. There has been many times when my boyfriend said that it’s impossible for me to fully understand how he’s feeling. He wanted to take anti-depressants, however, I tried to discourage it as my own mother suffered from depression and almost became dependent on them. My cousin is another person I know that has depression; she underwent therapy and took anti-depressants. However, she told me that they have no affect on her. She learned that she cannot change how she feels and accepted that she will always be like this. She describes her depression as “being in a pit that is only half her size but she cannot get out.” I don’t want him to rely on medication that might not work for him in the end and make him feel like there is no more hope. I want him to believe that he is stronger than he thinks and that he can get through his trials. I ask him to love himself and he replies with an, “Ok, I’ll try.” I understand how hard it must be for him to love himself.

    I also noticed that I have become more sad/pessimistic lately. I also fear for our future, having thoughts like, “How will his depression affect our relationship in the long run?” or “Is there a chance that I may become depressed too?” My own life is full of trials like family abuse and a sick mother, but I thank God that I have not suffered from any mental disorder yet. I feel ashamed that I feel this way, but I want to be realistic. I really love my boyfriend and want to spend the rest of my life with him if God wills it.

    How can I help my boyfriend?

    Thank you all for listening to my story. And thank you so much for this website. Many of the blogs here are comforting and uplifting. Please keep it up. 🙂

    December 22, 2014 at 1:52 pm #69662
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Emilovee,

    I am sorry to hear about your situation but it’s great that you are providing so much support for your boyfriend. As someone who works regularly with people suffering from depression, I can honestly say that love and acceptance are generally what motivates patients to commence the path of treatment. Depression is a mood disorder that is more severe than generals feeling of anxiety we go through when we experienced a rough patch. For most people with depression, life IS a rough patch and the reason they feel this way can be psychological (e.g. through irrational believes and low self worth), biological (e.g. hormone imbalance) or both. To get a better idea of the cause and severity of your boyfriend’s depression, you may want to encourage him to see a professional psychologist for an assessment.

    Another reason I recommend professional help in this area is that it will give him with an opportunity to discuss his feelings without having to worry how this will impact on his personal relationships. People suffering from depression generally have a lot of anxieties and there are things that he may not feel comfortable to discuss with you or his family in fear of being seen differently. Conversely, being the recipient of these emotions can negatively impact on your mood and contaminate the relationship you have with him. This is why even with training, we tend not to work with people we already know as it becomes very difficult to separate the professional and pesonal boundaries.

    In regards to medication, it is something that should be considered on an indvidual basis. If it is recommended by a psychiatrist, I would suggest asking him/her why it is neccessary, the potential side effects and whether the dosage can be reduced gradually to prevent issues of dependency. Though professional opinions should always considered, the decision should be made by the recipient.

    Hope that helps and good luck Emilovee.

    December 22, 2014 at 2:22 pm #69666
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Yue,

    Thanks for your encouraging reply. I also understand the importance of treatment, however, I fear for what may happen to him if he reveals that he does have suicide thoughts.

    Two years ago, my cousin requested anti-depressant pills from her university health center in hopes to alleviate her depression and they asked her the question, “Do you have thoughts of suicide?” She replied “Yes” and the health center took away her cell phone and sent her to a psychiatric center against her will even though she was over 18. They didn’t allow her to receive anything from home or call her family until the next day. While my cousin was in the center, she received therapy and pills. I visited her once and she told me that the therapists only listen to her and do not care about her. They even told her that if she was to do anything crazy or leave the center, they would track her down and put her into another center for crazy people. In my opinion, although the center meant well, the experience was traumatic for my cousin. She did say that it helped her take initiative after she was allowed to leave the center and look for other ways of therapy. But she never revealed to her therapists that she was suicidal because she was afraid they would take her away again since they are required to report everything. Even though she appreciated that she was able to express her thoughts and feelings to an objective person, she ended up giving up therapy because she couldn’t be truthful to the therapists.

    I don’t want this to happen to my boyfriend too, although he is out of school already. Will he be able to speak freely to a psychiatrist and not have to be retained in a center? Is there a way for him to overcome his depression through natural ways?

    December 22, 2014 at 3:38 pm #69683
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey,
    First off I’d like to express the happiness it brings me to hear that you not only accept your boyfriends current obstacles but actually try to help make it better for him. That is a beautiful thing and is truly a reflection of the relationship you have with him.

    With that said, you cannot help him fight his depression. You may be able to distract him for a short time or simply support his needs but you cannot change who he is. His depression and anxiety are a part of who he is and the only way to truly help is to love this part of him. He alone needs to be the one to face his problems and learn to love and accept that side of himself as well. If he doesn’t like that part of himself, how can you? I suffered from depression, social anxiety, and OCD my entire life and I can tell you, it is exhausting. It’s a constant inner war that never seems to end but it’s essential to know that he will only be able to control it when he begins to consciously deal with it.

    If he needs psychiatric help, support that. If he’s suicidal that MUST be addressed. Support whatever he believes will help as long as it’s healthy. He needs to find a way to face this head on. He has to be relentless in his desire to control his depression and anxiety. It’s one of the hardest things I learned how to do but now I love that part of myself. I’ve learned to use it and change it into a positive thing and I know he will to. It’s just a matter of when he’s ready to face himself.

    I’m able to transform my anxiety into positive energy by understanding what my anxiety will do if I give in to it. I know who I want to be. Anxiety is fueled by fear and fear only occurs in our thoughts of the future. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the body and needs to be handled differently. I can’t transform my depression because of that and instead use it to discipline myself. I refuse to give in to my desires to stay in bed all day, or torment myself by thinking negatively about the future or past experiences. Depression is a vast, empty void of self loathing and if you fall in, it’s hard to get out. He needs to know that it’s a choice. The easy way and the right way. Find activities to do to get him out of his head and into the present moment. Talk to him calmly and let him get out anything that’s bothering him. Research methods to help, drink tea, stretch, do yoga together. Never stop fighting it and never be okay with accepting depression or anxiety. You both deserve happiness but it takes work.

    thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is my personal blog. Take a look and message me if there’s anything I can help with.

    Good luck to you both.

    December 22, 2014 at 8:08 pm #69689
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Emilovee,

    Whether a person can get through depression on their own depends on the individual and the severity of his depression. If his situation is getting worse, it indicates that his coping mechanisms are deterorating and once he starts looking for work, his anxieties is likely to increase. The application process, job interviews and rejections are difficult to deal with at the best of times and people with depression tends to internalise a lot of this stress (e.g. that I am not good enough) rather than seeing it all as part of the process. Things can go down hill quickly when your negative thoughts are validated by external rejections.

    Before jumping into action, have a chat with your boyfriend to see what he wants to do to address this. For some people, recognising that there is an issue and that he wants to do something about it is the toughest step. It is good that you two have a supportive/loving relationship as it will require trust and patience on both sides to see this through.

    If psychological counselling is a path that he wants to consider, I have a few suggestions that may help to prevent the situation that happend to your cousin (it’s actually illegal to do what they did to your cousin in Australia). Firstly, do some research on the counselling service before your visit (e.g. small private practices usually don’t usually have burly mental health nurses on site to institutionalise someone), ring them about their procedures before visiting (e.g. how do you manage people that are self harm/suicde risk, how do you assess for these, what are your mandatory reporting requirements etc), accompany your boyfriend for the visit and ask the psychiatrist about your concerns in person before he sign anything. Note that they cannot lie to you about these things without breaching their professional conduct as it makes them liable for law suits.

    Hope it works out Emilovee.

    December 23, 2014 at 9:13 am #69720
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My boyfriend is definitely going to have a really hard time when he begins the process to applying for jobs. I’ll talk to my boyfriend about how he wants to approach fighting his depression and support him as long as it’s healthy and safe. I would like to mention that my boyfriend was never interested in professional help; I only mentioned my worries about it in my previous posts because of what happened to my cousin and the possibility that my boyfriend will try it in the future. As of now, I know my boyfriend is satisfied with me staying by his side.

    I really do not want him to rely on me for happiness though. I’ll take Adam’s advice and talk to him about trying to change his depression into something positive, like discipline for example. My boyfriend did share with me that he tried to overcome depression on his own with his mind, and explained that it was the hardest thing he ever did.

    You know what? When he started crying to me in the car, I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do but hug him. Now, I feel more confident about helping him in other natural ways like talking to him calmly, breathing slowly, drinking tea, or even researching professional help.

    Thank you, Adam and Yue, for your knowledge and kind support.

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